Had this piece about the tips and tricks in writing love letters published on Associated Content. Enjoy!
January 6, 2010
New Beer’s Resolutions
While the rest of the world tries to lose weight, stop smoking and learn Italian, I have real resolutions. While I could write a post about my actual resolutions (I have only one: to stop calling 2010 “Twenty Oh Ten” by accident), I thought it would be more appropriate to concentrate my resolutions to the world of beer. As you can see…20(oh)10 looks to be a year of great improvement.
- Find Worst Beer Ever
I’m sick of everyone just inserting Budweiser under the title of Worst Beer. It’s lazy, it’s snobby and, most importantly, it’s just not true. While I’ll never tout the virtues of a pissy pale American styled Pilsner, Budweiser’s found a way to create a consistent pissy American beer at scale. Let’s face it, there has to be much, MUCH worse out there. Think of it this way: People who talk about an amazing burger might use McDonalds as it’s antithesis, but wouldn’t you find it more refreshing for someone to take the extra step and give credit to a burger made out of rat hair and cartilidge that’s just come out of a microwave by someone who gave up on washing themselves years ago? I would.
- Invent Hop Cologne
Hop heads know what to do when they’re around hops. They crush the hell out of them, cup the pieces around their noses and breath in excessively. The smell is mesmerizing. Why wouldn’t men want to have this be their scent? Hop for Men, would be just one of my scents in a line that included: gasoline, freshly cut grass, hay and BBQ.
- Have 3 Consecutive Conversations About Beer Without Being Called an Alcoholic
People who talk about beer at length get the alcoholic card pulled on them pretty quickly and rather unfairly. It would be like me hearing someone talk about their kids too much and me accusing them of being a pedophile. Either way, there are three ways for me to accomplish this resolution:
- Stop buying tall boys or cans of things that barely fit in my hand
- Stop ending each conversation about beer with, “Whatever does the trick, right?”
- Stop talking to my girlfriend about beer
- Invent Perfect Good Morning America Drinking Game
I’ve been a big proponent of breakfast beers (this might be the conversation to avoid if I’m going for this whole, “not an alcoholic” thing in 2010). Not only am I a big fan of breakfast beers, but I’m a big fan of taking a not very interesting experience (watching Good Morning America is chairman of this category) and turning it into a drinking game. As far as google tells me, no one has thought of making the obvious connection of booze and two damn chipper in the morning news stories. Side note: I had no idea what I was going to do if I searched for “Good Morning America drinking game” and actually found something. I’m sure I would have deleted the previous paragraph and told people about how I found an example of someone who is REALLY an alcoholic.
- Stop Spreading Rumors About Sam Castiglione
In what is most certainly 80% jealousy, I’ve found myself spreading all sorts of rumors about the founder and brewmaster of Dogfish Head. I need to stop. Although, I heard he is an actor who is being paid by the Craft Beer Union to give their industry a more youthful, rugged, masculine image.
- Do 5 Things on the 3 Beer List and Do 1 Thing on the 5+ Beer List
What’s the 3 beer list? It’s the ideas you come up with after having three beers. These ideas are generally brilliant. Here’s a hypothetical sample:
- “We should get hot dogs”
- “Let’s drive cross country this summer”
- “I’m going to call that girl”
- “Someone should invent a drinking game for Good Morning America”
- “Let’s get more beer”
The 5+ beer list is a different story. These ideas are usually disasters and should be avoided at almost any cost. Here’s some things you might see on a 5+ beer list:
- “I should call her again, right? 20 voicemails in one day isn’t too many, right?”
- “We should go camping in the winter!”
- “I totally could land in your pool if I jumped off the roof”
- “My friend and I will have so much more things to talk about if I hook up with his Ex”
- “Let’s get more whiskey”
Why do I have the resolution to do one thing of my 5+ beer list? Cause life can’t always be boring.
December 29, 2009
Flight Announcement
Welcome to flight 867, non-stop to Tucson. We’ll be climbing to over 30,000 feet on what should be a smooth ride with the occasional pocket of what we here in the cockpit refer to as ‘mega-turbulence’ along the way. 
