The beach is surf. The beach is sand. The beach is a pain in my ass…

It’s summer time and the living is supposed to be easy, right? I swear I heard that somewhere. If you hadn’t noticed, summer is rarely easy. It’s become an accelerated frenzy to have fun, get out of town, get a tan, drink margaritas, go to the park, have barbecues and go to the beach.

I personally am done with the beach. Not only because getting there is on my “biggest pains in the ass” list, but once you’re there, it’s too dull to make the hassle worth it. Feel free to blame society’s collective ADD, but nowadays, laying around isn’t a big enough draw to make someone sit in traffic, pay $20 for parking and deal with thousands of people who are trying to relax as if they were rabid dogs trying to take a nap.

However much I hate going to the beach, it’s still as big a part of summer as gaining weight is a part of winter. Here are some ways to make going to the beach worth all the hassle.

Sand Castles:
Building sand castles is fun. Destroying sand castles is better. The destruction feels good on three accounts:

1) There’s a hormone in our bodies that is released when we watch a child’s face go from elated to crushed that fills us with a sense of euphoria. It’s similar to heroine, but there are no side effects.

2) Destroying a child’s sand castle falls into the same “why would anyone do something so horrible?” category as vandalizing a cemetery and cancer jokes.

3) No consequences. The child’s father is going to be pissed at you, but that sand castle didn’t cost him anything. Think he’s going to chase after you on HIS vacation?

Waves:
There’s really no way to perfectly enjoy waves. Surfing is cool, but incredibly hard. Boogie boarding is lame, but pretty fun. Body surfing seems like the perfect solution because you don’t need to carry anything with you into the water, but it’s actually the worst option. Why? Because it’s depressing and doesn’t work. Sure, there’s less commitment, but there’s really no payoff. I know roughly forty people who think they can catch a wave just by laying flat and pretending they themselves are a surf board, but I’ve yet to see anyone do more than stick their arms out and let the wave pummel them face first into the sand.

The thing to remember is that having a surf board is like having a gun – it doesn’t matter if you know how to use it or not. All that matters is that you have one.

Volleyball:
The key to playing beach volleyball is to remember you can’t spike the ball or dive for the ball in slow motion. This means that every cool image you have in your head surrounding beach volleyball is impossible. You shouldn’t play if you think you’re going to look cool.

Leave Electronics Out Of It:
Before my father scores a victory, I am very much pro-electronics. They just weren’t meant for the beach. Cell phone and iPods even have a built in feature that attracts sand and water to them. It’s the same feature that keeps making me drop my cell phone in the toilet when I’m drunk.

Attitude:
Sometimes I think the best reason not to go to the beach are the guys who can’t wait to take off their shirts and show the body they’ve been pumping up and waxing all winter long. Then I remember who I hate more – the guys who refuse to take off their shirts. I know they’re self-conscious about flashing some man-boobs, but since their shirt isn’t really hiding their boobs, I start to wonder if perhaps what they’re really self-conscious about is having giant nipples. There’s little about the day that can be salvaged after you’ve got a picture of a fat guy with basketball sized nipples stuck in your head.

However, I’m not anti fat people at the beach. Bikini’s, for instance, should be worn by every girl no matter their size. One pieces either make you look like you’re on the swim team or that you’re an overly packed sausage.

Splashing:
This rule is non-negotiable – If I am getting into the water Do…Not…Splash. For some reason, getting splashed and hearing someone lay on their car horn makes me go into a homicidal rage. You think you’re being cute, but I think you’re asking me to drown you.

Thoughts of murder aren’t the best tool for enjoying the beach. Save those thoughts for the subway.