Monthly Archives: May 2008

iPhone Version 2.0

Posted on by patrickhmorris
3

Media sources all over the country are reporting Apple’s iPhone’s diminishing stock. Many retail outlets are sold out and their request to acquire more is met with a resounding “no” from Apple. Pundits and techno-obsessed consumers are predicting a new version of the ground breaking iPhone will be announced at Apple’s next June keynote.

The big question that has clogged the blogosphere has been what improvements will this new version have. While most of the expected features are based on an improved network and real time GPS functions, it’s been a race to find out what else Steve Jobs has up his mock turtle neck’s sleeve.

Until now…

Folks, it’s not often that I report breaking news. Most of my stories take place in the past well after the point of them being painful. However, last week, an email fell into my inbox that I couldn’t keep to myself.

Apparently, Paul Morris at Apple didn’t get his email called “Upgrade in iPhone Features”. Instead, Patrick Morris (me), did. It brings me great pleasure to report on the new features for Apple’s upgraded iPhone called “Sabortooth”.

Smaller Size

The first version of the iPhone was small – 4.5″ x 2.4″ x 0.46″ and only weighed 4.8 oz. The new version will be even smaller. How small? How about 4.5″ x 2.4″ x 0.46″ and only weigh 4.78 oz small?

Anti-Bacterial

While Apple condemns the idea that any of its customers have germs, iPhones are often touched and held by non-Apple customers. Now iPhone users won’t have to coyly wipe down their iPhone after their friend has marveled over its brilliant touch screen capabilities.

Improved Mapping

iPhone users who often look for a faster way to get between points A and B will now have improved mapping functions. More specifically, Apple’s maps will be right while all Google-based gmaps and Yahoo/AOL-based mapquest maps will be wrong due to an unprecedented “sabotage agreement” between the respective companies.

Enhanced Sensors

Apple worked around the clock to make the design of the new iPhone even more stunning. People won’t be able to take their eyes off of it. However, Apple recognizes their users want privacy and don’t want to deal with constant onlookers watching them check their email on the subway to work. That’s why Apple installed a new sensor that can tell when someone is starring at your iPhone too long and will emit a loud laughing sound followed by a, “In-your-face-poor boy!” chant.

Also, the new iPhone will alert male users when an attractive woman is in the vicinity so they can pretend to be busy on their phone and avoid any possible human interaction.

More Responsive Touch Screen

One spot on the touch screen makes the iPhone go absolutely crazy.

Pricing

The last version of the iPhone was a major success. The one complaint centered around pricing. People were shocked to see a $600 price tag and even more shocked to see that price slashed mere months after the product was introduced. This version will start at the introductory price of $800, but in three months, the price will sky-rocket to $1,200 and a 4lb weight will be placed on to each remaining iPhone. It’s Apple’s ultimate reverse “fuck you” to its most obsessed consumers.

Stock Commitments

Unlike the first version, the second version will never sell out. In fact, Apple has created an unprecedented reward system when each milestone in quantity sold is reached. Apple has committed to the following:

- 1 million iPhone’s sold: Apple will murder Joey Fatone
- 2 million iPhone’s sold: Apple will murder Star Jones
- 3 million iPhone’s sold: Apple will murder Jay Leno

To show the consumer Apple is committed to this system, they will kill Brandon Frasier after the first iPhone is sold.

Dynamic Voicemail

One revolutionary way iPhone is changing the way we use our mobile phones is to introduce dynamic voicemail (DyVo). The DyVo will gather common phrases you use from your call log (such as, “How’s work going?” and “I’ve been really busy”) and automatically match them against people who are calling you. In other words, you can talk to your friends without having to actually talk to them. Extensive research has shown that of the 23 hours people talk on their phone per month, only 4 minutes of that is unique or important conversation time. Now, with DyVo, you can cut off the fat.

Assurance Feature

The new iPhone will constantly assure you that you don’t have cancer.

Multi-Sensory

iPhones will continue to look brilliant, but the new version will smell like bacon and feel like the top of a puppy’s head.

More Facebook Friendly

The increased compatibility with Facebook will make it less frustrating when in 6 months you follow the herd to a new social networking site called Chumtown.com or I look at my profile 1,000 times more than anyone else does[dot]com.