We’re not going to be traveling over any water on our flight so we’re going to skip the instructional safety video. In the event of an emergency landing, turn into titanium and pray god wasn’t watching when you made any retard jokes.
Our flight attendants will be coming around to offer complimentary headphones so you can enjoy our in-flight entertainment. Today’s movie will be some mild drivel, but hopefully should be enough of a distraction to keep you from sleeping. Please be mindful of your volume level, as our engines have been known to short out when too much electricity is being used in the cabin.
Our flight time today is 3 hours and 10 minutes, which, if you’re wondering, is just enough time to ruin your entire day. If you’re someone who uses jet lag as an excuse to go to bed early or sleep in the next day then please disregard the common fact that jet lag can be avoided by not being a total puss.
Please sit back, stretch your knees against the back of the seat in front of you and enjoy our flight. Anyone interested in becoming a pilot can give their flight attendant a nice, pert, slap in the ass and we’ll see if we can get you behind the stick.
December 9, 2009
The Perfect Resignation Letter
To my esteemed colleagues and reputable managers,
Today is my last day at as a systems analyst at Systems Industries and I wanted to pose a formal letter of resignation that details my time here. It’s been 11 years since I started working at Systems Industries. I’ve met a lot of people and shared a lot of experiences during that time.
One that personally sticks in my side is a conversation I had with George Browning back in early 2001. He was talking about his favorite type of sushi (Toro – the fatty belly of tuna) and I thought he was talking about the fictional film depicting the attacks on Pearl Harbor called Tora! Tora! Tora! I now understand why he looked at me funny when I called his favorite sushi, “Racist Drivel.” If anyone knows where George is currently working, I’d appreciate it if they please forward my apology to him.
I would also like to take this opportunity to issue an apology regarding food being taken from the fridge. While I never once was the culprit, I did often coo with joy when hearing of someone’s food being stolen. Watching a co-worker shout the general concepts of ethics, with their eyes welling with tears, always made me laugh. I don’t care who stole your fucking Lean Cuisine, Barbara.
I’ve always considered myself to be a good worker, but in all my years, I was not ever able to adequately express what a systems analyst does. I can tell you what I do as a systems analyst, but those activities more closely resemble those of a 14 year old girl gossiping on the Internet than those of a systems analyst. I doubt calling your ex-wife a “meth addict” on facebook is what other systems analysts do.
While my quality of work was never exceptional – think of a bowl of onions being called a salad – my committmenet to the company was. Not once did I drink at my desk, view pornography on my computer or take more than an hour for lunch. However, while I also never fell asleep at the office, I have identified 17 places in the office that would be ideal.
My legacy will be my consistency and I would take no greater honor than if someone took up the tradition of rooting through people’s recently vacated desks looking for spare change. By my count, over 47 people have quit or been fired by Systems Industries during my tenure and I have purchased almost 30 scratch tickets with the change acquired during that time. I once won $75 on a ticket and spend the entire amount on lunch for one week. Those of you around in the fall of 98 might remember what I fondly called, “Steak Week.”
My new career as a systems analyst consultant is going to deprive me of the daily interaction with all the wonderful people who were kind enough to keep this rather candid letter from reaching the hands of my new clients. For that, I am sad.
However, you shall all be a wonderful memory in my heart. Now, I bid you farewell.
Adieu, Adieu, Adieu…Fuck You, Fuck You, Fuck You.
Eat My Dust,
Bernard Timpkins
October 19, 2009
The History Of Reading
The library can be a frustrating place. The thousands of books range from subjects such as Israeli Politics to Elephant Birthing Habits and can be a bit overwhelming. 
In theory, each book offers potential to learn, grow and find a passion to direct your life. With most books, I’d settle for a bit of trivia to spurt out in the elevator between floors 4 and 8 just to keep the awkward silence to a minimum. (“Did you know there are 118 ridges on a dime?”)
