Twitter has gone too far. It’s officially the first advance in technology that has left me scratching my head and mumbling things like, “I just don’t understand,” and “are they making fun of me?”

IM – got it, email isn’t immediate enough.
Facebook – sure, we all like sharing pictures with people we vaguely remember from middle school. However, nothing about Twitter made sense to me. Could it really be people posting any and all random thoughts to their “followers”? Could it really be that simple? I decided to do some research (on the internet – cause I’m not totally clueless) and decided to compile some information to help those who aren’t Twits (someone who uses Twitter).

I’ve also decided to send Tweets (the messages sent on Twitter) while I write this so everyone can get the big picture.

What is it?

- Twitter is a way to look at people’s lives 160 characters at a time. You can post up-to-the-second updates on your life so those that follow you never have to wonder what you’re up to.

Patrick doesn’t know if it’s actually 160 characters you’re allowed to type, but he’s too lazy to do research on an article he’s posting on a blog his mother won’t even read.

Why would I join this thing?

- Don’t you want to know what others are up to at every moment of their life? Imagine how difficult it would be if you didn’t know that Paul was thinking about getting new chairs for his kitchen table.

Patrick has to use the restroom and doesn’t know what’s gonna happen.

How is this different then email or IM?

- Email and IM are personal and can only be seen by the person you are sending it to. Twitter, however, can be seen by everyone and it’s a one way conversation. None of this he said, she said bull shit. Now you can tell people what’s on your mind without ever having to deal with the annoyance of hearing what’s on their mind.

Patrick just used a handful of cotton balls for toilet paper. He wishes he had counted how many were in his hand before cause he doesn’t think he got em all! LOL!!

Can you post pictures?

- Nope. Pictures aren’t cool anymore. Seriously, how stupid are you? They are oooohhhh-vvvaaahh facebook style. If Facebook were a camera, then Twitter is a camera that doesn’t take pictures and makes toast.

Patrick wants to know what his elbow thinks about this article. Well, what do you think, elbow? Rdvdrvrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrvgtvgggggggggggvrrrrdfcefrcvgtfrdcvgbtgtfrdecfvg.

Is the point to follow people or to be followed?

- Following other people and having access to the thoughts that no one has deemed important to be shared until now may appear to be the point, but really, it’s to be followed. Twitter is basically like your ego pulling off its pants and yelling, “Who wants a little o’ dis!!”

Patrick wants to open a mashed potato bar where you throw in sprinkles, hot fudge and gummies. It would be like Coldstone, but with mashed taters and a third of the singing/customers.

How often should I tweet?

- Well, let’s put it this way – if you were to talk to a friend of yours and found out they overcooked their broccoli the other day and they DIDN’T share that on Twitter, wouldn’t you feel cheated? I would.

Patrick just started crying cause he realized he’s making fun of people for feeling self-important through an article for his blog. He also opened a letter he wrote to himself 5 years ago called, “Where Will I Be in 5 Years,” and it said, “Tweeting.”

Am I pathetic if I love Twitter?

- Not anymore than the guy who sets up his stuffed animals and tells them how his day went.

Patrick once had a stuffed panda called Panda Pole and a boxer named Bruce. If he had a stuffed animal now it would be a Koala bear named, “Glory Hole.”

What does Twitter stand for?

- Time Wasting Introverted Tracking Technology for Emotional Retards.

Patrick has a retarded uncle and feels comfortable saying the words retard and Mongoloid.

I like staying ahead of the game. What’s next?

- Well, I have two theories on this one. The first is a site which I’ve dreamed up called www.watchmenow.com. Basically we all get wireless webcams to wear as necklaces and you tap into your friend’s every day life whenever you want. You’d be able to see them working, watch them walk to the subway, see who they’re hanging out with…it would be a blast! The other idea is that a terrible SciFi movie comes out with the premise of a world that has advanced to the point where we are immediately imprinted with a chip that will publish all solidified thoughts onto the Internet at birth (in the movie, it will be called “The Thought Screen”). The main character (Toby McGuire or one of Obama’s daughters) will have to figure out a way to trick the “mind cops” and rid themselves of this chip so they can live a life where their internal thoughts aren’t published to the world.

Patrick googled “ways to hide a dead body” just to see what would come up. He took notes as a goof and is going to the hardware store to buy lime just to be ironic.

I hope this was able to introduce many of the non-believers to the world of Twitter and that you’re a little more open to the complete transparency and inflated sense of importance that is rolling out of control. Catch you on the Tweet Side!!

Patrick just high fived himself.