Back in the early part of the 21st century, the baseball was dead. By dead I mean soft (those of you who pictured a guy throwing a dead, balled up hamster that gets hit with a sharp “thwrap!” from the bat should be ashamed of themselves). The ball was so dead (remember, not ‘without life’, dead means soft) that many baseball stadiums didn’t even have fences. Why would they? No one could hit it OVER a fence in the outfield. Instead, they let fans sit right on the outfield grass. While to some this sounds like a more quaint and civilized form of the game, it was categorically dull – like cricket. The commissioner at the time was willing to try anything to increase the excitement and draw in the fans. Here are some of the less successful, but highly innovative ideas tried.
Smoke Em If You Gottem
The Chicago Brandypants tried encouraging aggressive base running by setting each of the bases on fire. Stopping at first base not only proved you were a wimp, but it proved you were flammable too.
Knock Em Dead
The St. Louis Cockles had a pitcher who could throw an unheard of 68 miles per hour. Batters were so scared they would often walk to the plate wearing catchers equipment. The faceguard, the chest protector and even the shin guards helped protect the batter, but since no one wore helmets back them – the brain was vulnerable.
The commission declared that if the pitcher from St. Louis was able to hit an opposing player in the head, St. Louis would receive a run. If the player was knocked out cold – 2 runs. If the player had irreparable brain damage – 2 runs and a fizz.
Trombone Me Hard
Back in those days, people loved their big bands. So much so that most teams employed a few musicians to interpret the game for fans who weren’t attuned to the rules. A trombone would give a long sliding “Brrrrraaaaaaaappppp” as the pitch came in, cymbals would crash as the player would swing and a trumpet would rapidly sling notes as the player ran around the bases. Most fans loved it. The players, however…well, let’s just say that the promotion was canceled after 23 musicians were mysteriously beaten to death in front of their children.
Which Way is First
Today, people go to baseball games ready to shell out close to $10 per beer because the only thing better than watching a baseball game is watching a baseball game drunk. However, during prohibition, this wasn’t possible.
The manager for the Kansas City Shoe Shiners had an idea. He smuggled in a couple quarts of moonshine and got his team horrifically drunk. He had hoped the resulting game would be entertaining, but it just made the crowd jealous. The only crowd pleaser was when Lefty Scrotes Johnson urinated on himself as he ran the bases backwards.
Argue With Your Wife Day
What happens when you let the players’ wives tag along when out in the field and in the batters box? Well, the Toledo Mudfuckers found out – lots of nagging. What was supposed to be a display of cooperation and equalitarianism turned into the worst case of public domestic violence ever not talked about again. After being told he “Threw like a German,” Spitz McDoo pummeled his wife with the umpire and the game had to be called.
Bombs AWAY
After World War I there were a lot less baseball players, but a whole lot more hand grenades. Seeing an opportunity, the owner of the Oakland Telegraphers bought the surplus grenades from the US Army and introduced the first “Money Ball.” One out of every 15 pitches had to be with a grenade instead of a baseball. No one except the pitcher knew when the switch was going to be made. Even though the promotion made catchers more vulnerable than the drummers for Spinal Tap, it did change the game forever. Hitters were no longer content slapping a ground ball up the middle. Every swing was an attempt to slug one deep into the outfield – where the fans sat.