Even though borrowing a book is free, the cost can be substantial. The last thing you want to do is read 150 pages of a book to realize that you have, surprisingly, zero interest in learning about Genghis Khan’s Dermatological History. The investment of time can keep those without a system circling the racks, trying desperately to judge a book by its cover.
The good news is I finally have a system. After 40 minutes of not having a clue what to read, I grab the first book I find that I can hold in one hand (necessary for Subway reading) and has a title that makes me look like a bad ass. This has been successful with books such as The Plague, but been less successful with books such as the Lovely Bones.
I didn’t always used to be a reader. In fact, I’m quite new to it. Despite my father’s pleading and eventual threats, I always found something better to do than spend time with a book. Here is my History of Reading.
– Age 10 –
The only thing I read up to this point was the typed screens in Super Mario Bros 3 at the end of each level. Without reading those, I would have never known the princess needed my help.
– Age 12 –
Determined to get a free lunch, I read the entire list on the Dorothy Canfield Fischer (DCF) list. 
If you read ten books from the list, you would be entered in a drawing to get lunch with the author of one of the books. If you read all twenty, your spot was guaranteed. I pushed myself to get through every word of each book because my school lunch experiences to date involved blocks of shredded wheat and a bag of oats my mother had packed me. When it was announced that the school’s talent show would be the same day, I elected skip the lunch in order to reprise my famous one man play called FUTSO – the basic premise of which was that I fell down and said, “Dum de dum doo!” for 15 minutes.
– Age 14 –
Thinking I had discovered a loop hole in my teacher’s grading system, where he awarded points based on the number of pages read instead of number of books read, I tried to casually slip in a couple generously thick books such as The Tommy Knockers. When asked to prove that I had read the book instead of simply watching the movie, I simply described the plot of the book based on the picture on the cover since I had neither read the book nor seen the movie.
– Age 19 –
In a quest to find an identity, I decide to become an expert on something, anything. After hours of thought, I decide on Coyotes. Despite an honest effort, my expertise in Coyotes was limited to knowing that they are part of the dog family and that I didn’t give two shits about them.
– Age 22 –
Therapy costs about $120 an hour (otherwise known as $120 more per hour than I had to spend). However, library books are free and there are billions of titles in the Self-Help aisle to assure me there isn’t a problem in the world that can’t be solved through reading a book. After reading ½ a dozen books all with the following formula “You have (blank) as a problem. Stop doing (blank)!!”, I decide to write a book called, “You Can’t Help Yourself.”
– Age 23 –
While you can’t judge a book by its cover, you sure as hell can judge a person by what book they’re reading. Therefore I push myself to read books that are in excess of 1,000 pages and written in Latin.
– Age 25 –
Reading is a form of entertainment. School is over. 
Why all the pressure to learn? I refuse to read anything that is less than 7/8th dialogue and has a main character who is only referenced by his last name. “Hey, Davis…where’d you get that nice watch!?”
– Age 28 –
I considered getting a Kindle, but realized owning a Kindle shows you’re REALLY serious about reading. Perhaps a little too serious. In many ways, it’s equivalent to wearing a helmet on the subway.
And now the history continues. My new system may last me a lifetime, but seeing how my reading has changed throughout the years, it may not last for the rest of this year. Hmmm…I wonder if they have any books at the library on reading habits that have cool looking covers…
October 5, 2009
Problem Solving Lion
Dear Mother and Father,
How are you guys? Have either of you thought about Christmas yet? I have. I think about it every day. I look forward to seeing both of your shiny (glowing?) faces. Speaking of Christmas, I’ve thought of something you guys could get me a little early this year. 
As you know, I’ve been struggling a little bit – I was caught crying under my desk at the office yesterday – and I’ve been looking for something to get me out of this funk. Well, I think I’ve come up with the perfect solution. I would like you to buy me a lion. I was watching this video and got all teary thinking about having a companion a savage and powerful lion be powerless to the might of our love for each other.
Now, before you guys say this is just another one of my stupid ideas (I still think a water gun that shoots ice cubes is a fantastic idea and I’m sorry if my initial start up estimates were more conservative than what was really needed. I’m not pointing any fingers, but you were the guys who thought getting Milton Glaser to make the logo was “overkill”), let me explain why this idea would be different.
