Monthly Archives: February 2009

Tracy McGrady to be Traded for Life?

Posted on by patrickhmorris
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Oft injured superstar Tracy McGrady has been involved in numerous trade rumors as the NBA’s trade deadline approaches. The Houston Rockets have never been past the first round of the playoffs since McGrady came aboard and some within the organization believe it’s time to go in a new direction.

Unfortunately, what the Houston Rockets have been offered in return for McGrady hasn’t satisfied their one real request – that the team that trades for Tracy McGrady kills him.

Daryl Morey, first year General Manager of the Rockets, had this to say about their strong request:

“We know we’re not going to get 80 cents on the dollar in a trade for Tracy. We’d be lucky to get 20 cents on the dollar at this point. We believe that our team needs a fresh start, but it’s always difficult when you have to let go of a superstar of Tracy’s caliber.”

Morey went on to say that the trade is less about improving their club as much as weakening others. “We’d look pretty stupid if we ran into the team we traded Tracy to in the playoffs, wouldn’t we? He’d probably stop being such a cry-baby pussy and would play up to his potential. Not only does this trade give us the chance to come together as a team, but it’s gonna wreck havoc on another teams’ psyche.”

Several teams have agreed in part to the Rockets’ demands, but no one has been able to swallow the 2nd round draft pick and methods of acceptable murder as laid out by the Rockets.

“We would love to kill Tracy, more than most people,” said Toronto Raptor’s GM, Bryan Colangelo. “He started his career as a Raptor and we think he should end his career as a Raptor, but we’re not sure how we feel about making our nets out of his skin.”

Skinning Tracy is just one of the many options on the Methods of Acceptable Murder list that, according to sources close to the Rockets’ front office, has been in the works for many years.

Some of the more notable methods are strangulation, being locked in a room with a child who has pneumonia, removing each of his teeth and shooting them back into his face with a specially designed gun and being buried alive at center court in a specially designed, see-thru flooring.

Even though several teams are in deep negotiations with the Rockets, McGrady remains optimistic. “This game is a business. I don’t care where they trade me. I’ll still be getting paid, right?”

When one reporter explained to him the concept of death and how it can interfere with cashing checks, McGrady just pointed to the sky and said, “Fuck you, GOD!”

Update: As of 8:15 p.m. the night before the trade deadline, the Denver Nuggets have reached a preliminary agreement to trade their 2nd round draft pick, a diseased blanket and chachkas to the Rockets and will execute McGrady by choking him with Bill Walton’s dick. Pending physicals.

Unasked Questions about the Digital Conversion

Posted on by patrickhmorris
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Today was supposed to be the day. We’d been warned for months by infomercials, headline banners running across the screen and campy commercials where our local weather man asked us if we were ready for the conversion to digital TV.

Being the mindless sheep that we are, we watched these commercials, hoped our TV could handle the conversion and debated the virtues of cable, but we never asked a few simple questions. Sure, the date to switch over to a digital signal got pushed back to June, but that doesn’t mean that people are going to explain the process any more succinctly, so let me ask my questions here…

- Will getting digital TV make me able to make fun of my friends who are spending $50 a month on cable? Will the reception be as good? Will I be able to go over to their house and say, “Yeah, cable is totally worth it cause you can watch the Oxygen network whenever you want.”

- When will I be able to talk about the rabbit ear antenna as, “back in my day”? I’m hoping the answer to this question is, “for the past twenty years,” cause that’s how long I’ve been doing it.

- Will I still not get CBS, but will get seven channels in Spanish? Is there a way to let the TV companies know that I’m not Spanish or is this punishment for being too cheap to get cable?

- Should I feel bad that all of the ads for the digital conversion are geared towards old people and I still have no idea how to hook this stupid thing up?

- What will happen if I don’t have a TV? Will it be like that time when I told people I didn’t watch TV, but watched 5 episodes of Iron Chef on Youtube every night?

- Will they have a “worst show in analog history” award? Can I nominate anything with Michael Rappaport in it?

- What will happen if I plug my converter into my microwave?

- What will happen if I turn on my electric shaver and then put it in the microwave?

- Are suspenders coming back?

- The Fonze was one of the coolest names ever, but is Winkler the dorkiest name ever? It’s seriously only rivaled by Vanilla Ice being Rob Van Winkle.

- Is a digital converter box a romantic Valentine’s day gift? Should I apologize to my girlfriend?

- Isn’t a TV commercial showing you how to set up your digital converter box incredibly counter intuitive since no one is going to set up their box until there isn’t an analog signal and they can’t see your stupid commercial!

A-ROD: A Time Line

Posted on by patrickhmorris
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I don’t dislike A-Rod for having used Steroids. I dislike A-Rod for being A-Rod. I recently compiled a few of his life/career highlights and put them on a time line to give you some context. Here they are:

1986: Wanting people to like him, he claimed that he was on the Challenger when it blew up.

1992: Leads his varsity team with 23 home runs and zero friends.

1996: Makes big league debut for the Seattle Mariners. When asked what a Mariner was, he said, “something you put on chicken to make it taste good.”

1999: Is sick of all the attention Ken Griffey Jr. is getting so he briefly changes his name to Alex Rodriguez Ken Griffy Smells Like Farts I’m So Much Better Jr.

2001: Signed with the Texas Rangers because they are the only team that promises to pay him $252 million dollars and put his face on the Texas Dollar bill if they decide to separate from the US.

2001: Wanted to do steroids because he wanted more people to see his bare ass.

