Cell Phones are loaded with features. Why can’t any of them be the ones I want? 

Every once in a while I will hear someone say “what did we do before the internet?!” To them, I reply, “we probably fretted about what to buy less”. At any given moment there are at least three electronic do-hickeys that I’m researching. Recently, I devoted all of my internet researching strength to finding the perfect cell phone. Due to extenuating circumstance/water my old cell phone wasn’t working too well/at all. Finding a new cell phone should be an exciting process, right? The problem is that all the new phones are focusing on features I don’t need. People are pushing blue tooth, video recording, and parental controls like the one where they can see where you are at all times (what I like is that you know every kid in the US has figured out how to beat this feature. What, you really think kids are stupid enough to agree to this and say “sorry, Kenny. I can’t go to the party cause my parents will know I left Joey’s house.”?)I want features the cell phone companies don’t seem to be pushing much. Here are the features I think should be included in the perfect cell phone.

1) Unbreakable
I’m not talking “solid”. I’m talking “come on, give me your worst, wimp!” solid. If I can drop a cinderblock on this thing than I’d be confident it can make it a year or two in my possession.

2) Small, thin, sharp
It wouldn’t be a bad thing if it was actually so thin that I could use it to cut things. I tried to open a package with nail clippers the other day and could have really used a sharp phone.

3) Perfect reception
If I ever hear someone say “can you hear me now” again, I’m going to lose it. I was pretty sure this was going to follow the “Yo quiero taco bell” route towards obscurity, but Verizon made sure it would stay around forever by creating a network out of cans and aluminum foil.

4) A voice modifier which makes my voice sound sexy and wise
Every person hates the sound of their voice and I don’t know why phone companies haven’t done something about this. There are a billion beauty products out there, self help books and clothing options, but not once has someone realized that getting chills when I hear your voice might be the problem.

5) A censor button which bleeps out all of my bad words.
I’m not worried about offending someone. I actually think it’s funnier to hear a well placed “beep” than to actually hear a swear. See Arrested Development and South Park for further examples.

6) Dial Measure
I don’t need caller ID as much as I need something that tells me how the person entered my number. If they entered it fast and aggressively it means they’re angry and I’m not answering. If they dialed and paused a few seconds before pushing “Send” then obviously they’re a little nervous and I’ll take the upper hand, thank you. I’ll wait for it to ring three times before picking it up and will have adequate time to think of “what I’m doing” to sound cool/busy/interesting instead of bored/creepy/watching another WWII documentary.

7) Automatic Broke
Having a broken phone has been a great excuse for not returning calls, not answering calls and making ill advised calls throughout the years. I’ve used “can’t place outgoing calls”, “won’t accept calls with certain area codes”, “Doesn’t ring”, and “automatically calls girls at 2:00 a.m.” It would be nice to be able to set my phone up so I could prove it was “broken” just like I said.

8) Set and Store
I have my phone on me at all times and every once in a while I will send myself a text message to remind me of something. However, it’s a dorky way to remember things and often times you want to remember something without making it obvious you made a conscious effort to remember “How did you know that violet Irises are my favorite” is a much better reaction than “that’s why you were text messaging when I was talking about flowers, huh?”. I want something where I can program my phone to have a “trigger phrase” like “That’s so interesting” and every time I say that phrase it records the next thing I say. I’d just say “that’s so interesting, I like Salinger too” or “that’s so interesting, you think men look gay in v-neck shirts”. I want to remember, but I don’t want them to remember that I remember.

Is there a perfect phone out there that will tie all the lose ends of my life together? Probably not, but I might as well focus on something that I can buy at Best Buy instead of trying to think of something more complicated like “am I breathing correctly”. Besides, 2007 is the year I solve complex problems with simple purchases. For instance…instead of working out, I’m just buying tighter shirts.