Monthly Archives: July 2007

…Did I Miss Something?

Posted on by patrickhmorris
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I was searching through the NYTimes.com technology articles and came across one about the first video game tournament to be aired on a broadcast network. It seemed like a pretty straight forward article, but then I noticed something in this excerpt:

“CBS, the august home of the Masters and March Madness, will become the first broadcast network in the United States to cover a video game tournament as a sporting event. The network’s broadcast will consist of edited moments from the World Series of Video Games tournament, held in Louisville, Ky., last month.Advertisers for Sunday’s broadcast include KFC, Intel and the Marines.”

…Did I miss something or does it feel weird to have the Marines advertising at a video game tournament?

KFC, I get. The people who love video games may not leave the house for much, but they’ll waddle out to the car faster than you can say “bucket of chicken” if KFC is their goal.

But the Marines? I mean, that’s a lot of effort, huh? I didn’t see the ads, but I’ll bet anything they make the Marines look like a glorified video game you get paid for. That could possibly be one of our problems in Iraq, no? Recruiting people who have chosen to live their lives in a fantasy world instead of participating in the real one might lead to some sticky combat situations.

Also, is there any way the Marines can keep their slogan as “The Few. The Proud. The Marines” when half of these people watching the video game tournament are huddled in a basement wondering if their mom has any pizza bagels in the fridge?

Permanent Mistake

Posted on by patrickhmorris
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A tattoo is forever…which means the longer I can avoid getting one, the less time I’ll regret having one…

My goal is to never make a mistake I’ll regret for the rest of my life. At no point do I want to look down at my legs, laying limp in a wheelchair, thinking “Man, I knew I should have looked both ways.” This is why I have never gotten a tattoo. Not only do I not want to explain to my kids why daddy has “I love boobs” written across his forearm, but I’m wishy washy. How am I supposed to make a decision that I’ll be pleased with for the rest of my life?

Some people think a tattoo isn’t the life altering decision I make it out to be. They simply look at it as decoration, expression or possibly a way to remember their girlfriend’s name. To those people I say “you have no idea how many bad decisions I would have made along the way”.

The Tattoo I wanted when I was…

14 years old – A Storm Trooper

Not only did I love Star Wars, but it would have been a daily reminder to keep a childlike attitude through life. I imagined myself being 40 years old at a board room, rolling up my sleeves because it was time to “get down to business” and someone pointing out my Storm Trooper. I would say “Yeah, sometimes you’ve got to remember how much fun you could have with nothing more than a stick and an imagination. Now let’s get down to business.”

16 years old – A German Digital Hardcore Band’s name

The band’s name was Atari Teenage Riot. They were loud, they were fast, they screamed about fighting the power and I was a rebel for liking them. There was no way this band wasn’t going to be my answer to “so what kind of music do you like”. Six months later I was listening to Elliot Smith and shopping for a harmonica.

19 years old – P

I had just finished my first year of college. It was difficult, but I persevered through a roommate who refused to shower, the uncertainty of my future, the detachment from my high school friends and a new best friend who couldn’t leave his room after dinner because he always had diarrhea. That summer I told myself that life was about perspective and as long as I was able to remember that, I could endure anything.

A few days before I was going to get a P to signify perspective, I drew a test run on my arm with permanent marker. That night I was at a bar and decided to show it to this girl I was flirting with. The next thing I knew, I was feverishly trying to wash it off in the bar’s bathroom after being told I had just discovered “a tattoo that was gayer than a dick in a man’s ass”.

21 years old – A ying yang made out of a butt.

“Happy birthday, dude! Here, drink this”.
“Thanks man. This is great. This is the best night ever. No matter how old I get, I’m always going to remember that you’ve got to play hard to party hard!”
“That’s super Zen, dude”.
“I know. I’m going to get one of them ying yang things tattooed on my butt to remember that”
“You should get a butt that looks like a ying yang tattooed on your butt!!”
“MY GOD! You’re a genius, remind me to do that in the morning. What is this? Sambuca mixed with Jager and Gin? Cool!”

