I’ve thought about it long and hard…I’m pretty sure this is what it would be like if I were a doctor.

I should start by apologizing. I’m rarely wearing this hat. The receptionist who greeted you when you came in has been having “home problems” and I’m wearing this to give her a laugh. I don’t know what it is about a doctor in a sombrero, but it makes people feel good.

Please don’t mention I said the receptionist was having “home problems.” I’m slightly embarrassed because I’m not sure if she means that she’s having problems with her house or her husband. In all honesty, I don’t even know if she has either and I’m too embarrassed to ask her.

Now, what seems to be the pro – I should also say that if the sombrero becomes a distraction in anyway, I will gladly take it off. Although, I can’t imagine my hair looks any less distracting. Hello, Mr. Hat Head!

Ok, so…what seems to be the problem?

Shit. I was hoping you were going to say it was something with your stomach. My favorite patients are the ones that come in complaining of stomach pains. They respond to plecebos incredibly well and most of the time, it’s just gas.

Now then, you have a hurt shoulder. Have you taken Advil? And it still hurts? Really? I’m not saying I don’t believe you, but I feel like a shoulder injury would feel completely better with the simple application of Advil through oral…taking.

Have you done any activities that could be attributed to this injury? If you’re having a hard time understanding me, it’s because I’m talking in doctor speak. I will switch to patient speak if you feel more comfortable. When did you bang up your top arm spot? Playing hockey? That makes sense. Hockey can be a very violent sport. My mother wouldn’t let me play hockey because I begged her not to let me.

So the first step to recovery is to give up hockey all together which shouldn’t be a problem since you’re not a professional. I’m assuming you’re not a professional for several reasons, but the biggest one is that I saw you pull into the parking lot and I doubt professional athletes drive Oldsmobiles.

I know I’m just your doctor and I’m not your life coach, but you’re not good enough to play hockey professionally and you’re not even good enough to play without getting hurt. Maybe it’s time we put up the skates and learn HTML or something?

Now, does it hurt when I do this? Yes? Ok, how about this? I should have known that would have hurt since it’s pretty much the exact thing I did before, but harder. Does it hurt if I touch your chest here? Just to let you know, I’m a breast man and am not checking for anything, I’m just touching your breasts. Just joking, I’m checking to see how your breasts feel. I guess I should use the technical term pectorals since most men don’t like being told they have breasts. Oh well, you’re a rough and tumble kind of guy, I’m sure you’re ok with someone cupping a jug and calling them breasts, right?

Have you taken any Advil? You have? And the pain hasn’t gone away? Hmmm…ok, we’ll have to do some more tests to figure out the severity of the injury. Can you please reach out and type some numbers on this calculator. Now, does any number hurt more or less than the others? All the same? Ok. Let’s try the other arm. I know you didn’t hurt your left arm, but you have to balance all tests with a…a…what do you call that? You know, when you’re doing an experiment and you leave one of the samples normal? I really should know this. I’d look it up in one of those books, but they’ve all been glued to the shelf. Don’t even ask why.

Would you describe the pain in your shoulder as a, “Hi” pain or a, “Hey” pain? I see…now, was the Advil taken orally? Were other methods of ingestion considered? How many tablets were in the original package? I find that larger quantity, family sized, packs are more potent. I think it has to do with Darwin and competitive advantage or something like that.

I’m sorry, I know I’ve asked you this, but…you’ve taken Advil already, right? Ok, I just want to make sure because 90% of all ailments I’m capable of treating can be cured by the application of Advil. Bet you’re wondering about the other 10%. Well, mind your own business. I didn’t pry into your personal life and ask how you hurt your stupid shoulder, did I? I’m so angry I could scream.

Just some doctor humor for you. Listen, I’ll be honest. I can either take an MRI which is actually me hovering my cell phone over you and going, “doo doo dee dee doooo” or you can schedule another appointment with my partner – not gay partner, medical partner, mind you – for some time later in the week.

I think you’ve made an excellent choice. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m too lazy to come up with anything else I’m going to do and would like to remain sitting for a few minutes. Have a great day. Keep that leg elevated.