This idea isn’t going to cost you a thing. Well, virtually “not a thing.” Actually, it’s going to cost about $14k. Keep in mind, that’s a fraction of what I could spend. I’ve researched high and low and found a man in Flatbush who is selling his lion cub for about 1/3 of what I would have to spend if I sought the same cub from different sources. 
All I need is the money in cash, to ask zero questions and to bring something called, “the stealth of god.” At least that’s how it translates into English. I might be translating it wrong so I’m bringing a backpack filled with dice (it’s the only other thing I think “dios” could mean).
Of course I’ll need some supplies as well so we should just round the initial investment to an even $30k – did you know you have to have lion cages custom built out of really strong metal?
While there won’t be any monetary return on your investment, there will be a substantial return in love. And secrecy. I don’t think I need to remind you about the time Dad yelled at me in the 6th grade for picking my nose too hard. I wouldn’t want “certain departments of child protection” to find out about that. I also wouldn’t want anyone, especially the local hospital, to find out that the brownies mom and I made for their bake sale had Crisco in them instead of vegetable oil, would you? I think our secrets are best left hidden deep, deep in ourselves.
If nothing more, I ask you to do this because I’ve asked for very little in my life. Besides college, those three graduate degrees and that (what was I thinking) PhD, I’ve never asked you for a dime that wasn’t used for rent, business start up costs or the occasional rare Star Wars memorabilia. What I need now is to have the love and devotion of an animal that could maul me at any moment – it’s the only love I can know is sincere.
Please don’t tell my younger sister that you’re going to provide me with any funds or that I’m getting a lion. She’s very spoiled and would want a lion for herself (can you imagine Katie with a lion? That thing would get one view of her phone bill and rip her to shreds, right?)
In closing, I’d like to impart a quote I tell myself every morning: “To know yourself in the essence of madness is the only true nature of watching things grow in a way that can be sufficiently satisfying to the individual that we all strive to be forever without understanding the true thoughts we hold true to each moment of our lives in the realm.” It rambles a bit, but I’m pretty sure the meaning can be distilled clearly to: Get me a fucking lion.
Thank you. I will name my lion after you both – FarMom.
You’re loving son, you’re good-little boy, you’re “little captain”,
Carl
September 25, 2009
Movie Pitch
Hello, Gentleman. Have you guys tried this Pumpkin thing they are selling at Starbucks? It is freakin unbelievable. I know what you guys are thinking, “freakin? This guy must be the only guy in Hollywood who doesn’t swear!” Well, I’m a believer in that you write like you talk. I write movies that all of American can love and that’s why I’m here today. I’ve got a pitch for you guys that is gonna make it worth getting off your mistresses, putting on those expensive pants – where do you guys shop for pants around here? Never mind, we’ll talk after – you put on your pants and come to the office for ideas like this.
Picture this: The year is 1975. Superman craze has hit the entire country. Everywhere you look, Superman this, Superman that. Even the local Middletown Pee Wee football team gets into it when one of the teams names themselves the “Middletown Supermen.” They’re so into it, that all their players wear capes when they play.
If you’re waiting for the big meat, the hook that you can sink into that shark alongside your boat and reel in…this is it – the capes turn out to be a not so good idea. The problem with football and capes is they don’t mix. Players on the other team would just wait for a player to run by, grab them by the cape and just YANK! Unfortunate for the little kids of Middletown, capes go around your neck and a sharp enough yank is liable to make a kid’s head go pop – right off.
So in the course of this game, every player on the Middletown team gets decapitated. It’s the biggest tragedy in Pee Wee history. 11 players, dead and headless on the field.
Now, while the audience is trying to catch their breath, we flash forward to present day. All of a sudden, people in Middletown start showing up with no heads on and no one has got a clue as to who’s doing it. Is it the town drunk? Is it the Mayor trying to get even with people who didn’t vote for him? No. It’s none other than the ghosts of the kids from the Middletown Supermen. Creepy, right? Imagine all the people screaming in their seats, hugging their popcorn and sucking on their freakin straws as these ghostly, headless shoulder pads come running out of the mist on a pair of children’s legs. Not creepy enough for ya? How bout a little song the Supermen sing, “da da da daa daa da da da…Pop goes the weasel…” I get sweaty just thinking about it.
