It’s been a while since I gave anyone good advice. Still, I have friends who come to me asking me questions like, “Should you tip a plumber?” and “When should you tell your girlfriend to stop cheating on you?”

This past week, a single friend of mine prepared for a first date and asked a seemingly simple question: “How many drinks can you have on the first date?”

The more I thought about it, the more I realized this was a critical question without one specific answer. Therefore, I decided that instead of giving my friend ONE answer, I’d let him know what each additional drink was telling his date.

0 Drinks:
“I can’t be trusted. Chances are I’ve had to limit my consumption of alcohol to none because more than that can cause big problems. I shouldn’t be allowed near little children or be allowed to drive in the city.”

1 Drink:
“I own a pair of socks that I reserve for really ‘crazy occasions’. I considered wearing them tonight, but then got too nervous.”

2 Drinks:
“I enjoy seeing how exactly I can drive the speed limit. Passing a car for 6 minutes cause we’re going virtually the same speed excites me.”

3 Drinks:
“I will not drink milk if it’s past the date on the carton. However, I’m a strict proponent of the 15 second rule when it comes to food falling on the floor. What? 10 seconds? Really?”

4 Drinks:
“I think it’s really funny when waiters drop things and everyone claps.”

5 Drinks:
“I believe in gun control…buuuutttt…there’s nothing wrong with having a little fun with an assault rifle every once in a while.”

6 Drinks:
“When I see a dead animal on the side of the road, my first thought is, ‘I hope that wasn’t somebody’s pet.’ My second thought is, ‘Can you eat that thing?’”

7 Drinks:
“There are multiple spots in my apartment that will ALWAYS smell like urine.”

8 Drinks:
“You can spray Raid on your roommates pillow for about a month before they get sick.”

9 Drinks:
“There are legally 32 scenarios where killing someone is legal. I know, I’ve done my research.”

10+ Drinks:
“As soon as we ditch out on this bill, I’m going to show you this unmarked grave that holds special meaning for you…I mean me.”