I don’t dislike A-Rod for having used Steroids. I dislike A-Rod for being A-Rod. I recently compiled a few of his life/career highlights and put them on a time line to give you some context. Here they are:
1986: Wanting people to like him, he claimed that he was on the Challenger when it blew up.
1992: Leads his varsity team with 23 home runs and zero friends.
1996: Makes big league debut for the Seattle Mariners. When asked what a Mariner was, he said, “something you put on chicken to make it taste good.”
1999: Is sick of all the attention Ken Griffey Jr. is getting so he briefly changes his name to Alex Rodriguez Ken Griffy Smells Like Farts I’m So Much Better Jr.
2001: Signed with the Texas Rangers because they are the only team that promises to pay him $252 million dollars and put his face on the Texas Dollar bill if they decide to separate from the US.
2001: Wanted to do steroids because he wanted more people to see his bare ass.
2001: Had unusual clause in his contract where he got $50 for every time a teammate slapped him five and didn’t roll their eyes immediately after. He makes $200 in the first two years of his contract.
2004: Asked to be traded to the Red Sox because they were the preeminent organization in baseball.
2004: Asked to be traded to the Yankees because they were the preeminent organization in baseball.
2004: Meets Derek Jeter and quickly gets on his bad side when he asks him what are the “Cool” date rape drugs in NYC.
2005: Goes 1-28 in his first two playoff series and decides he likes all the media attention he’s getting and intentionally goes 0-4 in his next game.
2007: Opts out of the remaining portion of his contract to sign even bigger contract with the Yankees. When asked what he plans to do with all that extra money, he says, “I’ve always wanted to own an Island. Does anyone know if Africa is for sale?”
2007: Has meeting with agent, Scott Boras, about how to handle his upcoming interview with Katie Couric. They decide on a strategy that could never backfire.
2007: Denies using Steroids to Katie Curic.
2008: After calling up Huey Lewis to brag about bagging Madonna, announces he’s going to join Styx on their next tour. When asked what year it is, A-Rod rolls up the sleeves on his jacket and says, “Why don’t you ask old Ronnie in the white house what year it is. Pass me a tab, I gotta work out on my PogoBall.”
2009: It’s revealed A-Rod has been using steroids. He calls his agent for advice and is told to insert his cordless phone up his own ass.
2009: Reporters call A-Rod, but the only comment they can get is an airy gurgling sound covering the sound of a thousand hamsters screams.
2009: A-Rod apologizes for having been caught doing steroids. When asked what he was most sorry for, he says that he wishes more people could have seen his ass.
