Monthly Archives: November 2008

The HUNT for Answers: Maintain a Jobless Lifestyle

Posted on by patrickhmorris
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hunt32Dear Hunter,

I hate my job. Sometimes, I really can’t stand it. I feel like I only have this stupid job to maintain my modest lifestyle. I know people tell me that if I “did what I loved” for a living, I’d be happy, but how can that be? I hate taking orders, working on deadlines and dealing with arbitrary consequences. Is there a way for me to quit my job and not have to lower my living standards?

No 9 to 5

Dear No 9 to 5,

You may be destined to work a job you don’t like where you’re underpaid, underappreciated and constantly looking up the symptoms of Carpel Tunnel Syndrome for the rest of your life. It’s a very hard process to escape from, but I encourage you to try.

To break free of a Work-Make Money-Buy Things To Fit In lifestyle you’re going to have to make some changes. The first thing you’ll need to do is lower your living standards. This doesn’t mean start living like a homeless person who eats things they find on the ground. It means bang for your buck at the cost of variety and possibly quality. A day old bagel for breakfast/lunch and Chinese food for ever dinner might not sound majestic, but it keeps over a billion people alive so it’s good enough for you. While there are cheaper ways to eat, this is the easiest and least depressing (imagine yourself making an olive sandwich with one piece of bread. Now imagine you find a can of moldy black beans. You’re thinking about how the beans on the bottom are still good, huh? Gross).

Even the cheapest of meals require money so find odd jobs you can do for your friends. If you feel a bit pathetic asking your friends to pay you to clean their apartment, good. Ham that shit up. The more pathetic you are, the more they will feel like paying you to do something you don’t do very well. No matter who your friends are, they know that spending $10 to let someone clean their apartment badly isn’t as good as spending $40 to have someone clean their apartment well. If they don’t want to pay you to clean their apartment, clean it anyway. Let’s see them refuse to give you $10 after you’ve cleaned their place.

$10 a day still isn’t enough to cut the mustard. For everything else, you’re going to have to prove your commitment to a jobless lifestyle. Of course, I’m talking about theft. Stealing is an integral part to your plan. Not only is it a good way to get things you cannot afford, but it will fill your day with entertainment. I’m not talking about going down to Duane Reade and shoving a bag of Fritos down your pants and running out the door. I’m talking about a perfectly coordinated scheme which results in you eating the sweetest bag of Fritos you’ve ever had.

If you’re truly committed to this no work lifestyle then it won’t matter if you get caught. If you’re still on the fence and want the option to return to the button factory, then remember this line for your next interview: “Yes, I was arrested…because I was starving.” Suddenly seems like not so big a deal, huh?

While theft can occupy most of your time, you’re going to need some pointless projects to fill the gaps. For instance, read all of Wikipedia, see if you can sleep for 24 straight hours, make your own Snickers bars, whatever. Just make sure you fill enough time to keep yourself from trying to find meaning in your life.

While you’re keeping yourself busy, find some activities aimed at keeping your weight constant. Now, I don’t care what you weigh, but you don’t want people to think your new direction in life is a bad decision. Nothing says, “Too poor to eat” like sudden weight loss and nothing says, “Wasting my time” more than sudden weight gain after you’ve stopped working. Just keep it consistent and you’ll be fine.

Another way to make your friends jealous of your new lifestyle is to completely reverse your schedule. People always want what they can’t have so if you’re sending drunk text messages at 4:00 a.m. and sleeping at 5:00 p.m. people will naturally get jealous. What? You’re eating a Sesame Chicken for breakfast? That’s awesome!

Remember this one key detail – you aren’t lowering your standard of living…you’re improving your life. Sometimes it’s hard to remember this when you watch friends buy a round of drinks or move into nice apartments. However, what you have can be so much better than any stupid electronic money can buy. You are free. You are a human, not a robot. Now flaunt it!

Bunches of Love,

Hunter Morris

The HUNT for Answers: All-In-One Phones

Posted on by patrickhmorris
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picture1Dear Hunter,

I am too confused about the many all-in-one devices out there. While I’m intrigued by the fancy touch screen, I think my main focus is having internet at any moment. But this has existed for a while so is it even worth it to get into it now when touch screen is still so new? The iPhone vs Blackberry Storm, the Glyde vs the Dare. Too many factors to consider, and will any of these gadgets really make my life easier?

Need-It-Now

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Dear Need-It-Now,

All of these impressive devices are tools of what I call the Gimmie Gimmie generation. Basically, anything that is good should be made gooder by being immediately obtainable.

The other day I saw an ad for a movie that doesn’t come out till the summer of 2009 and I almost threw up all over myself. I didn’t think anticipation was still an emotion I could feel. I literally spent the next three hours trying to find a way to download the movie, convinced I would have a hard time breathing if I didn’t see the movie by the end of the day.

Most people think these devices are good because they can alleviate specific feelings – mainly, stress, boredom and anxiety. We picture ourselves on the train and think, “How great would it be to play a video game right now?” We picture ourselves walking down the street and think, “If only I could check my email, I’d feel so much better.”

Funny, but immediate contact doesn’t actually alleviate any of these issues – it enhances them all. Now every second on the subway where you’re not distracted feels like an eternity. Every second you aren’t actively looking at your inbox is a moment that the most important email (one like you’ve never received!!!) could pop in.

So basically, you don’t NEED an internet-at-your-finger-tips device. Personally, I’d rather have a phone that shut off randomly and didn’t receive incoming calls, but if you WANT an all-in-one phone, then this is what I think.

Now, when deciding which model you really should get, let’s be honest and talk about reverse decision convincing. You’ve already made up your mind which one you think looks the coolest, will impress your friends and which one you want to be the “blank” in a “I need to recharge my “blank” soon” said out loud statement. If it’s an iPhone, fine. Blackberry, whatever. Just be honest with yourself and don’t pull this whole, “I wouldn’t buy an iPhone because it doesn’t cut and paste,” crap.

Once you’ve made your decision, it’s time to work backwards. There are two main factors you need to address in order to back into a decision: Price & Compatibility.

Price is simple – the more expensive ones are usually the better ones. The good news is none of these phones are an entire pay scale above the other. If you can buy something without your friends assuming you have a secret trust fund and they now expect you to buy them beer, price shouldn’t be the main factor.

Compatibility works on several levels, but can be boiled down to this: Is any part of your life affirmed by owning this product?

If you don’t have to switch cell phone carriers…check.
If you want an iPhone and you consider yourself a hip-no-tech-nerd…check.
If you want a Blackberry and picture yourself saying the phrase, “Bo-yah!”…check.
If you have bad credit and want whatever Sprint is selling…check.
If you have monstrously fat thumbs and need the Google phone cause it has keys the size of scrabble pieces…check.

The final factor is the I Told You So Test. Imagine what every one of your friends will tell you when it breaks, gets stolen or doesn’t work the way you were hoping. If none of their comments will really kill you (“I told you to wait for the new iPhone Squishy!”), then you’ve found the phone for you.

All in all, trust your decision and recognize it as entertainment, greed and impatience. It’s not going to make your life any easier.

Oh and don’t buy anything from T-mobile. Those guys are dicks. Just go buy an iPhone. It’s like the Angelina Jolie sex scene of phones – flawed, but pretty damn cool.

Bunches of Love,

Hunter Morris