I remember the first time I heard Nirvana. My father, brother and I were driving home from a little league game in his pick-up truck when this song came on that sounded unlike anything I had ever experienced. There was an energy about it and it drove us into an absolute frenzy. My brother and I were shaking our bodies and banging our fists against anything that wouldn’t break. My father was so excited by the song that we drove right past our house. 
From that moment on, I was hooked. This band made the only music that made sense to me. It changed the way I dressed, my attitude towards the world and my desire to fit in. Kurt’s scathing voice, David’s thunderous drums and Krist’s…lankiness, all came together and rocked me.
Shortly after, another band came around with similar excitement. They called themselves Pearl Jam. They weren’t as dirty as Nirvana, they weren’t as Raw and there lead singer didn’t scream, he went “WhOOOoooOAAaaaa.” In other words I hated them.
It’s been 17 years since Nirvana and Pearl Jam became the face of music (I just threw up on myself thinking about how that was 17 YEARS ago!). Nirvana died before it got old because it had to, but Pearl Jam kept going. 
I resented them for it. From day one they felt like they were the safe band to like. The band frat boys could site as their favorite band without sounding gay. The band you could wear sandals with socks to their show and not feel lame. Basically, they were the Dave Mathews Band without a fiddle player.
A few months ago, my friend Vin, who loves Pearl Jam more than he’ll love any of his kids, bought me a ticket to the second of two shows at Madison Square Garden. I resisted, I lied about being busy, but ultimately, I went.
Without further ado, I present a running diary of the night:
5:38 – Meet up with Vin at a bar. The friend he came down with is already at the show standing in line to buy a poster. When I say, “He’s gonna stand in line for an hour just to buy a poster?” Vin informs me, “He’s been there since 2:30.”
5:51 – Vin orders a beer and the waitress says, “I’ll let you try it, but it’s gross.” I’d like to thank the good people at Ginger Man for offering a $7 beer the waitress won’t sell to people.
5:53 – The show doesn’t start till 8:00, but Vin is looking at his watch every thirty seconds and drinking his beer so fast, I half expect him try and flip his cup after he’s finished.
6:10 – After a few beers and some general catching up, I’m feeling pretty good about the show. Vin has this look in his eye that says, “This is one of only a handful of nights that make my life worth living.”
6:14 – We find our seats. They’re amazing. Really close, center section and we’re up against a guard rail so we don’t have to worry about deuchy fans directly in front of us. There are roughly 200 people in the entire place and 150 of them are employees. I guess that’s what happens when you show up almost 2 hours before the show starts.
6:27 – Vin sees his friend who he saw last night’s show with, Parker. After he finishes talking to an usher, Parker comes over to us and says, “I think that guy is gonna hook me up and let me stand in the wheelchair section near the stage.” I ask, isn’t STANDING in a wheelchair section a pretty big, “Fuck you”? Without understanding why people are in wheelchairs Parker says, “How can anyone sit through a rock show!?”.
6:34 – We head to a bar on the upper level and buy a round of Bud Light because Parker wants as many of the New York Rangers cups as we can get.
6:41 – Parker has informed me that if Pearl Jam doesn’t play a certain song for their opener, he’s going to run down to our section and pour beer on my head. I have no idea how that would make anyone feel better.
7:05 – The opening act comes on. Not only do we not move, but no one moves. Ted Leo is now playing to 18,000 empty seats and thinking about how much cooler Pearl Jam’s bus is than theirs.
7:14 – The bar starts filling up with Pearl Jam fans. I’m now surrounded by a bunch of dudes who wore their “cool cargo shorts” and all can be described as “thick”. I make a promise to go running after the show and to never cut my hair again.
7:20 – I overhear this conversation:
Guy 1 – “Last night’s show was good, but the crowd was dead. I mean, it was a good crowd…for a Hartford show!”
Guy 2 – “More like a Wilmington show!”
7:21 – A conversation gets going where it is revealed I’m not a Pearl Jam fan. I try to be diplomatic and not say anything divisive like, “Kurt Cobain killed himself because of people like you guys!”
7:43 – We go to our seats and there’s a buzz in the crowd. People are starting to feel excited. After looking around the entire stadium I ask Vin, “Where are all the attractive female Pearl Jam fans?” Vin looks around and says, “That fat, bald guy over there is pretty hot.”
7:52 – Madison Square Garden has a curfew of 11:30. I wonder why Vin is telling me this since the show starts at 8:00.
8:03 – The lights go down and 18,000 people start screaming. Ok, 17,999 people start screaming.
8:05 – The first song starts and I brace myself for a beer on the head. Vin tells me not to worry, Parker got his wish. I wonder what court would convict me for killing a man who poured beer on my head because Pearl Jam didn’t open with Rise.