23 years old – Shattered Trust

With a college degree hung on my wall, my first job at an environmental non-profit involved tasks such as fixing zippers on luggage, waiting for someone’s phone to ring while they went to the bathroom and tracking down Jazz collector series stamps. My thanks was a salary that was less than what the average person donates to PBS.

The good news was that not only was I taken advantage of at work, but in my personal life too. I was one of the few people within my social circle who had a full time job so my generosity was expected and many a nights I found myself buying friends beer knowing full well I wouldn’t eat the next day or two.

Bitter? Me? Nooooo. I just wanted a tattoo of the word “TRUST” shattered into a million pieces on my back because it looked cool.

24 years old – A Buddha holding a flaming dollar sign while sitting on a cloud made of hearts.

Ummmm…

25 years old – Something a serial killer would get

Every movie about a serial killer has a scene where they’re doing shirtless chin-ups while the camera focuses on their huge demonic looking back tattoo. That’s what I wanted. My fantasy involved a group of people messing with my girlfriend and me taking off my shirt to reveal my tattoo. Everyone would back away going “man, we don’t want any trouble” while I spoke in tongue. Unfortunately, that “bad ass” image doesn’t work when you’re still contemplating that Storm Trooper.

Sometimes the best decisions you make are the ones you don’t make at all.

Top 7 Youtube Clips – July

Posted on by patrickhmorris
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What have you been watching without me telling you what to watch?

1) I saw this at a film festival a year ago. My initial reaction was “that’s great…what the fuck was that?” Then a few days ago some friends of mine sent this to me. Not sure how they found it, but I’m glad they did. Favorite line is “had a pocket full of horses, fucked the shit out of bears. Threw a knife into heaven and could kill with a stare”.

George Washington

2) The first kid starts off dancing and you think “kinda cool.” Then this spastic kid, who apparently isn’t impressed, comes out and pushes him into a corner. What’s the first kid’s retaliation? He pretends to unzip his pants and unleash his giant penis. So you think this is the coolest part of the dance, right? Not so fast. This is when it gets good. The kid in the orange sweater basically turns into teen wolf by going from incredibly dorky to incredibly cool instantly.

Robot Dance

3) Somehow the person who put this video together confused “sports bloopers” with “terrible sports tragedies”. I’m convinced every person in the first two minutes of this clip died from the “blooper”. But hey, if you mix it with an awful song and a shirtless guy hacky sacking at the end, I’ll be able to look past the fact that I just saw a guy get trampled by a horse.

Sports “Bloopers”

4) I saw the Transformer movie last week. It was exactly what I thought it would be – cool robots, lame people. This clip proves there doesn’t need to be that seperation. Now the question is, are these cool kids doing cool robots or lame kids with lame robots? (Ps. I wish they actually were kids instead of 35 year old men who name their turtles after Lord of The Rings characters)

Real Transformers

5) If you search for Charlie Chaplin, you’ll find some pretty good stuff. For instance…I found this optical illusion from the 70s.

Chaplin Optical Illusion

6) “It didn’t matter if we punched them 2 to 300 times, all they experienced was bruising”.

Multiple Stab Wounds May Be Harmful

7) There’s a lot of Mr. Show on youtube. I couldn’t decide between the “Mt. Everest” sketch, the “Numbers” sketch or the “Pre-Recorded Show” sketch. They’re all good. I suggest taking a sick day and catching up on your Mr. Show.

Globchem:

Job Interview Tips – Confidently Beg Your Way to Your Dream Job

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If you’ve ever been on an interview and find yourself explaining how elevators work when asked “do you have experience in sales?” you should read this…

I was supposed to be a cartoonist. When I was 11, I took a proficiency test to see what career I would be most suited for when I grew up. After a couple of hours of answering questions like “do you like the smell of concrete?” my teacher sat me down and told me I was destined to be a cartoonist. Funny thing was I couldn’t draw. The most artistic thing I had done up to that point was when I spent the night at my friend’s house and drew a map to the bathroom on my hand so I could find it in the middle of the night.

