There’s nothing in North Dakota. I was 13 years old when I first experienced the stale bread quality of the state North Dakotaoins refer to as, “the exciting Dakota.” Being 13, I couldn’t look at a strobe light without complaining about needing more stimulation. North Dakota felt like a punishment of the most severe kind. We were just driving through, but I prayed for a tornado or something to make the trip more exciting. Anything.

As we started getting close to our stopping point of the day, my mother pointed out that if we picked up the pace a bit, we might be able to make the Happy Hour at the hotel. Before I could say, “What’s Happy Hour,” I was flung back against my seat by the sudden acceleration of the car.

Whatever Happy Hour was, my father was eager to get there. So eager that he didn’t notice the State Trooper perched on the service road. We were pulled over and when the police officer asked, “What’s the big rush,” my father said, “We’re trying to make a happy hour. We’ve been driving all day.”

The cop looked puzzled, but after glancing at our Vermont license plates said, “Well, I appreciate you folks not drinking till the end of the trip. Be safe,” and let us go.

I couldn’t wait for Happy Hour. Whatever it was, it made my father and the police disregard the law. Imagine my surprise when I found out Happy Hour wasn’t as much happy as it was $1 of alcoholic drinks at a sleazy hotel bar.

My parents seemed completely satisfied as they sipped their drinks and clinked their glasses together. I didn’t understand it then, but I do now – it’s hard to find a good Happy Hour.

Happy Hour seems like a pretty simple concept, right? Make people happy by feeding them discounted booze when they’re done with their boring and borderline abusive jobs. That’s it. Throw those things together and you’ve got a Happy Hour, right? Wrong like King Kong.

There are more variations of Happy Hour then there are shitty flavors at Baskin Robbins. Some discount beer, some wine, some are ½ priced drinks, some are 2 for one, some are $1 off and almost none are only 1 hour long. Unfortunately, for the most part, each is also a let down.

Granted, I’m spoiled and have a belief that bars should be giving me 50 oz mugs of my favorite beers for a $1 just because. No Happy Hour could truly be perfect for me (unless someone knows about said 50 oz beer for a buck). However, even though I know my wants can’t match an economically viable business plan, I have some do’s and don’ts for bars looking to design or redesign their Happy Hour.

—- Do —-

The “REALLY?!” Factor
If someone tells me about a Happy Hour deal and I don’t say, “Really?!” then it’s not good enough and they need to sweeten the deal.

Food
Food is a plus, not a reason to go to a bar. Free pizza with ever beer? Awesome, but if I order a Bud bottle and you start the price with a “Sss” and end with a “ixxx” I hate you.

Push the Hours
I completely understand every bar’s dream is to lure people in with a seductive Happy Hour and then keep the fish wet by drenching them with $11 well rum and cokes. If I had a bar, I’d probably do the same thing (along with charging people $20 if they use the bathroom more than twice). However, if I’m rushing to drink a beer so that I can order another one before the hour turns, I’m going to get drunk and call my girlfriend a retard when she asks if I’m drunk. Thanks, bar.

Separate the noise – the after work crowd is different than the late night crowd. Ideally I’d like a little natural light coming through the windows and a quiet atmosphere where I don’t have to scream in order for people to hear my awesome joke about Obama’s penis being shaped like an anvil. Keep it down, ya’ll.

Keep the Meat if you Rotate
Bars often think they can please everyone by making each day of the week a different drink special. Monday Martini’s, Tuesday 1/2 price domestics, etc. Sounds like a good plan, but trying to make everyone happy is a great way to make everyone hate you (just ask my graduating high school class). Keep what you’re best at as the staple and use your, “maybe Fendi bag wearing girls will become regulars at this Irish pub because we have Martini’s for under $4,” promotions as extra.

—- Don’ts —-

Less than a Buck Discount
Really? You’re going to give me quarters back? Don’t you know that quarters went out of style with the change machine at Laundromats? If there isn’t a pool table or Pacman, I don’t know why they’d have change at all.

Last Call, 7:00 p.m.
Originally, Happy Hour was supposed to be 5-6 p.m. While I should be happy that most places extended their deals an extra hour, how the hell do you think I’m going to get out of work, get to your bar and enjoy myself by 7:00? If I didn’t know that every bar owner in the world is nodding and saying, “exactly” I’d be more annoyed. If you’re a bar in Brooklyn with a 7 p.m. Happy Hour cut off, then you’ve never taken the F train.

All You Can Drink
Dear Mr. Glutton. Thank you for your consideration in implementing a scheme that encourages me to drink as heavily and as quickly as possible. I love your spirit. However, I’ve noticed that other people who are favorable to an all you can drink plan often act like prisoners trying to rape Jessica Rabbit. I don’t know how many times I’ve been standing wedged between some dick who thinks snapping and yelling, “YO!” to the bartender is appropriate and a girl who thinks that if she keeps pushing into me that I’ll spontaneously become some sort of liquid she can pass through, but it’s a miserable experience.
Sincerely, Tub of Bud.

I understand everyone who starts a Happy Hour, thinks they’re going to be the first to do it, “right.” Well, I’ll throw my hat into the ring and say that when I start my bar (tentatively called, “Fuck you Dad. I am a somebody!”) I will implement these revolutionary, outside the box, ideas.

—- Outside Da Box Ideas —-

Charge for Seats
You pay $5 to get a seat, but after that, all your drinks are ½ price. This will hopefully eliminate dicks with laptops (see picture) taking up a whole table while your group stands in a circle holding their coats.

Highest Bar Tab
Whoever has the highest running bar tab in the bar gets to control the remote for the TV and play whatever they want on the Juke Box. You’re telling me you wouldn’t be a little more friendly with your tech guy if you knew he might be able to contribute to you playing Lola ten times in a row at a bar?

Happy Hour Bathrooms
These bathrooms would be only used when drinks are discounted and they would be, in a word, upsetting. The only reason I think this is a great plan is that I like knowing why I’m getting a good deal. “Oh, I get it…they sold me this beer for $2 because they don’t hire people to clean their bathrooms. I’m ok with that.” Then when Happy Hour was over, you wouldn’t feel like a sucker for spending $5 for a beer that was $3 five minutes ago if it meant you didn’t have to tip toe into the can.

All You Can Commit To
Thursday’s would be all you can drink night, but once you come in, you’re not allowed to drink until you really can’t drink anymore. I don’t care if I have to stay up with you till 4:00 a.m. pouring handles of vodka into your throat, you’re leaving at the brink.

Until people start REALLY listening to me, Happy Hours will continue to be a moderately satisfying respite from the rest of the normal priced world. We should be thankful for it. Chances are it’s not worth risking your family’s life for by pushing your mini-van’s engine to the limit, but it will always be an oasis in either the middle of nowhere or the center of everything.