The Rules According To Patrick

I put a shirt in the microwave because I wanted it to dry. Little did I know that this doesn’t work at all.

I went to a friend’s work function and after one of his co-workers told a story about how she ruined a client’s ad and felt so guilty about it, I said, “Don’t worry about it. We’ve all made mistakes. One time I drowned this cat by accident.” When she said, “Are you comparing a silly botched ad with murdering a cat?” I said, “It wasn’t really a big deal. It wasn’t MY cat!”

At a company event I was handing out slices of cake. When I got to this woman who weighs close to 300 lbs I said, “Would you like a bigger piece?” When she said no I followed it up with, “Oh, you’re probably on a diet”.

Tried washing my hair with toothpaste to “See What Happened.”

When on the phone with the electric company, I forgot the word “deposit” and kept asking if I was required to pay the “severance charge.”

Kept talking to this girl about how much I liked the movie Wild at Heart the David Lynch movie with Nicolas Cage, but kept calling it Wild Things, the movie with Denise Richards, Neve Campbell and a sex scene.

When my phone rang, and I saw who was calling, I said, “I’m not talking to that guy until he admits to himself that he is gay,” and realized I had pressed “answer” instead of “silence”.

Tried to wake up my vegan friend by putting a cold piece of fried chicken on his face only to have him jolt awake and cut himself on the bone.

Told someone how I had hurt my back stretching and when they accused me of stretching incorrectly I showed them exactly how I had been stretching and hurt myself again.

After a late night, I got onto the subway. I immediately fall asleep. Then, all of a sudden, I woke up and saw the doors are closing. “How long have I been asleep? I must have missed my stop!” I jumped off and realized that I was still at the stop where I had gotten onto the train.