Dear Hunter,

I was at my nephew’s birthday party last week. He just turned six. I don’t have much experience around kids and because of this, I wasn’t too careful with my language. I let a swear slip out and now he can’t stop saying it. His parents are pissed at me because they think I’ve completely corrupted their kid. What should I have done to handle the situation better? Should I go back and talk to my nephew or let his parents deal with it?

Potty Mouth

Dear Potty Mouth,

I don’t see what the problem is. Honestly, are his parents stupid enough to think they were going to get their child into adulthood without him learning what swear words were?

The truth of the matter is that kids instinctually love swears. It’s not because they’re taboo and it’s not because they are new (try saying the word “shibbles” around them and then acting as if you did something wrong…they won’t bite). Children are born with three truths:
1) Candy is awesome
2) Anything can be turned into a toy gun
3) Certain words are cooler than others…they just have to figure out what they are.

Apologizing to his parents would be like calling 911 to report the meter had run out on your parking space – just let it be. The kid will be fine. Feel free to go down to the local penitentiary and see if there are any people in there because they heard a relative mutter the word shit when they were too young to know that yanking on their wiener wasn’t fun for everyone.

Your real task is to try and become memorable to your nephew. Chances are, that in the grand scheme of life, your nephew cares very little for you and will continue to do so throughout his life. The only way to create on impact on them is to pull them in, let them know early that you’re going to treat them in a way that is a hybrid between their friends and their parents. Teach them to use odd combinations of tenses and swears to make his friends laugh. Go ahead, just try to be unpopular when you’re telling kids that, “cafeteria food tastes like shitted farts,” or “Mrs. Jensen did a fuck all over your homework.”

The most important thing to remember is be honest with your nephew. Swears are exactly like candy – when used correctly, there’s nothing better, but relying on them exclusively makes you trailer trash. The goal is to emphasize their language, not to fill the gaps. If you need help figuring out what a useful swear is, rent Spaceballs. Every swear in that movie is perfect and shoots the comedy level up two notches. Can you imagine laughing at the line, “Keep firing, you guys!”?? NO! The line, “Keep Firing, Assholes!” is made funny, not vulgar, by the swear. That’s what you should be pressing your nephew to work towards.

Bunches of Love,

Hunter Morris