We all have fantasies. I’ve always had a fantasy of walking down the street, telling a friend about a TV show I’ve come up with, and being stopped by an impeccably dressed TV executive. He calls me a genius, hands me a briefcase full of cash, and disappears into the crowd. It’s because of this unrealistic fantasy that I refuse to tell anyone an idea I have unless I’m around a lot of well dressed strangers.
I don’t need artistic control or notoriety. I’d rather not be the guy people try to find in the phone book when their show doesn’t live up to expectations. Just give me my cash, say “that’s the best idea I’ve ever heard” and away with you.
Since the Sopranos ended, I see the need for the next great show. That’s why I spent the entire weekend walking the City pretending to talk on my cell phone about my show ideas. No one stopped me, but here are my ideas.
Break Up TV
There’s a show on MTV called “Sweet 16″. The show follows one spoiled brat each episode while she plans a party to celebrate “becoming a woman” and her affluent parent’s inability to say no.
The premise of my show is similar. Except instead of planning a party, the person is going to break up with his or her boyfriend/girlfriend. The first few minutes of the episode will be dedicated to the back story and show why breaking up is so hard. The next few minutes will be used to explain why, no matter how difficult, breaking up is the only way. Then the rest of the episode is relegated to demonstrative heartbreak.
Is there anything more awkward than hearing someone say “We need to talk”? Wouldn’t that be fun to watch? The best part is you’d have these young people on TV trying to sound as if they know anything about relationships and would use the phrase “respect myself” as if they owned stock in it.
Even though this would be a reality TV show, I can pretty much script out the pilot episode. Mindy (14) has been dating Jared (17) for the past two years. They’re in love and have promised to be together forever, but one day Mindy hears Jared went over to her friend Bonnie’s place to “study” together. This is the final straw and she confronts Jared.
Mindy: “Why would you disrespect me like that? Bonnie’s my friend.”
Jared: “I’m just a squirrel trying to get a nut”.
Mindy: “I respect myself and can’t be with someone who would run around behind my back”
Jared: “Can I touch your boobs?”
This Is The Life
Some people enjoy shows that dispel the reality of certain careers. For instance, Seinfeld never seemed to work and Grey’s Anatomy makes hospitals look like a great place to make friends.
I personally don’t like watching people in high paying jobs having a better time than me (makes me look like a sucker). My show would take high paying jobs or “action packed positions” and show them for what they really are – jobs.
The show would start with a 33 year old lawyer waking up in the morning, hours before the sun comes up. When he gets to his office he sits behind stacks of papers on his desk and goes through contracts. He deals with his bitchy boss, his phone rings constantly and the sweat stains under his arms grow throughout the day. When it’s time to go home to his greedy wife and spoiled, snotty kids, it’s dark again.
I’d watch that show every day. They could show episodes with magazine publishers, comedians, filmmakers, modeling agencies, bartenders, cops, hot dog venders at baseball games, etc. Anything that someone THINKS is a good job would make a great show.
My Big Mistake
Keeping with the single episode reality programming, this idea revolves around people’s biggest mistakes of their lives. The first episode could be about Hank and how he opted to pass on ebay stock when it was just a small site no one had heard of. The entire episode would show what his life would be life if he had bought that stock. The network would set this guy up in a house and give him a ton of money for one day. He’d be so happy riding his little golf cart around the estate, drinking champagne and taking a dip into his giant crystal clear pool… and then they would take it away from him. He’d then continue his life knowing how things would have been different if he hand’t made that one mistake.
They could have computer simulations, financial projections and reenacted situations to show a person how their life would have turned out if they hadn’t made that mistake. It would be brutal, cruel and incredibly entertaining. Note – The season finale would feature Howard Dean.
Survivor – States
Survivor has needed a kick in the ass for the past 6-8 years. No one cares about starving dorks standing on a pole for three hours anymore.
Survivor needs some real stakes. Well, I’ve got em.
50 contestants, representing each state…winner gets Puerto Rico.
No one really knows where Puerto Rico fits into the United States, but my guess is most states wouldn’t mind adding Puerto Rico’s tourist revenue to their economy.
Look how excited people get over a show about washed up stars learning to dance. What do those people win? The embarrassment of being a dance champion? Everyone would watch Survivor – States to root for their state if Puerto Rico was on the line. Even when the state you’re rooting for was eliminated, you’d probably still tune in to make sure states like New Jersey or Delaware don’t win.
Each of these TV shows is up for sale. I’ll sell them to the highest bidder or to the person with the nicest hair.