I know what you’re thinking – “Where is the romance?” Well, I’ve got your romance, protagonist and context in one character called Dennis…Floorlamp. Ok, I was looking at that floor lamp when I said that. His name shouldn’t be floor lamp. It should be something gruffy. Maybe his name IS gruffy. Dennis Gruffy. Either way, he’s gotta be played by Craig T. Nelson if he’s still alive. Well Dennis used to be a coach, but he’s all washed up now. Couldn’t coach his way out of a wet paper bag. That’s probably going to be one of his lines actually. So he falls for this woman named Denise. Denise comes to Dennis because she needs his help. Those demons are terrorizing her and she needs him to reach down deep, believe in himself and coach them straight to hell. See her connection is that her kid was on the original Pee Wee team as the backup quarterback.
Not sure what happens for the next 40-45 minutes, but the end is a dramatic scene at the original field. They find out that the field was built on an Indian burial ground. Then either Dennis finds the courage to coach this team of damned, headless – that wasn’t a swear, I was saying they were damned, not that they were damn headless, ok? – he coaches them straight to hell or he digs up the Indian bones and assembles them in some sort of ultimate defensive formation that keeps the headless supermen trapped for eternity. I don’t know, you’ll have to focus group that. Either way, he and Denise then make love on the 50 yard line and it turns out that her son isn’t dead…and is Tom Brady.
Credits roll, people cheer and we start on the sequel to the movie – which I think should be called, “Keep Your Head in the Game” but can be anything. This movie could be called, “Hey, you, ugly?! Get in here and watch a movie, you pathetic slug!” and it would clear $200 million.
I know how you guys work, so I’ll let you guys get to it. I’ll leave my cell phone number with the receptionist and look forward to talking dollars with you guys soon. We’re gonna be so rich, you’ll be able to buy Panama. Ciao for now, mis amigos!
September 23, 2009
Microsoft’s BIG Comeback
Just weeks after Steve Job’s return to the Apple keynote address in San Francisco, Microsoft saw an opening. The surprisingly lackluster response to the introduction of the iPod Nano with video recording capabilities was more of a reaction to the Apple obsessed crowd’s desire to see the same technology put on the increasingly popular and significantly more powerful iPod touch.
Meanwhile, Microsoft has been waiting for an Apple slip up. While the stylish designs and usability of Apple’s products has given it market share that borders on dominance, Microsoft sees an opportunity to bring the same conceptual designs of pieces like the iPod and bring them to another sector of the retail market.
At this morning’s press conference, Microsoft will be introducing the first ever 64 deck playing card shuffler. This is a severe upgrade over the latest incarnation (a 32 deck playing card shuffler – which many thought was the apex of card shuffling technology).
Only three years ago the thought of shuffling more than 3-4 decks in a single shuffling machine seemed impossible. “When I was growing up,” says Microsoft Chief Execution Executive, Paul Randal, “we had to cut the deck in half, flop them all together and make a huge mess of things. And that was ONLY one deck! Now, shuffling 64 decks is as easy as a flip of a button, a turn of a crank and the simple loading of 64 decks into this multi-slotted loading panel.”
Could this be the new Macro Shaft?
Many in the industry are impressed, including electronics editor of Dimples magazine, Harry Barnstorm. “Microsoft has often been accused of being a follower, but this clearly shows that they can play the role of innovator. Hewlett Packard has been working on a 40 deck shuffler for the past several years, but product development deemed the technology impossible.”
While Microsoft likes hearing their praise sung throughout the industry, what the consumer thinks is what matters most. In a teaser campaign on its website, Microsoft had a video showing 2 second clips of the falls at Niagara with an end message saying, “There’s got to be an easier way.”
