Monthly Archives: April 2008

Rules on Spending Free Money

Posted on by patrickhmorris
1

Picture this:
It’s Christmas morning. You’re ten years old. You don’t slowly wake up as much as explode into a giddy state because of the promise your father had made. For the past few months he’s been promising to buy you a brand new, state of the art, can’t help but be jealous when you see it glide by -bicycle. You run down the stairs, wondering if falling would get you down faster and burst into the living room to find…no bike.

Not only is there no bike, but your father’s not there either. He didn’t come home last night. When you’re almost done opening all the presents which don’t fill the void left by the let down of not getting the bike you coveted, your father shows up. He stumbles into the house completely drunk and almost knocks over the Christmas tree because he can’t keep himself upright. Your mother is embarrassed so she tries to make light of the situation. However, this angers your father and he slugs her in the face, vomits on your brother and kicks the dog in the grain. Everyone in the room is crying. Christmas is ruined.

Now picture your father sobering up a few hours later, seeing the mess he created and going out to buy you a bike out of guilt. When he comes home with the new shiny bike, what do you do?

In other words…what do you plan to do with your $600 economic relief money?

Our president has spent the last 7.5 years finding ways to take proverbial dumps on the public’s chests. Even when he’s tried to do something good, such as giving back a diminutive amount of money as inflation grows and consumer confidence plummets, I can’t help but feel like the decision to do so involved him asking, “How much should we give these retards?”

Don’t get me wrong, I love getting money. Like most people, my morals are susceptible to bribes. I can be bought and $600 sounds like a pretty good number to me.

The real question is: How should I spend my $600?

I know I’m not the only person asking this question this week. While everyone knows they should be putting their money into a high-yield savings account, few will. Even fewer will spend the money correctly. Here are some rules on spending your economic relief fund check.

Don’t Give It To The Bad Guys

There are certain companies who should not get your $600. They are:
1) Gas companies – somewhere in America there is a board room where gasoline executives are sitting around taking advice from Mr. Burns.
2) Apple – I could have only $40 and I would somehow find a way to buy the new $200 iPod (which is almost exactly like the one I bought 9 months ago). They don’t need any help by people getting a lump of cash in the middle of the month.
3) Credit Card Companies – I’m convinced George Bush runs these too.
4) KFC – the last time I went there they forgot to give me my potato wedges.

Most Purchased Products

The two most purchased products in the next few weeks will be bags and sunglasses. I’ll put my economic relief fund on it. Why those two things? As summer approaches we want to show we’ve escaped a dark, dirty and crud-filled winter to emerge in a world where the sun is bright, things are clean and everything has a bright white shine to it.

Sunglasses and bags are what people in the industry call “I’ve been treated unfairly, I’m going to splurge on something that has been designed to make me happy at this moment, but will never give me even a second of satisfaction after this”-products. Give people extra cash and they’re going to be helpless against the urge to buy them.

How Much Is That Memory

Ultimately, if you’re not going to put the money in savings, you should spend your money on something you’ll always remember. If a picture is worth 1,000 words than a memory must be worth $600, right?
Two words:
1) Ski
2) Ball

Not only will you have a blast playing ski-ball for roughly 120 hours (I really did the math – I assumed each game was 3 minutes long and you found a place to play for a quarter), but you might get a perfect game at some point. That may not mean much to you, but I know I’d pay $600 to be able to say I was perfect without knowing it was a lie.

Practicality Isn’t Enjoyable

One Christmas, my brother and I received $30 worth of gift certificates to KFC (this blog is brought to you by Kentucky Fried Chicken, Mmmm…). We thought about using them over time to pay for our meals, but at the last minute, decided to buy 60 biscuits instead. We marched out of that place with four huge bags filled with nothing but biscuits and enjoyed throwing them all over town more than all the thigh and leg meals in the world.

