Bars are THE social hotspots when you’re between the ages of 20 and 35. Sure, there are other social places, but they are all missing something – booze. It’s the “I promise to have an excuse if you do” elixir we’ve all learned to accept.

However, they don’t have to be social. This past week I was fascinated by the idea of going to a bar solo. My theory was that there were specific dos and don’ts associated with going to such an inherently social place without an ulterior motive or friend to focus on.

The other night I went to a bar all by myself. What I found out is there aren’t too many dos, but there are a lot of don’ts.

What to Order:
Feeling pretty good about myself, I marched right up to the bar looked at the beers on tap and squealed in delight when I saw they had pitchers. The first rule is, don’t squeal. It’s the perfect way to be asked to leave even before you’ve started drinking. Also, don’t be surprised when you order a pitcher and say “no, I only need one cup” and the bartender looks at you as if you’ve just said “I think I broke your toilet”.

Instead of ordering beer in bulk, order five shots of tequila or whiskey. A pitcher of beer says “I have a problem, but I don’t want to talk about it” while shots say “I have a problem, I’ll kill you if you talk about it”.

The Bartender Isn’t Your Friend:
Friday nights are busy nights for almost every bar. The bartender is interested in serving as many people as possible. The last thing a bartender wants is some guy who realized he can drink straight out of the pitcher asking him if he’s ever tried Wolaver’s organic beer.

Keep the chatter and smiling to a minimum. There’s something creepy about a guy sitting at a bar by himself who obviously isn’t down on his luck. It’s like watching a prisoner smiling – he’s either insane or he’s going to stab you with something.

There’s a Reason You’re Alone:
Everyone else at the bar came in a group or at least in pairs. None of them said “do you think we’ll meet any nice people at the bar who really want to talk about sharks?”

If you make eye contact with a girl, they think you’re hitting on them. If you make eye contact with a guy, they think you’re hitting on them too. There is no way to express “I want to be just friends” through eye contact.

Going up to people and talking to them is a method for failure too. I tried several opening lines, but each one just created varying levels of awkward silence. Here’s how they stacked up:

1. “Watch out! Here comes a creepy guy” – B+ awkward silence
2. “Anyone know how to say ‘stop sleeping with my wife’ in Spanish?” – B awkward silence
3. “What smells?” – A- awkward silence
4. “Guess which leg is fake” – B+ awkward silence.
5. “In high school I was elected most likely to become your friend at this bar. Isn’t destiny strange?” – A+ awkward silence.
6. “I’m not gay. I’m not a pervert and I’m not lonely. One of what I just said is a lie.” – A+ awkward silence

When It’s Time To Wrap Things Up:
When you’re with people, they stop drinking as much, there’s less talking, people start looking at their watches more. Deciding when it’s time to leave is tough when you’re alone because for the past few hours, you haven’t been talking and have had nothing to do but look at your watch every thirty seconds.

Part of me wanted to be the last man standing as if the reason I didn’t have anyone with me was because I was too hardcore to have friends. The other part of me wanted to get out of there before I started taking bets on whether I could fit an entire pint glass in my mouth.

A good sign it’s time to wrap it up is when you consider dancing. When you’re sitting at the bar alone, people think you’re just a lonely drunk. When you get up and start dancing, people know you’re a sketchy guy who is waiting for the drunkest girl at the bar to start ordering shots. You might as well introduce yourself as “Roofy” at that point.

If the urge to dance creeps up on you, pay for your drinks and walk out the door. Feel free to steal my move – pretend to be on your cell phone and shout “You’re at the Pour House?! I thought you said we were meeting at the Rusty Fish!! I’ll be right over”.

It may not be a lot of dignity you’re salvaging, but it’s enough to get you home.

People say drinking by yourself means you have a problem. I disagree. I think drinking by yourself around other people is what you should watch out for because it sure is depressing and makes you really feel like a drink.