Rumors surrounding the product’s design have been flooding the Internet. The most popular design among tech heads is a vertical design that has detachable straps and a waist centered brace for easy portability. Microsoft is being tight lipped about which design is real. Says Randal, “I can promise you this – it’s going to be much smaller than you think as long as you think it’s going to be roughly 10 – 12 feet tall.”
Tentatively named the Microsoft Macro Shaft (named after it’s tall multi-slotted loading panels) the revolutionary shuffler comes in 4 different colors or “skins” and is expecting to be priced only slightly higher than the previous version at $799. “Technology has come such a long way,” says Barnstorm. “It’s a true testament to Microsoft’s genius that we are pushing the outer limits of card shuffling.”
As to what’s next in the card shuffling industry? Only brave chat room participants can guess. Says one poster, “The ultimate card shuffling technology may not be here today, but we are seeing glimpses of it with the introduction of the Macro Shaft. One day the thought of being able to quickly shuffle 100 decks of cards in a single device that not only looks great, but can fit easily in most passenger cars’ back seat will become fully realized.”
The entire tech industry will be watching the live webcast of Microsoft’s announcement this morning and as most analysts predict, the Microsoft Macro Shaft with 4 skins promises to be on almost every tech head’s Christmas list.
September 19, 2009
Criminal Status
My brother means no offense. How do I know that? He tells me right before he says something incredibly offensive. We’ll be sitting at a bar, having a beer, discussing something like what it means to be successful and he’ll say, “No offense…but you’re too ugly and stupid to be successful.”
None taken.
So it’s with that concept in mind I say: No offense, but the tragic murder of the Yale student this past week has made me laugh. The murder itself isn’t funny, but the way it’s being reported is. Journalism used to involve tiny note pads, knocking on the neighbor’s doors and asking people’s friends and co-workers questions to figure out what a potential suspect was really like. Now that makes as much sense as a JC Penny catalog because of sites like Facebook and Myspace.
Unfortunately, for every teen busted for being tagged in a picture holding a beer can, there are as many desperate stretches to paint a picture of someone through the information on their page. I especially liked a moment in a NYTIMES.com piece about the person who would later be arrested for murdering the 24 year old Yale grad student. It delved deeply into possible motives by painting an illustrious portrait of Raymond Clark and his girlfriend Jennifer Hromadka. When talking about Jennifer they pulled in this golden nugget:
Jennifer wrote on her MySpace page that she’s not perfect, but cautioned people not to judge her.
“Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I’m not perfect and I don’t live to be, but before you start pointing fingers make sure your hands are clean!!” the 23-year-old wrote.
That’s some incredible journalism. I wonder if the journalist managed to actually go to myspace or simply looked over her co-worker’s shoulder while she surfed through Jennifer’s page. While the fall of journalistic integrity could be a valuable rant, I was more focused on the fact that Jennifer’s myspace status was under such judgmental scrutiny.
What would happen if, for some reason, I was placed in a very public investigation and MY facebook page was scoured for psychological insight? Here are actual Status Updates and what a criminal psychologist could potentially write about me. I encourage you all to do this for yourself and see how “normal” you seem.
–
Would a poached egg over a brownie be a bad way to start the morning…or a perfect way to set the tone for a stay at home Sunday?
The suspect has a very unusual and unhealthy diet. He thinks he is a god who is above dietary concerns such as high cholesterol. He barely ever leaves the house and leads a secluded life – fantasizing about his next victim.
Off to the land down under – Mexico
The suspect has the geographical knowledge of a 4th grader. Oddly, his college transcript says he majored in Geography which means the college degree was acquired fraudulently. Probably lures his victims through an intricate series of lies.
The over under for how many hot dogs I could eat in one sitting is currently 6. What do you guys think?
He is always seeking approval and looks at normal activities as cumulative goals in the same way a serial killer internally competes to rack up a high kill count.
Governors Island…the blindest island in New York
He is a hateful person who murderously dislikes handicapped people, viewing them as inferior people who are a drain on society. He has a problem disconnecting people and objects – thus explaining his ability to kill humans in such a potentially gruesome manner.
