Monthly Archives: September 2007

7,000 Sit-Ups: A Party or Prison?

Posted on by patrickhmorris
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The benefits of hosting a party – you don’t have to travel. The drawbacks of hosting a party – everything else…

Being a good host is hard work. In college, being a host was easy. My only responsibility was to have some beer and keep the toilet running. Now, a bathtub full of beer and a sheet of plywood over the kitchen table doesn’t cut it. Parties need to have a variety of booze for those “too sophisticated” to drink beer, food that requires crackers and activities to make the unbearable awkwardness of MEETING PEOPLE worthwhile.

It’s only going to get harder as I get older too. By the time my friends are married and have kids, the only occasions that will be able to guilt them out of their house are funerals and children’s birthday parties.

I’m nostalgic for the times when being a host just meant providing a place for people to enjoy themselves and be energized by being social. Of course, I also am afraid of being labeled “the worst host ever” because that distinction goes to my friend Brent Chezney.

When I was eleven years old, I played baseball, played with Star Wars figures with my brother and complained about not eating Burger King every day. That’s it, nothing more. So imagine my excitement when Brent Chezney, the third baseman on my little league team, invited me and a couple other teammates to his house for a sleep-over.

I didn’t know what people wore for group sleep-overs, but my brother assured me it should be formal. We went through his clothes and picked out a silky multi-colored shirt to go with the red clip-on tie he promised would look great.

When I arrived at my friend’s house, I was surprised to see that everyone else had elected to wear normal t-shirts and jeans. They laughed at my overly dressy appearance for a good ten minutes. Little did I know, being mocked would prove to be the most enjoyable ten minutes of the evening.

“What do you guys want to do?” asked one of the kids.
“Do you have any video games?” asked another.
“Nope,” said Brent.
“How about movies?”
“Nope.”
“G.I. Joe toys?”
“Nope.”

We went through all of the toys and activities we were accustomed to, but Brent didn’t seem to have any of them. Finally, one kid asked, “what DO you have?”

The host paused, looked around the house and said “we get PBS on the TV, it’s kinda fuzzy though and we have that work out bench.”

A few of the faces on the kids sank. Each one of us internally cursed as we thought of how easy it would have been to bring a sack of our toys if we’d known our only options here would have been Masterpiece Theatre and weight training.

I too only had PBS at home so I was the first to suggest exploring the possibilities of the work out bench. Brent lay down on the bench and inserted his feet into the braces at the end. “Sometimes, all I’ll do in a day is sit ups. I can probably do 2,000 sit ups.”

And thus, a challenge was born. Each one of us thought we could do more sit-ups than the other so we took turns strapping our legs into the braces, crossing our arms across our chests and doing sit-ups until we were about to puke. Several hours later, we had done a combined 7,000 sit-ups.

About this time someone mentioned they were hungry and hadn’t eaten any dinner. Our host informed us that there were no dinner plans, but there was a loaf of bread and some mustard we could eat. He dipped into the kitchen only to return with bread – the mustard had been used up.

An evening of sit-ups by the thousands and no food made us all very tired. Our host informed us not to sleep on the couch because his father sometimes comes home and needs to sleep on it. With that as the only instruction, he said goodnight and headed into his room – shutting the door behind him. The rest of us gently lay down on the floor, using our shoes as pillows, and prayed to god we’d fall asleep before his dad came in.

The next morning we woke up shivering and sore. Brent, who seemed quite refreshed and chipper, offered us waffles for breakfast. As our bones snapped and cracked back into place we assembled in the kitchen just in time to watch our host hold a block of ice under the faucet. “They get like this sometimes,” he said as the ice gradually melted to reveal three Ego waffles frozen together. When they finally were thawed enough to be broken apart he gave one to each of us. We looked around the kitchen for a toaster, a microwave, hell, even a radiator would have been a welcome sight, but there was none. The host didn’t hesitate and crunched into his ½ thawed waffle sans syrup, sans butter, sans self-respect.

An hour or so later, my father and brother arrived to pick me up. As I was driving away I heard Brent suggest burying a cat that had died overnight.

My brother had come with my father because he wanted to make fun of how I was dressed and to be there front and center when I complained about how humiliated I was. “How’d your outfit go over,” he asked.