Buy a Laugh

I’m hoping to see at least one person with a T-shirt that says:

“I got $600 as part of the economic relief package and all I got was this dumb T-shirt”

It makes just enough sense, while being completely confusing at the same time.

No matter what you spend your money on, try to enjoy it. There’s nothing worse than hearing someone talk about the TV they bought last year with their $600 and remembering yourself paying an electrical bill and getting a comforter dry-cleaned. This is your money; you’ve earned it by enduring all the mishaps, collapses and moments of shear panic. Get on that bike and ride it around the block.

Say What You Mean

Posted on by patrickhmorris
1

Ever heard the phrase “do as I do, not as I say,”? How about “do as I say, not as I mean,”?

- What I said -
It’s not a problem.

- What I meant -
Thank you for making me wait for so long. You’ve pushed me to my complete limit and I’ve discovered a whole new side of homicidal thoughts I never thought possible. Chances are, the anger I’m holding in right now is going to make me say something stupid to my girlfriend like “it’s not that you’re stupid…it’s that you’re a woman,” and get us into a huge fight.

- What I said –
I don’t particularly like that show

- What I meant –
That show is for morons. Every time the writers for that show get together they start by saying “ok, name some things idiots like.” I’d rather watch a five year old cry as his parents scream at him than watch that show.

- What I said –
Do you think these pants are too tight?

- What I meant –
Let’s face it…I’m starting a period in my life that will be marked by an incredibly swift decline. The last thing I want is to be one of those fat old guys in skinny jeans. Those people always look like they have no idea how old and fat they’ve become.

Maybe I should just wear a bed sheet with two eye holes so I look like a ghost instead of having my stomach pop out from under my tight t-shirt while I’m struggling to get some change out of my pocket.

Don’t let me be that guy.

- What I said –
He’s like a mentor to me.

- What I meant –
I’ve learned more from Donald Duck than I’ve learned from that guy. I wouldn’t take lessons from him on how to put on pants because I’m sure he’d screw it up and they’d burst into flames at one point.

- What I said –
I’m not a big gin drinker

- What I meant –
When I was younger, my great Aunt went to hug me and simultaneously spilled her gin on the rocks on my chest and did one of those gin burp/throw-up combos on my face. Her only reaction was to kiss me on the cheek and inform me “gin don’t stain…now get me another one of these in a much bigger glass.”

- What I said –
Nice to meet you.

- What I meant –
The other day, I called my best friend by the name of my first dog – Scruffles. My memory has been reduced to a pile of baba ganoush…do you think there is anyway I’m going to remember who you are? I have roughly 75 different passwords for various accounts. Those I have to remember. Meeting some guy who is friends with someone I know at a bar. You’re as easily forgotten as the state capitals, baby.

- What I said –
What does your boyfriend do?

- What I meant –
I’m pretty sure it’s only a matter of time till my girlfriend figures out there are better options out there and I’m wondering if I need to keep you away from her so she doesn’t get any ideas while listening to you talk about your boyfriend who has a better job than me.

- What I said –
Thanks, man.

- What I meant –
I was on the fence about this shirt and now I’m 100% sure it’s a horrible shirt? Why? Cause if you liked it so much, you would have been so jealous you didn’t own it that you wouldn’t even mention it. Guys only compliment three things:
1) cars
2) golf clubs
And
3) things that make you look stupid – i.e. “nice shades…dude”.

The simple fact you’ve acknowledged its existence is proof you’re thinking how much this shirt makes me look like a joke.

Coffee Thoughts

Posted on by patrickhmorris
3

While standing in line at a Starbucks, the mind starts to wander…and wander…

One medium coffee and one tall, soy, cinnamon dolce latte. I hope I have enough money. I should have enough. One medium coffee and one tall, soy, cinnamon dolce latte. I’m not going to say Tall or Grande. I don’t do Starbucks speak. When I was in Puerto Rico, I said “grande coffee” and that made sense. Here, I feel like a cult member. I might as well place my order, say “s’l vous plait” and make a fart noise with my mouth.

