Wearing a tie says a lot of things. Make sure it doesn’t say “please beat me up because I have no idea what I’m doing”.

In my high school, the Varsity Boys basketball team had to wear ties the day of a game. This was to let everyone in the school know they had a game, to show solidarity and to ensure each kid looked presentable when going to play another school.

Since I was 11 years old, I couldn’t wait to wear a tie to school. On more than one occasion, I wore a tie to grade school on days I suspected the varsity team might have a game.

As sophomore year rolled around I became a member of the hallowed Varsity Basketball team. I was honored, but my wardrobe was completely unprepared. My closet consisted of roughly 3 collard shirts, all of which were oversized hand-me-downs, and zero ties. I figured I’d just borrow my dad’s ties for a while, but he hadn’t updated his wardrobe since the late 70’s and it didn’t take a fashionista to know that a brown, burlap, square tie with purple bubbles on it wasn’t cool in 1997.

For Christmas that year, I asked for ties, ties and more ties. Fortunately, my parents fulfilled my request. Unfortunately, since I hadn’t been specific as to “what type of ties” I wanted, they took it upon themselves to choose.

The first tie I received had bright orange basketballs all over it. Granted, it made sense, but wearing a tie that matches the activity you’re wearing the tie for is as lame as wearing the t-shirt of the band you’re watching in concert.

The second tie was a Christmas tie, which unless I were to put it on immediately, I would officially not have an appropriate time to wear until next year. The third tie had the loveable, memorable, but never quite funny SNL characters The Coneheads on it. Neither my parents nor I ever enjoyed The Coneheads, but I was assured it was the “funniest tie they could find”.

Now, as I’m older and in a position where I see men with ties all the time, I’ve learned a few rules about ties.

The knot
There are roughly 45 knots you can make with your tie. 44 of these are useless and, for the most part, obnoxious. Stick with a half-windsor (even though it may or may not be one of the obnoxious ones).

Stains
If you spill something on your tie, don’t act surprised. Just grab some paper towels or napkins and start dapping whatever landed on your tie deeper into the material. Then remove the tie and place it in the garbage. Don’t claim you’re going to get it cleaned (you won’t and even if you did, the stain would remain) and don’t express out loud how much the tie cost. Not only do people not care about how much you paid for your stupid tie, but admitting it was over $15 makes you look like a sucker.

Don’t even think about flipping it over your shoulder while you eat. That’s like using a razor scooter to get to work – sure, it works, but you can’t actually be proud of yourself when you look in the mirror.

Pattern
Don’t get too fancy with the pattern. It’s a tie. It’s boring by nature. There are a few people who can wear something complex and have it work. You’re only allowed to wear a fancy patterned tie if you own white jeans, are incredibly thin and wash your hair with bar soap once a week.

If you have the urge to get a pattern that is “funny” or “reflects your personality”, don’t. Those urges should only be catered to when buying sunglasses and hats.

Style
Don’t think a thin tie will make you look thinner if you’re over 200 lbs.

Don’t think a bow tie will make you look quirky/charming if you’re over 200 lbs.

When to wear a tie
Ties are great for special occasions. Weddings, funerals, fancy dinners, celebratory parties, etc. They say “hey, you know what, this is a big deal” without having cummerbunds or horse drawn carriages involved.

Ties at work are acceptable, but should be worn sparingly. Wear a tie every day and the one time you don’t you’re bound to get 3-5 “slumming it today?” comments from people who think changing their underwear is dressing up. The other reason to wear a tie sparingly is that if you spread out the times you wear ties enough, your boss will assume you’re going on a job interview every time he sees you with a tie. There’s nothing better than having a boss who thinks you’ve got other suitors.

Ties are not acceptable on t-shirts. I don’t care how ironic you think it is. The only irony involved is that you have a privileged enough lifestyle to think making fashion statements is acceptable.

There should be ties for…
Not many people sleep in formal pajamas anymore. Whatever people decide to wear to sleep, there should be morning ties for that moment when you want to look presentable, but don’t want to get dressed. Picture this – you’re at a friend’s house over the holidays and you wake up and make your way down for breakfast. You could either a) get showered, pick out your clothes for the day and get dressed, b) walk down looking like a slob, showing no respect, c) compromise by wearing a morning tie…

Actually, now that I think about it, the best option is probably d) start screaming “what kind of host doesn’t serve his guest in bed!!”