8:09 – Eddie Vedder is drinking out of a wine bottle. Apparently, this is his thing. It’s half rock star and half snobby. It’s like jerking off to a New Yorker.
8:47 – Eddie brings up three back-up singers for a song. They do that choreographed sway and are smiling the whole time. I’ve deemed the argument of who is cooler – Eddie or Kurt – officially over.
8:51 – The crowd is out of their minds. Everyone is jumping up and down and frothing at the mouth. People’s heads would start exploding if they gave away Tevas.
9:03 – Eddie sees a sign in the audience and reads it to the crowd. It says, “This is my 100th Pearl Jam show.” I immediately start thinking about what I’ve done 100 times. Can I carry around a sign that says, “This is my 100th time spending too much at a bar,” or “This is my 100th day coming into work hung over”?
9:06 – Keeping to their politically liberal persona, Eddie announces he thinks Bush isn’t very smart. THE CROWD GOES WILD. Then he mumbles something about Obama. THE CROWD GOES WILD. Any second now I’m expecting everyone to put on white robes and being told to drink the purple liquid under their seats.
9:07 – Look, I like liberal thoughts and it’s important to have people who have a voice have something to say, but I’m pretty sure that if you ever asked Kurt Cobain what he thought of the President he would have said, “what’s a president” and then destroyed Dave Grohl’s drum set because that’s what rock stars do.
9:18 – The band starts Even Flow. Vin informs me that this is “the bathroom break song for real Pearl Jam fans,” and thousands of people run for the john to show how they’ve matured musically with the band. These are the same people who loved the Spin Doctors, but not Two Princes and Little Miss Can’t be Wrong.
9:38 – The back-up singers are back on stage. They fake laugh and hug the band so we believe they are allowed on the tour bus and stay at the same hotel as the band.
9:54 – I’ve got to say this about the experience. Almost every single fan is having a blast. You could stop the show and say, “For an extra $500, we’ll play one more song,” and almost everyone would reach for their credit cards.
10:08 – We’ve pushed past the one hour mark and I have to pee. I ask Vin when is a good time to head for the bathroom and he says, “They jam on this song for the next ten minutes.” I guess now.
10:09 – I see a sign on the way to the bathroom that says “Limit one beer per person. Must be 21 years old. Beer is grossly overpriced because we are evil. Cannot get upset when they spill it on the floor.” Maybe it just said the first part. Not sure. 
10:37 – Eddie has played with a different guitar for every song. When he puts on a grayish one Vin says, “The next song is Better Man.” He was right. I saw a Nirvana concert once. Kurt played his vintage blue Mustang the entire show. The only time he changed his guitar was before the last song when he got a brand new Stratocaster and then smashed the shit out of it.
10:51 – After a song, Eddie gets the house lights on, points to a jersey for Mark Messier hanging in the rafters and says, “This next song goes out to #11. You’ve been a big fan for many years. Thanks, Brian.” The crowd goes crazy while I’m screaming, “No one cares he said the wrong name!?!?”
11:08 – “And now a song sung by our drummer!!” This is the equivalent of the Ginger Man selling beers they think are terrible. 
11:14 – Ace Frehley joins the group sans Kiss makeup. I’m not a huge kiss fan, but it is apparent from second number one that he is an actual bad ass and the weenie lead guitarist of Pearl Jam is a dork. You got shredded!
11:21 – I now understand why they issue a curfew. They want to make sure Pearl Jam will stop eventually.
11:28 – The end of the show…we’ll, there’s always an encore. Or two. Fuck it, Pearl Jam seems like the type of band that would do encores until they’re playing the next night’s show.
11:41 – The first encore is over and some of the band members have left the stage. The other members aren’t even pretending the show’s over. Aren’t encores supposed to be because the audience really wants one more…not just an excuse to pilfer a cheer from the audience?
11:52 – The second encore is over and the band actually leaves the stage. Presumably so Eddie can put more Ensure in his wine bottle.
12:02 – The show is over. The band wraps their arms around each other and lines up as if they just completed a high school play. They bow. They fucking bow. I hate to sound like a broken record, but rock stars don’t bow. Rock stars smash their equipment, flip off the crowd and funnel a beer into their ass before the house lights come on.
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After having a day or two to reflect on my experience I can say a few positive things about the show. Most notably, the fans were rabid. They all walked away invigorated and pleased. Not many musicians, movies, books, etc. can consistently excite their fans the same way. Almost everyone at that show shook and banged things the same way my brother and I did when we heard Nirvana. It’s tough to fault someone for feeling passionate and loving something that encourages them to just let go.
However, it’s NOT tough to fault someone who has to stand in line for an hour after the show just to pick up the stupid poster they bought.