One medium coffee and one small, soy, cinnamon dolce latte. I wonder if I should tell them there’s a huge dead fly on that piece of lemon cake. I bet they’d say, “No, sir, that’s a dead Grande fly.”

I hope this woman gets off her cell phone before she has to order. It’s annoying enough standing in line with her talking to someone who I’ll assume is an idiot for my own amusement. I’m making myself a promise – if she is still on her cell phone when she orders I’m going pull out my cell phone and say, “Hey, Frank. I’m at Starbucks. Yeah, there’s this real huge bitch in front of me who won’t get off her cell phone. Is pushing someone considered assault?”

One medium coffee and one small, soy, cinnamon dolce latte. I think there should only be two acceptable responses when someone asks, “I’m going out to get coffee, does anyone want anything?” Those two responses are, “No,” and “I’ll come with you.” I don’t even know if Ms. Soy Cinnamon Dolce Latte is going to pay me back or if she thinks this one is on the house. I’m not handing it to her until I see at least $4 from her.

If coffee is supposed to put hair on your chest…what takes it off? Whatever it is, I should be drinking that stuff. I remember my first cup of coffee. I was into sports, but one time, I found myself at a Denny’s with a bunch of kids in theater. The theater crowd likes coffee. I didn’t know how many sugars to ask for so I just said “the usual,” hoping the waiter might confuse me with someone else’s “usual” order.

One medium coffee and one small, soy, cinnamon dolce latte. Why aren’t there energy drink bars? Red Bull can’t open up a little shop? I don’t know how coffee did it, but it somehow became the perfect drink for picking yourself up AND for calming down. There’s a guy right over there drinking a cup of coffee and quietly reading the newspaper. If I opened a Red Bull bar, there would be padded walls and everything in the bar could be thrown all over the place.

I wonder if the person behind me is starring at my ass. I’m starring at the person’s ass in front of me. I should check.

Great! Now the guy behind me thinks I’m checking him out. He definitely wasn’t starring at my ass. Should I be insulted? Even better, I’m ordering a completely feminine drink. He’s going to think I’m gay for sure. Maybe I’ll order my coffee and then say “this big breasted hottie I’m sleeping with would like a…” Would that fly? Is that sexual harassment? Oh well, I’d rather be thought of as gay than the poor sucker who orders the lemon cake.

I’m going to ask the barista if there’s one drink they hate to make. What if it’s mine? Should I feel guilty? Should I make my co-worker feel guilty? I’m going to tell my co-worker it’s her drink no matter what the barista says.

One medium coffee and one small, soy, cinnamon dolce latte. I really should update my blog. It’s been a while since I’ve written anything. I bet people are annoyed. I’m not sure who I think these people are, but I have to think people care about my blog or else it’s…well, a blog. There has to be a few people who go home each night and say, “Honey, I had another shitty day. ThePatrickRules.com remains un-updated. It’s getting really hard to get out of bed in the morning.” Maybe?

I should just write down my thoughts. My thoughts? Those aren’t interesting. I should make up a story. Maybe the Starbucks gets held up and someone tells me there’s a gun behind the Venti cups – but since I refuse to acknowledge the Starbucks speak, the robber gets away. Naaahhh, those stories are boring.

That’s the problem:
Real life is boring and made up stories are obviously made up because they’re NOT boring.

I think I’m going to get the wrong order for my co-worker just so she never lets me get coffee for her again.

I wish the guitar solo for We Will Rock You was better. It starts off great, but after that it’s kinda blah. I need new sneakers.

Oh good, the woman in front of me got off her cell phone. Now I feel kind of guilty for starring at her ass this whole time. Maybe the guy in back of me noticed I was starring and knows I’m not gay. I hope he starred at my ass for just a second though.