15 years later and a cartoonist I am not. Instead I work for a large publishing company using phrases like “hump day” and asking soul searching questions like “am I the type of guy who can pull off french cuff shirts?” No matter how much I complain about my current job, I’m grateful to have it. Primarily because the process of getting a job is sandwiched between getting attacked by dogs and licking a homeless person on my list of least enjoyable things.

What makes finding a job so terrible is the dreaded interview. Here are a few guidelines to help you the next time you confidently beg for a job:

Clothes:
It’s always a good idea to look sharp. Even if the job you’re interviewing for is to convince hippies they’re doing too much with their lives, it’s better to error on the side of being taken too seriously. However, don’t try to be someone you’re not.

If you answer the question “where did you get that suit?” with “Salvation Army” you might as well answer with “I’m going to steal from you.”

Response:
When someone is speaking to you, it’s a good idea to let them know you’re listening. This can be done with eye contact, a simple head nod or by saying “uh-huh”. Of course, that’s how everyone responds and you’re trying to differentiate yourself. Instead of saying “uh-huh” say “duuuhhh”. It’s impossible for a boss to forget an interview that goes like this:

Boss: “We’ve got offices in San Francisco, Chicago and San Diego”
Interviewer: “Duuuuuh”
Boss: “…we…we are the second largest producer-”
Interviewer: “Duuuuuuhhhhh”
Boss: “of,,,towels”

When you’re not saying “duh” to them, make sure you’re providing solid eye contact. Not just any eye contact, though. Your eye contact should subliminally say “Look, man, if it was just you and me in a boat with only enough food for one us…you ain’t gonna make it.” Subliminal intimidation. It’s as important as a resume.

Resume:
Some people think it’s important to put their resume on nice paper. Some people think they should put their names at the top in font size 62. The truth is that a boss will only look at roughly 8% of all resumes they receive. Who knows how you got the interview, but if there’s something on your resume you think might get you the job, better hand it to your potential boss with style.

This is where magic can be used in a real world application. No boss in the world cares that you didn’t graduate high school if you present them with a resume that shoots out of your sleeves. Need something more impressive? Break into the office the night before and tape a copy of your resume under the desk. Then when he asks for a copy you can say “you already have it” and start making those magicy fingers people do.

Questions:
One typical question interviewers love to ask, so it doesn’t look like they’re making their decision solely on how you look, is “what is your biggest strength?” Be prepared for this so you can knock it out of the park. Here are two approaches:

1) Be humble – “at my last job they wanted to give me an award for being the best employee ever. They kept begging and pleading with me to come to an award ceremony in my honor, but I just said ‘give me the cash.’”
2) Be honest – “I hate my wife so I’ll want to work late.”

Of course, with every question of strength comes a question of biggest weakness. It’s one of the lamest questions of all time because everyone tries to turn their “weakness” into a strength. If you’re going to go that route, do it right and say “I throw up blood every time I miss a deadline.”

Ending:
Never leave with a weak handshake or with an ambiguous moment. Simply stand up. Thank them for their time and hand them a note that says “Do you like me? Yes or no. Circle one.”

Follow up:
A creative follow up is like a line before you kiss someone – it doesn’t matter what it is, they’ve made up their mind about you already. Do people think they’re going to get a job because they sent someone 5 lbs of green M&Ms and a note say “I’m going to bring your company the green!”??

If you must do something creative, try having twenty pizzas delivered to their office every day at lunch until they make you an offer. They’ll remember you, no question.

…Did I Miss Something?

Posted on by patrickhmorris
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The other day I was looking through the pictures of the world premiere of Harry Potter and the Phoenix Suns Beat the Harlem Globetrotters (or whatever it’s called). Now, the first question should be “what were you doing looking through those pictures?” That’s not important. What is important is one of the pictures I found was of Jeff Foxworthy and Billy Ray Cyrus.

jeffey.jpg …did I miss something?