32 Across: A place you’ll find bellybutton lint
He plays games with people – which is a common trait among cinematically depicted serial killers. A confession from him would surely be a cryptic message sent through the media.
You go to an acupuncturist to get acupuncture. You go to a chiropractor to get chiropracty?
The suspect is distrustful of doctors and people in authority. He disregards all science as heresy and believes healing can only come through rituals and sacrificial ceremonies.
Wants to remind you to call your mothers. They miss you/me.
He believes all people are connected to one mother being, which may or may not be extraterrestrial. He thinks his main purpose is to protect this, “mother” against those who wish her harm at all costs.
Wrote an article on puke
The undoubtedly guilty suspect has a fascination with excretions such as vomit and blood. He believes we are all sick and must be cured through his ritualistic killing. Has a general infantile predilection towards the world.
September 4, 2009
Next Year’s Basil
Another year and another failed attempt to grow basil in my apartment. My lack of patience, outdoor space and general knowledge has left me staring at a pot of dirt wondering why I couldn’t keep my basil alive for the 3rd year in a row. Next spring, I’ll have forgotten all the lessons I was intent on remembering. 
Therefore I’m compiling some tips to remind myself so I don’t make the same mistakes again for next year’s basil.
- Each tiny seed in the packet is a seed meant to grow into a plant:
Because the seeds are so small, I usually convince myself I’d be better off dumping about 1/2 of the package into a single hole or “mass grave”. No matter how much the package urges me not to, I can’t help it when laziness is one of the options.
- Plants need three things – Sunlight, Water and Food:
They don’t need Vivaldi, a stern talking to or beer.
- Making a contraption that acts as a makeshift window box is not advisable:
Since I don’t have a backyard, front yard or fire-escape, window boxes are my only option to get my plants direct sunlight. For some reason, I’ve convinced myself that since sunlight is free, I should figure out free ways of getting my plants to it.
- Don’t get angry when the window box made out of tape and old books breaks:
Trust me, the people who are more upset about my crap box breaking are the people who almost had it fall on them.
- Don’t name your basil:
Ultimately, it makes people feel uncomfortable. Especially if it’s a human name and you refer to it when recalling what you did over the weekend – “Lilly and I watched a movie.”
- Don’t over water:
When my plants are looking sad, chances are it’s because they lack sunlight. Unfortunately, since I can’t coax more sunlight to come into my apartment, I convince myself that a little more water ought to do the trick. This is equivalent to giving a kid who has cut their hand off some candy to get them to stop crying.
- Plants aren’t as sensitive as I think they are:
I’m sick and tired of feeling like my basil is dying because it saw me naked.
- Read to your basil:
I’ve heard talking to plants is beneficial to them, but it can be depressing for me. When I open up about my secrets and deep concerns in life, they don’t really talk back. Note to self: research books that make plants happy. Do all research on a non-company issued computer so I won’t have to explain why I’m researching plant porn. Again.
- Appreciate other people’s basil:
Going to the farmers markets and acting snarky to the people who have beautiful basil plants for sale won’t make my crippled and unfortunate plant grow any better. Just because they have nicer basil plants doesn’t mean I can refer to them as, “the Gestapo of the gardening community.”
- Stop referring to yourself as a gardener:
I might as well be telling people I’m a fisherman because I buy canned tuna.
- When the plant dies, throw it out:
Watching a dead plant rot, while waiting for a miracle is both lazy and makes people uncomfortable. It’s like wearing Crocs with socks.
- Don’t call anyone to mourn:
You are officially allowed to mourn the loss of your summer project for 3.5 seconds. Don’t go put on black and stay away from the phone. This is not a time to share your sensitivity or else people won’t pick up the phone when you call between the months of June and September.
- Don’t take it personally:
I’ve never gone over to friend’s house, seen their less than successful gardening attempts and gone, “I knew it…they are completely worthless people.” However, that’s what I assume everyone thinks when they see my basil. I’ve developed a habit of not returning things just so I could blame my lack of pet sitting gigs on something other than my basil growing abilities.
- Make better list for next, next year’s basil.
