Media sources all over the country are reporting Apple’s iPhone’s diminishing stock. Many retail outlets are sold out and their request to acquire more is met with a resounding “no” from Apple. Pundits and techno-obsessed consumers are predicting a new version of the ground breaking iPhone will be announced at Apple’s next June keynote.

The big question that has clogged the blogosphere has been what improvements will this new version have. While most of the expected features are based on an improved network and real time GPS functions, it’s been a race to find out what else Steve Jobs has up his mock turtle neck’s sleeve.

Until now…

Folks, it’s not often that I report breaking news. Most of my stories take place in the past well after the point of them being painful. However, last week, an email fell into my inbox that I couldn’t keep to myself.

Apparently, Paul Morris at Apple didn’t get his email called “Upgrade in iPhone Features”. Instead, Patrick Morris (me), did. It brings me great pleasure to report on the new features for Apple’s upgraded iPhone called “Sabortooth”.

Smaller Size

The first version of the iPhone was small – 4.5″ x 2.4″ x 0.46″ and only weighed 4.8 oz. The new version will be even smaller. How small? How about 4.5″ x 2.4″ x 0.46″ and only weigh 4.78 oz small?

Anti-Bacterial

While Apple condemns the idea that any of its customers have germs, iPhones are often touched and held by non-Apple customers. Now iPhone users won’t have to coyly wipe down their iPhone after their friend has marveled over its brilliant touch screen capabilities.

Improved Mapping

iPhone users who often look for a faster way to get between points A and B will now have improved mapping functions. More specifically, Apple’s maps will be right while all Google-based gmaps and Yahoo/AOL-based mapquest maps will be wrong due to an unprecedented “sabotage agreement” between the respective companies.

Enhanced Sensors

Apple worked around the clock to make the design of the new iPhone even more stunning. People won’t be able to take their eyes off of it. However, Apple recognizes their users want privacy and don’t want to deal with constant onlookers watching them check their email on the subway to work. That’s why Apple installed a new sensor that can tell when someone is starring at your iPhone too long and will emit a loud laughing sound followed by a, “In-your-face-poor boy!” chant.

Also, the new iPhone will alert male users when an attractive woman is in the vicinity so they can pretend to be busy on their phone and avoid any possible human interaction.

More Responsive Touch Screen

One spot on the touch screen makes the iPhone go absolutely crazy.

Pricing

The last version of the iPhone was a major success. The one complaint centered around pricing. People were shocked to see a $600 price tag and even more shocked to see that price slashed mere months after the product was introduced. This version will start at the introductory price of $800, but in three months, the price will sky-rocket to $1,200 and a 4lb weight will be placed on to each remaining iPhone. It’s Apple’s ultimate reverse “fuck you” to its most obsessed consumers.

Stock Commitments

Unlike the first version, the second version will never sell out. In fact, Apple has created an unprecedented reward system when each milestone in quantity sold is reached. Apple has committed to the following:

- 1 million iPhone’s sold: Apple will murder Joey Fatone
- 2 million iPhone’s sold: Apple will murder Star Jones
- 3 million iPhone’s sold: Apple will murder Jay Leno

To show the consumer Apple is committed to this system, they will kill Brandon Frasier after the first iPhone is sold.

Dynamic Voicemail

One revolutionary way iPhone is changing the way we use our mobile phones is to introduce dynamic voicemail (DyVo). The DyVo will gather common phrases you use from your call log (such as, “How’s work going?” and “I’ve been really busy”) and automatically match them against people who are calling you. In other words, you can talk to your friends without having to actually talk to them. Extensive research has shown that of the 23 hours people talk on their phone per month, only 4 minutes of that is unique or important conversation time. Now, with DyVo, you can cut off the fat.

Assurance Feature

The new iPhone will constantly assure you that you don’t have cancer.

Multi-Sensory

iPhones will continue to look brilliant, but the new version will smell like bacon and feel like the top of a puppy’s head.

More Facebook Friendly

The increased compatibility with Facebook will make it less frustrating when in 6 months you follow the herd to a new social networking site called Chumtown.com or I look at my profile 1,000 times more than anyone else does[dot]com.

Pretentious Users

iPhones cannot be operated by people who can’t name more than 8 types of cheese, 6 classical composers or have laughed at a “I’m a white guy trying to act black” joke.

Link to Accounts

Now your new iPhone can link directly to your bank account so Apple can take money directly out whenever they introduce a new product, you brainwashed robot who is too stupid to realize Apple has tricked you into buying a fancy memory chip 5 times!