Beware of Awesome

Posted on by patrickhmorris
1

Try to guess which phrase my father forbids me to say:

a) I quit
b) I’ll try
c) How bad could it be

If you knew my father and his less than secret quest to destroy me, you would have guessed the correct answer, C. When it comes to quitting my father said, “The only thing more noble than trying to conquer a challenge is not trying to do something you stink at.”

When it came to the phrase, “I’ll try,” he says, “Failure is unavoidable. You’ll lead an empty life if you don’t at least try.”

However, when it comes to the phrase, “How bad could it be,” my father is adamantly against it. The reason for this is because he is convinced there is a ripple in the cosmic sphere which can be opened and a power of great significance will be unleashed to smite anyone who had utters the phrase. In other words, if you say “how bad could it be,” you are about to find out it is worse than you could have ever expected.

Most people would find my father’s logic flawed, un-correlated and downright dumber than a can of tuna. My father, however, thinks his theory is scientific fact due to the incredible times he has been proven right. If he sees a sign that says, “Two Lobsters for the Price of One,” he might say, “That’s a great deal. How bad could they be?” only to find out they were fatty crayfish and one was $40. If we sees a hotel that said it has a heated pool he would say, “How bad could it be” and he’d find out the pool was as big and as deep as a wheelbarrow and was only heated by the incredible amount of urine left behind by previous users.

There are times when I see a drink special for something called an “Oil Burn” and think, “How bad can it be,” but I keep my mouth shut. I’ve grown into a superstitious man who thinks the universe is out to get me.

That’s probably why I’ve created a new phrase to be intrinsically leery of. Some people think it might be when my girlfriend tells me, “I’m late,” or when my boss brings me into his office and says, “Shut the door.” No, the phrase that stops me dead in my tracks is, “It’s gonna be awesome.”

I’ve come to learn that the phrase, “It’s gonna be awesome,” is code for, “What is about to happen is going to be horrible. Awesome is actually the last word you will describe it as.”

Think of all the times someone has told you it’s going to be awesome. No matter what “it” is, “it” is going to fall short and either leaves you in the hospital or having wasted a lot of money.

Here are some common examples of when you might hear someone say, “It’s going to be awesome,”:
 - “Hey, man. Let’s get in these trash cans and roll down this hill. It’s gonna be awesome!”
 - “Let’s add cheese to this chocolate cake. It’s gonna be awesome!”
 - “Let’s drive ten hours to a casino in Ohio! It’s gonna be awesome!”
 - “I found this gun. You want to shoot it? It’s gonna be awesome!”

Not to be overlooked is the fact that most of the time the phrase is predicated by the also sketchy phrase of, “Trust me.” Someone who says this is almost afraid you might see through his rouse and that breaking a bottle over your head ISN’T going to be awesome, so he decides to add trust in as an added confidence factor. Giving trust to someone who is proposing a, “It’s gonna be awesome” scenario is like getting a receipt from someone who sells TVs out of the back of a truck.

The other thing about the phrase that gets me is that I mostly hear it from people who are drunk or high. That’s a red flag right there. ANYTHING that is directly associated with drinking and drugs should immediately be met with a level of skepticism. Not necessarily avoid, but carefully examined.

Do you know what never gets the phrase, “It’s gonna be awesome” attached to it? Things that are actually awesome. They don’t need to be sold. It’s like beach front property or a party filled with models – there doesn’t need to be much else said.

Maybe I’m being too uptight. Who knows how many historical moments came together based on the common concept that, “It’s gonna be awesome,”? Is it possible George Washington pronounced, “We shall take the British at Yorktown…It’s gonna be awesome,” or Michelangelo said, “I’m gonna paint the shit out of this church’s ceiling… It’s gonna be awesome,”?

Regardless of what actually was said that inspired the great things in our existence, I stay away from the phrase now. I’ve learned things that are awesome (fireworks) should be left as is and not made into things that are gonna be awesome (firing them at each other).