Pretentious Users

iPhones cannot be operated by people who can’t name more than 8 types of cheese, 6 classical composers or have laughed at a “I’m a white guy trying to act black” joke.

Link to Accounts

Now your new iPhone can link directly to your bank account so Apple can take money directly out whenever they introduce a new product, you brainwashed robot who is too stupid to realize Apple has tricked you into buying a fancy memory chip 5 times!

Survival of the Weak and Lazy

Posted on by patrickhmorris
1

“Why are you doing this? These weights are heavy!!”…

I’m pretty sure Darwin’s concept of survival of the fittest didn’t involve nautilus machines and stairmasters. However, according to him, only the strongest will survive and after I struggled to carry a case of beer from the store to my house, I decided that perhaps I wasn’t going to be one of the survivors.

I decided to “do something” about my physical make-up and did an activity I hadn’t done in months: I picked up heavy pieces of metal and moved them repeatedly in an action called “Working Out”.

Most people who work out suck it up and join a gym. Me? I’m still convinced that I can beat the system and be physically fit without spending $80 a month and having to ever say, “Yes, I’m next in line for the row machine”. Basically, I’ve seen the work out montage in Rocky IV too many times and think working out in a gym is for communist steroid users.

Of course, for every ounce of joy I get from not working out with other people as vain as me, I get an equal amount of embarrassment from doing mad up exercises in my room.

At first the plan was to be like Bruce Lee and just use my own body weight as a form of resistance (when the cheapest option is Bruce Lee’s option, you know I’m giving that one a shot). That plan was nixed when I flexed for a friend and he said, “Your muscles just look like big veins.”

The next plan was to get a chin-up bar and work out like a psycho killer would. How many movies have you seen where the psycho killed does a hundred chin-ups with a giant tattoo on his back? Five? Ten? A hundred? It was a good plan until I realized that a) I didn’t have a tattoo on my back and b) maxing out at five chin-ups wasn’t impressive or giving me psycho killer strength.

Eventually I bought two 25lb weights and stuck them in my closet hoping to somehow get fit and trim through osmosis. Apparently this isn’t how physical fitness works and I was forced to actually use them.

I made a playlist on my iPod of songs I would describe as “angry” or “adrenaline coercing.” The idea was that when I needed just a little bit extra to pull the stupid iron blocks up to my shoulders one more time, I’d find the strength in a guitar solo. The music also served a second purpose – to hide the stupid sounds of exertion you’re bound to make and your roommates are bound to get suspicious of.

Half-way through the first set of arm curl…things…I was bored, tired, and hearing my body start to ask the question, “Why are you doing this?!” To distract myself, I decided to visualize all the positive things that would happen from working out.

I imagined myself much older at a dinner table. I’m surrounded by my wife, a friend, and his wife. All of a sudden, my friend grabs his chest and starts gasping for air. It’s a heart attack and he falls off the chair, dead. Both women look at me and scootch their chairs toward me. I pick them up, one in each hand, and hold them high above my head as they cheer in delight because I’m physically more fit than the dead guy on the floor.

Back in reality, I switched to a different exercise.

This time my mind took me to the beach. A group of us get out of a van. It’s a beautiful day and we’re the only ones there. The people I’m with all take off for the water, pushing each other playfully as they run towards the oncoming waves. As they drift off into the distance I take off my shirt and slowly stroll towards the water, easing myself in. Within seconds the tide sweeps my friends away and I am left bobbing up and down laughing as I easily swim back to shore because I’m more fit than they are. Then, for some reason, I start playing an acoustic guitar and am surrounded by a group of people. Everyone is moved to tears – partially because of my muscles, but mainly because they’ve never heard a song that made them feel this way before.

I stopped trying to lift these hunks of heaviness and put them down on the ground. I felt tired. I felt a little embarrassed and I knew the most I could hope for from working out was a “You sure you got that?” comment the next time I helped someone move. I lay there for a few minutes, starring at the ceiling. The muscles in my body were starting to ache and my heart was beating fast. The question of, “Why are you doing this?” kept drifting back into my head and without the crazy day dreaming, it started to be a valid question I couldn’t ignore.

I sat up, went into the living room, found a Snickers bar I hid in the fridge, and grabbed two beers. I went back to my room, opened up my laptop, and typed in wikipedia.com to look up Darwin. My only hope at survival was to find out that I’d misinterpreted the quote.