2001: Had unusual clause in his contract where he got $50 for every time a teammate slapped him five and didn’t roll their eyes immediately after. He makes $200 in the first two years of his contract.

2004: Asked to be traded to the Red Sox because they were the preeminent organization in baseball.

2004: Asked to be traded to the Yankees because they were the preeminent organization in baseball.

2004: Meets Derek Jeter and quickly gets on his bad side when he asks him what are the “Cool” date rape drugs in NYC.

2005: Goes 1-28 in his first two playoff series and decides he likes all the media attention he’s getting and intentionally goes 0-4 in his next game.

2007: Opts out of the remaining portion of his contract to sign even bigger contract with the Yankees. When asked what he plans to do with all that extra money, he says, “I’ve always wanted to own an Island. Does anyone know if Africa is for sale?”

2007: Has meeting with agent, Scott Boras, about how to handle his upcoming interview with Katie Couric. They decide on a strategy that could never backfire.

2007: Denies using Steroids to Katie Curic.

2008: After calling up Huey Lewis to brag about bagging Madonna, announces he’s going to join Styx on their next tour. When asked what year it is, A-Rod rolls up the sleeves on his jacket and says, “Why don’t you ask old Ronnie in the white house what year it is. Pass me a tab, I gotta work out on my PogoBall.”

2009: It’s revealed A-Rod has been using steroids. He calls his agent for advice and is told to insert his cordless phone up his own ass.

2009: Reporters call A-Rod, but the only comment they can get is an airy gurgling sound covering the sound of a thousand hamsters screams.

2009: A-Rod apologizes for having been caught doing steroids. When asked what he was most sorry for, he says that he wishes more people could have seen his ass.

The TRUE Origin of Valentine’s Day

Posted on by patrickhmorris
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Back before time was kept, the gods ruled. The collection of gods lived high in the mountains, completely separated from the people. They lived without care of strife and the dismal lives befallen on mortals. The people lived in filth, squalor and mud, while the gods lived in luxury, sophistication and pristine beauty. They lived with gold castles, diamond roads and lakes of wine. This is the way it had always been.

One person who didn’t accept this was a man named Edgar Valentini. He was a simple man who had spent his entire life living unexceptionally. He’d never accomplished anything and began to grow bitter by the god’s luxuries.

One day, as he poured himself a bowl of brown sluddgy gruel, Edgar decided enough was enough. What was the god’s was rightfully for all. He decided that he would devote his life to this task. He packed a small bag with random objects, not knowing what he might find useful, and headed for the mountains where the god’s dwelled.

When he arrived, he was taken aback by the beauty and bountiful luxury that surrounded him. He was forced to shield his eyes from the light shinning off of the rubies as tall as several houses.

As Edgar walked in the mountains, he came across the great lake of wine called Lake Vino (the gods were immortal, but creative they were not).

Protecting the great lake was a large dam created by Patratacus – the ancient god of damming. His giant dam kept the lake of wine locked from releasing out into the valley and he protected it night and day. It was here that Edgar decided on his plan. Edgar approached Patratacus and sat at a rock facing out into the giant lake.

“Would you look at that,” he said to himself.

Patratacus had never seen a human before and didn’t know what to think about this small, dirty man. “I stare deep into this lake every day,” he said. “It has lost it’s glamour to me.”

“I bet you drink this stuff by the barrel full every day,” said Edgar.

“Me?” asked Patratacus. “Why I would never. It is forbidden.”

“You’re telling me that you’re out here every day, all alone and you’ve never once taken a small sip?”

“No.”

Edgar shook his head. “You don’t know what you’re missing. This stuff is delicious.”

Patratacus looked out into the lake. “Delicious? I was told it tasted of rancid bile.”

“No, no, no, they’re putting you on,” said Edgar. “Here, use my hat. Take a little sip for yourself. There’s plenty. No one will ever notice.”

Patratacus looked puzzled. He wondered why he’d been lied to and if this small, smelly man was in fact telling the truth. He decided the only way to find out for sure was to try some. He took Edgar’s hat, dipped it into the lake and took a sip. Instantly, he felt his taste buds tingle. He felt a warm sensation pull its way down his throat and deep into his stomach. It was wonderful. He quickly dipped the hat back in to get a bigger sip.

“See. That’s the ticket!” said Edgar.

With each sip, Patratacus felt better and better. He felt warm, alive and effusive towards all living things. Whatever this was, he thought, it was a part of him forever.

He was so enamored with it, that he failed to see Edgar sneak off to the base of his great dam. With the coiled spike that he’d arbitrarily packed into his satchel, Edgar penetrated the dam and unleashed a powerful stream that flowed down the mountain. Patratacus rushed to save the damn, but found walking difficult and decided to lay down and call his ex-girlfriends.

The mortals down in the valley heard a great rumble and looked out their muddy coups to see a great river of wine flow down the mountain. The people were elated and drank straight from the river with great joy.

Edgar raced down the mountain to share in his people’s elation.

The world was happy that day and for the rest of time people celebrated what they thought was a gift from the gods. For hundreds of years people celebrated VinoDay on February 14th, without a second thought towards the man who made it possible. In the late middle-ages, archaeologists found stone tablets that were determined to be Edgar Valentini’s personal diary. It was here that people discovered the true force behind the river of wine from the gods and VinoDay quickly turned into Valentine’s Day – the celebration of one man’s quest to be exceptional and share the glorious gift of wine with his fellow man.

Until, however, the roman leader Hallmarkious seized the holiday and changed its meaning to be about romantic love in order to sell more of his greeting tablets.