The Rules According To Patrick

Ever heard the phrase “do as I do, not as I say,”? How about “do as I say, not as I mean,”?

- What I said -
It’s not a problem.

- What I meant -
Thank you for making me wait for so long. You’ve pushed me to my complete limit and I’ve discovered a whole new side of homicidal thoughts I never thought possible. Chances are, the anger I’m holding in right now is going to make me say something stupid to my girlfriend like “it’s not that you’re stupid…it’s that you’re a woman,” and get us into a huge fight.

- What I said –
I don’t particularly like that show

- What I meant –
That show is for morons. Every time the writers for that show get together they start by saying “ok, name some things idiots like.” I’d rather watch a five year old cry as his parents scream at him than watch that show.

- What I said –
Do you think these pants are too tight?

- What I meant –
Let’s face it…I’m starting a period in my life that will be marked by an incredibly swift decline. The last thing I want is to be one of those fat old guys in skinny jeans. Those people always look like they have no idea how old and fat they’ve become.

Maybe I should just wear a bed sheet with two eye holes so I look like a ghost instead of having my stomach pop out from under my tight t-shirt while I’m struggling to get some change out of my pocket.

Don’t let me be that guy.

- What I said –
He’s like a mentor to me.

- What I meant –
I’ve learned more from Donald Duck than I’ve learned from that guy. I wouldn’t take lessons from him on how to put on pants because I’m sure he’d screw it up and they’d burst into flames at one point.

- What I said –
I’m not a big gin drinker

- What I meant –
When I was younger, my great Aunt went to hug me and simultaneously spilled her gin on the rocks on my chest and did one of those gin burp/throw-up combos on my face. Her only reaction was to kiss me on the cheek and inform me “gin don’t stain…now get me another one of these in a much bigger glass.”

- What I said –
Nice to meet you.

- What I meant –
The other day, I called my best friend by the name of my first dog – Scruffles. My memory has been reduced to a pile of baba ganoush…do you think there is anyway I’m going to remember who you are? I have roughly 75 different passwords for various accounts. Those I have to remember. Meeting some guy who is friends with someone I know at a bar. You’re as easily forgotten as the state capitals, baby.

- What I said –
What does your boyfriend do?

- What I meant –
I’m pretty sure it’s only a matter of time till my girlfriend figures out there are better options out there and I’m wondering if I need to keep you away from her so she doesn’t get any ideas while listening to you talk about your boyfriend who has a better job than me.

- What I said –
Thanks, man.

- What I meant –
I was on the fence about this shirt and now I’m 100% sure it’s a horrible shirt? Why? Cause if you liked it so much, you would have been so jealous you didn’t own it that you wouldn’t even mention it. Guys only compliment three things:
1) cars
2) golf clubs
And
3) things that make you look stupid – i.e. “nice shades…dude”.

The simple fact you’ve acknowledged its existence is proof you’re thinking how much this shirt makes me look like a joke.