Not only are neither of these people associated with the movie, but they haven’t been famous for close to a decade. Do you think both of them are thinking “I can’t believe I’m getting a picture with THIS has-been”??

I officially can feel insulted every time a movie premiere occurs and I’m not invited.
 

The Beach is a Bitch

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The beach is surf. The beach is sand. The beach is a pain in my ass…

It’s summer time and the living is supposed to be easy, right? I swear I heard that somewhere. If you hadn’t noticed, summer is rarely easy. It’s become an accelerated frenzy to have fun, get out of town, get a tan, drink margaritas, go to the park, have barbecues and go to the beach.

I personally am done with the beach. Not only because getting there is on my “biggest pains in the ass” list, but once you’re there, it’s too dull to make the hassle worth it. Feel free to blame society’s collective ADD, but nowadays, laying around isn’t a big enough draw to make someone sit in traffic, pay $20 for parking and deal with thousands of people who are trying to relax as if they were rabid dogs trying to take a nap.

However much I hate going to the beach, it’s still as big a part of summer as gaining weight is a part of winter. Here are some ways to make going to the beach worth all the hassle.

Sand Castles:
Building sand castles is fun. Destroying sand castles is better. The destruction feels good on three accounts:

1) There’s a hormone in our bodies that is released when we watch a child’s face go from elated to crushed that fills us with a sense of euphoria. It’s similar to heroine, but there are no side effects.

2) Destroying a child’s sand castle falls into the same “why would anyone do something so horrible?” category as vandalizing a cemetery and cancer jokes.

3) No consequences. The child’s father is going to be pissed at you, but that sand castle didn’t cost him anything. Think he’s going to chase after you on HIS vacation?

Waves:
There’s really no way to perfectly enjoy waves. Surfing is cool, but incredibly hard. Boogie boarding is lame, but pretty fun. Body surfing seems like the perfect solution because you don’t need to carry anything with you into the water, but it’s actually the worst option. Why? Because it’s depressing and doesn’t work. Sure, there’s less commitment, but there’s really no payoff. I know roughly forty people who think they can catch a wave just by laying flat and pretending they themselves are a surf board, but I’ve yet to see anyone do more than stick their arms out and let the wave pummel them face first into the sand.

The thing to remember is that having a surf board is like having a gun – it doesn’t matter if you know how to use it or not. All that matters is that you have one.

Volleyball:
The key to playing beach volleyball is to remember you can’t spike the ball or dive for the ball in slow motion. This means that every cool image you have in your head surrounding beach volleyball is impossible. You shouldn’t play if you think you’re going to look cool.

Leave Electronics Out Of It:
Before my father scores a victory, I am very much pro-electronics. They just weren’t meant for the beach. Cell phone and iPods even have a built in feature that attracts sand and water to them. It’s the same feature that keeps making me drop my cell phone in the toilet when I’m drunk.

Attitude:
Sometimes I think the best reason not to go to the beach are the guys who can’t wait to take off their shirts and show the body they’ve been pumping up and waxing all winter long. Then I remember who I hate more – the guys who refuse to take off their shirts. I know they’re self-conscious about flashing some man-boobs, but since their shirt isn’t really hiding their boobs, I start to wonder if perhaps what they’re really self-conscious about is having giant nipples. There’s little about the day that can be salvaged after you’ve got a picture of a fat guy with basketball sized nipples stuck in your head.

However, I’m not anti fat people at the beach. Bikini’s, for instance, should be worn by every girl no matter their size. One pieces either make you look like you’re on the swim team or that you’re an overly packed sausage.

Splashing:
This rule is non-negotiable – If I am getting into the water Do…Not…Splash. For some reason, getting splashed and hearing someone lay on their car horn makes me go into a homicidal rage. You think you’re being cute, but I think you’re asking me to drown you.

Thoughts of murder aren’t the best tool for enjoying the beach. Save those thoughts for the subway.

