I have subscribed to the Ignore It And It Will Go Away School of Medicine for most of my life. When that hasn’t worked I’ve been known to dip into the Placebo School of Medicine. This involves crediting a specific substance, activity or form of lighting as the one sole cure for my ailment based on nothing more than a hunch or ease of use. I’ll sit down, close my eyes and ask my body what it needs to get better. “Chicken, you say?”

It’s ignorant, it’s lazy and it’s daft, but it works for me. Of course, not all physical ailments can be cured by adding chicken or a warm Guinness to your day. For instance, if I were to get shot in the stomach I’d like to think I would march my ass towards the nearest emergency room before trying to figure out the nearest place to get cheese puffs and root beer.

Recently I’ve been struck with a situation in between a sneeze and a bullet in the tummy – a nagging pain in my wrist. It’s painful enough for me to notice 2-5 times a day, but mild enough for me to think nothing more than, “There’s my wrist.” Some people have told me to rest it and the problem will go away. Some have insisted I go and get x-rays so that the doctor can tell me to rest it and the problem will go away.

The problem is I’m not using my wrist in any way that can be rested more. If reaching into my pockets, using my computer and opening doors are what’s keeping my wrist from healing, then I’m either going to have to live with this pain or wrap my entire arm in a tight fitting cast and do everything as if I were the drummer for Def Leopard.

Unless, there were a way to magically rid myself of this nagging pain that didn’t include doctors, chicken or homemade casts made of oven mits and duct tape…and that’s how I was introduced to acupuncture. I’ve been wanting to try acupuncture for a few years, but didn’t have a specific injury that I could point to and say, “This is why I’m here”. Now that I had something, I started doing my research. Apparently acupuncture isn’t only for pains in the wrist. Here is a general list of what acupuncturists can cure:

Addictions (alcohol, nicotine, and other drugs)
Allergies/Asthma
Anemia Anxiety/Depression
Back pain
Bladder/Kidney problems
Common colds/Flu Constipation/diarrhea
Fatigue
Gynelogical disorders (irregular menstruation, menopause, PMS)
High blood pressure
Infertility
Numbness/Poor circulation
Sexual dysfunction/ Impotence
Skin problems
Ulcers/indigestion
Spelling problems
Hat hair
Saying “like” too much
Chewing in a way that disgusts people
Under tipping
Staring at people who are attractive

Who knew that by shoving some needles in your body you can solve just about any kind of problem in the world!?

I called a few places to get a better understanding of pricing and procedure. Most places charge a fee between $100 – $150 and claim to be able to cure most conditions in 2-4 sessions. That means for $200 – $600 you can pretty much cure anything.

This brought up the big question – does acupuncture really work? If you ask someone who performs acupuncture they’ll undoubtedly say yes. However, I can’t help notice that it was impossible for me to come up with an ailment they said they couldn’t fix.

Think of an acupuncturist as a waiter at a diner. When I ask, “What’s good here?” I want them to guide me away from the stuff on the menu that the cooks snicker at when someone orders? When a waiter at a diner says, “Everything is good here,” they are basically saying, “Nothing is good here.” Trust me, mac n’ cheese isn’t good just cause it’s a dish that includes macaroni pasta and cheese. I would trust an acupuncturist more if they told me, “Look, I can get rid of your wrist pain, but all that stuff I said about high blood pressure was total shit.” Nothing is a cure-all and no diner has good hollandaise sauce.

If you ask someone who has had acupuncture performed on them, they also will sing its praise. That should be all the proof I need, right? Of course, there are three reasons someone would give a raving review:
1) Acupuncture really worked for them
2) It worked because of its placebo effect
3) It qualifies as a, “I paid too much for it to say I made a mistake,” situation

Option three scares me the most. It’s entirely possible that acupuncture falls in the same category as cars and weddings? When is the last time you saw someone pull up in a new car and go, “I can’t believe I bought this piece of junk. I made a horrible decision. The seats are uncomfortable, the gas mileage sucks and I could have gotten this car at another dealership for $4,000 less”?
How about getting married? I’m convinced people spend as much as they do on weddings to keep the bride or groom admitting they made a mistake and backing out at the last minute. I bet this conversation happens at every wedding:
“I just don’t love him, Mom”
“Your father and I spent a fortune on this day! You’d goddamn better love him!”
“But money shouldn’t be a reason to get married”
“Yes it is! Love is an $800 cake. Now put that dress on and stop crying!”

I was also a little worried about the possible placebo effect. During my research I found an article that claimed the therapeutic effects of acupuncture were brought on by simply getting stabbed with a sharp needle, not by their placement at all.

Great! As long as there is a DIY option, I’m going to take it. I spent the next few days looking around my apartment surveying the sharpest things I owned (which, in order, were nail clippers, fork, edge of counter).

Will acupuncture work for my wrist? Should I just have them stick a needle into every square inch of my body to “fix everything”? Part of me would like to think it’s as incredible as people claim it to be. I Hope acupuncture is more spiritual medicine than new age scam. I also Hope they can get the fork out of my wrist or else it’s going to get infected.