Oft injured superstar Tracy McGrady has been involved in numerous trade rumors as the NBA’s trade deadline approaches. The Houston Rockets have never been past the first round of the playoffs since McGrady came aboard and some within the organization believe it’s time to go in a new direction.
Unfortunately, what the Houston Rockets have been offered in return for McGrady hasn’t satisfied their one real request – that the team that trades for Tracy McGrady kills him.
Daryl Morey, first year General Manager of the Rockets, had this to say about their strong request:
“We know we’re not going to get 80 cents on the dollar in a trade for Tracy. We’d be lucky to get 20 cents on the dollar at this point. We believe that our team needs a fresh start, but it’s always difficult when you have to let go of a superstar of Tracy’s caliber.”
Morey went on to say that the trade is less about improving their club as much as weakening others. “We’d look pretty stupid if we ran into the team we traded Tracy to in the playoffs, wouldn’t we? He’d probably stop being such a cry-baby pussy and would play up to his potential. Not only does this trade give us the chance to come together as a team, but it’s gonna wreck havoc on another teams’ psyche.”
Several teams have agreed in part to the Rockets’ demands, but no one has been able to swallow the 2nd round draft pick and methods of acceptable murder as laid out by the Rockets.
“We would love to kill Tracy, more than most people,” said Toronto Raptor’s GM, Bryan Colangelo. “He started his career as a Raptor and we think he should end his career as a Raptor, but we’re not sure how we feel about making our nets out of his skin.”
Skinning Tracy is just one of the many options on the Methods of Acceptable Murder list that, according to sources close to the Rockets’ front office, has been in the works for many years.
Some of the more notable methods are strangulation, being locked in a room with a child who has pneumonia, removing each of his teeth and shooting them back into his face with a specially designed gun and being buried alive at center court in a specially designed, see-thru flooring.
Even though several teams are in deep negotiations with the Rockets, McGrady remains optimistic. “This game is a business. I don’t care where they trade me. I’ll still be getting paid, right?”
When one reporter explained to him the concept of death and how it can interfere with cashing checks, McGrady just pointed to the sky and said, “Fuck you, GOD!”
Update: As of 8:15 p.m. the night before the trade deadline, the Denver Nuggets have reached a preliminary agreement to trade their 2nd round draft pick, a diseased blanket and chachkas to the Rockets and will execute McGrady by choking him with Bill Walton’s dick. Pending physicals.