Solo at the Watering Hole

Posted on by patrickhmorris
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Bars are THE social hotspots when you’re between the ages of 20 and 35. Sure, there are other social places, but they are all missing something – booze. It’s the “I promise to have an excuse if you do” elixir we’ve all learned to accept.

However, they don’t have to be social. This past week I was fascinated by the idea of going to a bar solo. My theory was that there were specific dos and don’ts associated with going to such an inherently social place without an ulterior motive or friend to focus on.

The other night I went to a bar all by myself. What I found out is there aren’t too many dos, but there are a lot of don’ts.

What to Order:
Feeling pretty good about myself, I marched right up to the bar looked at the beers on tap and squealed in delight when I saw they had pitchers. The first rule is, don’t squeal. It’s the perfect way to be asked to leave even before you’ve started drinking. Also, don’t be surprised when you order a pitcher and say “no, I only need one cup” and the bartender looks at you as if you’ve just said “I think I broke your toilet”.

Instead of ordering beer in bulk, order five shots of tequila or whiskey. A pitcher of beer says “I have a problem, but I don’t want to talk about it” while shots say “I have a problem, I’ll kill you if you talk about it”.

The Bartender Isn’t Your Friend:
Friday nights are busy nights for almost every bar. The bartender is interested in serving as many people as possible. The last thing a bartender wants is some guy who realized he can drink straight out of the pitcher asking him if he’s ever tried Wolaver’s organic beer.

Keep the chatter and smiling to a minimum. There’s something creepy about a guy sitting at a bar by himself who obviously isn’t down on his luck. It’s like watching a prisoner smiling – he’s either insane or he’s going to stab you with something.

There’s a Reason You’re Alone:
Everyone else at the bar came in a group or at least in pairs. None of them said “do you think we’ll meet any nice people at the bar who really want to talk about sharks?”

If you make eye contact with a girl, they think you’re hitting on them. If you make eye contact with a guy, they think you’re hitting on them too. There is no way to express “I want to be just friends” through eye contact.

Going up to people and talking to them is a method for failure too. I tried several opening lines, but each one just created varying levels of awkward silence. Here’s how they stacked up:

1. “Watch out! Here comes a creepy guy” – B+ awkward silence
2. “Anyone know how to say ‘stop sleeping with my wife’ in Spanish?” – B awkward silence
3. “What smells?” – A- awkward silence
4. “Guess which leg is fake” – B+ awkward silence.
5. “In high school I was elected most likely to become your friend at this bar. Isn’t destiny strange?” – A+ awkward silence.
6. “I’m not gay. I’m not a pervert and I’m not lonely. One of what I just said is a lie.” – A+ awkward silence

When It’s Time To Wrap Things Up:
When you’re with people, they stop drinking as much, there’s less talking, people start looking at their watches more. Deciding when it’s time to leave is tough when you’re alone because for the past few hours, you haven’t been talking and have had nothing to do but look at your watch every thirty seconds.

Part of me wanted to be the last man standing as if the reason I didn’t have anyone with me was because I was too hardcore to have friends. The other part of me wanted to get out of there before I started taking bets on whether I could fit an entire pint glass in my mouth.

A good sign it’s time to wrap it up is when you consider dancing. When you’re sitting at the bar alone, people think you’re just a lonely drunk. When you get up and start dancing, people know you’re a sketchy guy who is waiting for the drunkest girl at the bar to start ordering shots. You might as well introduce yourself as “Roofy” at that point.

If the urge to dance creeps up on you, pay for your drinks and walk out the door. Feel free to steal my move – pretend to be on your cell phone and shout “You’re at the Pour House?! I thought you said we were meeting at the Rusty Fish!! I’ll be right over”.

It may not be a lot of dignity you’re salvaging, but it’s enough to get you home.

People say drinking by yourself means you have a problem. I disagree. I think drinking by yourself around other people is what you should watch out for because it sure is depressing and makes you really feel like a drink.