“Great,” I said, “ties make great pillows.”

As we drove towards home, I rested my head on the back of the seat and imagined playing with my Star Wars toys in the backyard, syrup on hot freshly made waffles and pillows. I had just experienced what I imagined prison to be and promised myself to always be a better host than Brent Chezney.

The Drunkest

Posted on by patrickhmorris
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Sometimes it’s better to be forgotten…

Most parties I attend, my goal is to make a positive impression, have some fun and leave without having to say the words “I’m sorry,” “I’ll pay for it,” or “A little club soda should get the smell out of your rug.”

However, not everyone strives to attend parties this way. Some people insist on being the first person to propose shots before the sun has set and think the loud farty bass sound blaring from the speakers means they should be cranked up more. In other words, they have replaced charm and grace with the levity of a nuclear bomb.

There are times when it’s great to let go and get wrapped up in the fun loving atmosphere around you, but, before you do, it’s a good idea to make sure you’re not the only one trying to have a crazy time. Here are some rules on being the drunkest person at a party:

Ok to be drunk:
The following events are ok to be the drunkest at:
- Wedding
- Best friend’s b-day
- Your own b-day
- New Years

Not ok to be drunk:
The following events are not ok to be the drunkest at:
- Your wedding
- Christmas Morning
- Baby shower
- Arraignment
- Bring your daughter to work day

Glassware:
I don’t care if it’s your favorite wine glass, a special mug that lights up or something that has straws and the word “Dome” involved – Take whatever cup the host is offering.

Hosts:
Treat the hosts with respect. They were nice enough to have you in their home, don’t be a jerk. However, don’t pretend to be overly nice either. This means, no nicknames. If you meet the host and immediately start calling them “scooter” be prepared for them to hate you.

Introducing shots:
Sometimes a party needs a good kick in the pants. Shots can be a good icebreaker because they basically function as a way to say “You like fun. I like fun. Let’s be friends and like fun together.” However, 80% of the time, even if you succeed in breaking the ice, you’ve done so at your own expense and people will spend the rest of the party thinking you’re a drunk.

If you have to introduce shots, do it in a whisper. It’s the only way for people to forget who exactly introduced the idea. Also, introduce something that has a name to it and involves more than one ingredient. This way, it feels like an occasion. The goal is to get as far away from memories of taking shots of vodka in the high school bathroom.

Hugs to Hi-Fives/hr:
No one rolls their eyes at the person sitting in the corner housing an entire bottle of scotch by themselves. They do roll their eyes, however, at the person who insists on hugging and hi-fiving everyone constantly. Unless you’re telling a story about robbing a bank, the rule is to keep the hugs/hi-fives to under three in an hour.

Questions about you:
I personally like to hear people ask questions about me like “is he always this nice” or “that guy was a pretty smart dude. Where’d he go to school?” Here are questions you don’t want to have asked about you:
- Are they gone yet?
- They’re not driving, are they?
- Who brought them?
- Did you hear about what they did to the bathroom?
- Are you sure they made it to the bathroom?

Conduct:
Generally, making predictions about who at the party is inbred is bad form. It’s better to stick to light, non-confrontational subjects like what kind of pasta you like and what you hate about your job. If you’re cornered and have to talk about a subject that could become argumentative, change the subject by talking about what commercials you like.

The booze has run out:
Sometimes parties die down on their own. However, more often than not, the party’s over when the booze is gone. Refrain from scouring the party for more alcohol. This includes, rubbing alcohol, triple sec, half drank beers, vanilla extract and beers that you have hidden in case they run out.

Time to leave:
Just walk (or stumble) out the front door and don’t turn back. Saving face and apologizing at this point isn’t as important as letting everyone else finally have the opportunity to make fun of how obnoxious you were all night.

Oh, and one final request: Never volunteer to show your breasts, ass or penis. If you’re going to do it, just do it. Don’t give us the chance to regret not looking away.

The Trick to Addiction

Posted on by patrickhmorris
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You can learn a lot while standing in line at Starbucks. I’ve heard people discuss the caloric content of carrot cake, what channel NBC was on when they were growing up in Ohio, the difference between their old cell phones and their new cell phones, and how much coffee they tend to drink.

