A picture says 1,000 words, but these phrases will teach you everything you need to learn to communicatie in Italian:

Why didn’t anyone tell me Podcasts were free? For years I’ve been scoffing at the idea of paying money to listen to radio shows a day after they’ve aired on the commute to work. Now that I know those day old radio shows are free…whole new ball game. After erasing most of my music I loaded up my iPod with astronomy lectures, sports radio talk shows, news talk shows, money management strategies, United States history lessons and, my personal favorite, Italian lessons.

I’ve wanted to learn Italian for the past few years, but my incredible commitment to laziness and the lack of potential usage have kept ‘Learn Italian’ on a hypothetical list of things to do that contains – learn to play piano, stop saying “um”, eat better and floss daily.

One of the problems with learning a language is that there’s two ways to learn: either by learning the structure and vocabulary of the language or by memorizing as many useful phrases as possible. Unfortunately, you never know what phrases you’ll need and most Italian lessons try to cover the entire pie. My Italian lesson this morning taught me a couple of useful phrases (My name is, how much does this cost, etc.) but it also loaded a bunch of useless phrases on me too. Here are some of the phrases they thought would be necessary on a trip to Italy:

How old are you?
(quanti anni hai)

- When is age important? Shouldn’t this phrase just be “are you 18?”

Can you repair my dentures?
(Puo riparare la mia dentiera)

- The fact that you’re holding your teeth in your hand might be sufficient.

Why is it so much?
(Come mai e cosi tanot?)

- A logical thing to ask, but chances are that you’re Italian isn’t good enough to understand Cost/Benefit analysis in Italian.

I want to change these traveller’s cheques
(Vorrei combiare questi traveller’s cheques)

- a.k.a “Can you please mug me?”

Do you like reggae?
(Ti piace il reggae)

- Of course you’d be interested in asking this question to an Italian.

Can you show me how the phone works?
(Mi fa vedere come funziona questo telefono)

- …cause I’m a complete moron.

Not one of these phrases is useful on a trip to Italy or, more importantly, for impressing the person you’re with on that trip to Italy. Sure, getting around and communicating with the locales is great, but the real reason to learn some of the language is to reduce the number of times your wife/girlfriend sees you wide eyed and horribly confused when a waiter says something in Italian.

Here are the phrases I think are the most necessary for a trip to Italy:

- Please, thank you, excuse me
(per favore, grazie, scusa me)

Being polite is always necessary.

- We’ll have another bottle of wine
(avremo un’altra bottiglia di vino)

If Queens can be better with another bottle of wine, imagine what Italy will be.

- Everything was great
(tutto era grande)

Even if the meal is bad, it’s easier than saying “I could have gotten this meal at Applebee’s”

- Could you do me a favor and just say ‘yes’?
(la potrebbe me fa un favore e dire sì)

When you don’t know how to say something, you can still impress your wife/girlfriend by sputtering something that sounds like gibberish to her, but gets a response from someone else.

- My wife/girlfriend has gotten us lost. Could you direct us too…
(mia moglie/amica ci ha preso ha persi. la potrebbe ci dirige a)

The only way I’m asking for directions is if it’s clear that it’s her fault we’re lost (even if it’s mine).

- Please hit on me so my wife/girlfriend will be jealous
(per favore il successo su me cosí mia moglie/amica sarà gelosa)

If the wine and ambiance isn’t getting to her, a little healthy competition will.

If the waiter is a man, than use…

I don’t care you’re a man. Attention is attention.
(Non mi preoccupo lei è uomo. L’attenzione è l’attenzione)

- I don’t understand. Your Italian must be wrong.
(Non capisco. Il suo italiano deve avere torto)

If you say it with enough confidence, they might believe you.

- Can you get this gypsy girl off my leg?
(Poterla prende questa ragazza di zingaro via dalla mia gamba)

Trust me…you’ll be saying this more than you’ll say “How long will the rail strike continue?”

- No, we’re not American, we’re Canadian.
(No, non siamo Americani. Siamo Canadesi)

The good news: Lack of confrontation
The other good news: People will talk to you much slower and expect less of you

- Your toilet was broken when I got here
(Il suo gabinetto è stato rotto quando ho preso qui)

Don’t bother learning how to say “where is the bathroom?” (go into restaurant…walk towards back). Learn this phrase and stick to it.

- If this makes me sick, may I punch you in the face?
(Se questo me fa i malati, la posso perforare nella faccia?)

If you’re going to make the trip to Italy, be adventurous and try everything. However, that doesn’t mean you should let the locals pull a fast one on you by selling you cheese made from ground goat testicals.

- You have a very beautiful house. Now put your hands on the counter and tell me where the diamonds are!
(Lei ha una molto bella casa. Adesso indossare le sue mani l’opposto e dirme dove i diamanti sono)

Hey, you never know.