On one occasion, I overheard this conversation:
Man – “I think I’m seriously addicted to coffee. I drink like four cups a day.”
Woman – “Really? I don’t think I’m addicted to anything.”
Man – “Oh come on. Everyone’s addicted to something.”
Woman – “Well, I guess I’m addicted to TV commercials.”

If I weren’t singing in my head “taaaall, soy! Mac-chi-ato. Grande half-calf. Espresso shot” to Bon Jovi’s ‘Shot through the heart’, I might have said something to these twits. Addicted to commercials? The only way someone could say this is if they had no idea what the word addicted means. Maybe they were thinking it meant “being mildly annoyed by”. Either way, it inspired me to set the record straight on addiction.

What makes an addiction:

The obvious answer here is anything you can’t control doing counts as an addiction. However, it’s difficult to identify the difference between wanting to do something and having to do something. To identify if you have an addiction ask yourself these questions:
1) Can I go on an eight hour train trip without needing/really wanting to do said addiction? – If the idea of not smoking for eight hours makes you panic, you’re addicted.
2) Could I ask for something that would accommodate my addiction for Christmas? – If your parents are willing to buy you a beer of the month membership, you’re not addicted.
3) Would someone who was describing me mention my potential addiction within the first thirty seconds? – “Josh is a great guy. Really sweet. He smokes a lot of pot, but he’s so warm and giving”, you’re addicted.

If you have an addiction, face the facts:

Nothing makes me more livid than hearing people try to justify their addiction through made up facts. If someone wants to smoke and is 100% aware of the effects it has on their health, fine. That’s their decision, but it kills me when I hear someone say “your lungs regenerate at a rate of smoking one pack per day until you’re thirty” or “if you drink two glasses of water between each cigarette you won’t suffer an ill health effects.”

My favorite of all time was when someone once told me biting your nails was more harmful than smoking because the rough edges of the bitten off nail could shred your stomach lining.

Own your addiction:

There is something noble about watching someone do something they fundamentally know is bad for their health and/or well-being, but with full consciousness and with pride.

Which scenario is more upsetting:

1) Someone with a shopping addiction is caught trying to smuggle a bag from Bloomingdale’s into their closet

Or

2) Someone with a shopping addiction comes barreling into the house with five bags from Bloomingdales screaming “WHOOOPPPSSSIIIEE!!!”

Keep your addiction out of the closet:

Things are getting bad when you find yourself buying an article of clothing that is meant to strictly accommodate your addiction. Refrain from buying the following:
1) Smoking jackets – smoking
2) Shiny shirts – coke
3) Baseball jerseys – alcohol
4) Anything tie dyed – pot

Best and worst addiction combinations:

Worst –
Business person with a coke addiction
Construction worker with an alcohol addiction
Musician addicted to cigarettes
Female addicted to shopping

Best –
Musician addicted to alcohol
Business person addicted to shopping (let them have their cake!)
Female addicted to sports
Construction worker addicted to fishing

When is an addiction a problem:

The general rule is that you should do something about your addiction the second you start being a-dick about it. This means you should quit smoking the second you light up a cigarette in someone’s new apartment without asking. You should quit drinking the first time you pee in something other than a toilet at someone else’s apartment. You should quit shopping when you buy anything that ends with “omatic” and you should stop doing drugs of all kind the second you start introducing yourself as “The Wolf”.

How to get rid of an addiction:

Not all addictions are the same. However, every addiction has two potential ways to get rid of it: cold turkey or getting addicted to something else. I suggest the latter.

Think of it, people will be so proud of you for not smoking, they won’t mind that you have to wash your hands 40 times an hour. Order a club soda at a bar and people will be singing your praise as a proud recovering alcoholic without caring that you’ve been buying every product on QVC for the past three weeks.

Everyone should be addicted to something at one time or another, if for nothing else then to feel helpless in some capacity. People spend too much time trying to be in complete control. It’s not a bad thing to let go and let something control you (unless it’s expensive, makes you fat or makes you check your heart beat every few minutes). Besides, you want to have something to talk about the next time you’re in Starbucks.