Monthly Archives: September 2009

Movie Pitch

Posted on by patrickhmorris
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Hello, Gentleman. Have you guys tried this Pumpkin thing they are selling at Starbucks? It is freakin unbelievable. I know what you guys are thinking, “freakin? This guy must be the only guy in Hollywood who doesn’t swear!” Well, I’m a believer in that you write like you talk. I write movies that all of American can love and that’s why I’m here today. I’ve got a pitch for you guys that is gonna make it worth getting off your mistresses, putting on those expensive pants – where do you guys shop for pants around here? Never mind, we’ll talk after – you put on your pants and come to the office for ideas like this.

Picture this: The year is 1975. Superman craze has hit the entire country. Everywhere you look, Superman this, Superman that. Even the local Middletown Pee Wee football team gets into it when one of the teams names themselves the “Middletown Supermen.” They’re so into it, that all their players wear capes when they play.

If you’re waiting for the big meat, the hook that you can sink into that shark alongside your boat and reel in…this is it – the capes turn out to be a not so good idea. The problem with football and capes is they don’t mix. Players on the other team would just wait for a player to run by, grab them by the cape and just YANK! Unfortunate for the little kids of Middletown, capes go around your neck and a sharp enough yank is liable to make a kid’s head go pop – right off.

So in the course of this game, every player on the Middletown team gets decapitated. It’s the biggest tragedy in Pee Wee history. 11 players, dead and headless on the field.

Now, while the audience is trying to catch their breath, we flash forward to present day. All of a sudden, people in Middletown start showing up with no heads on and no one has got a clue as to who’s doing it. Is it the town drunk? Is it the Mayor trying to get even with people who didn’t vote for him? No. It’s none other than the ghosts of the kids from the Middletown Supermen. Creepy, right? Imagine all the people screaming in their seats, hugging their popcorn and sucking on their freakin straws as these ghostly, headless shoulder pads come running out of the mist on a pair of children’s legs. Not creepy enough for ya? How bout a little song the Supermen sing, “da da da daa daa da da da…Pop goes the weasel…” I get sweaty just thinking about it.

I know what you’re thinking – “Where is the romance?” Well, I’ve got your romance, protagonist and context in one character called Dennis…Floorlamp. Ok, I was looking at that floor lamp when I said that. His name shouldn’t be floor lamp. It should be something gruffy. Maybe his name IS gruffy. Dennis Gruffy. Either way, he’s gotta be played by Craig T. Nelson if he’s still alive. Well Dennis used to be a coach, but he’s all washed up now. Couldn’t coach his way out of a wet paper bag. That’s probably going to be one of his lines actually. So he falls for this woman named Denise. Denise comes to Dennis because she needs his help. Those demons are terrorizing her and she needs him to reach down deep, believe in himself and coach them straight to hell. See her connection is that her kid was on the original Pee Wee team as the backup quarterback.

Not sure what happens for the next 40-45 minutes, but the end is a dramatic scene at the original field. They find out that the field was built on an Indian burial ground. Then either Dennis finds the courage to coach this team of damned, headless – that wasn’t a swear, I was saying they were damned, not that they were damn headless, ok? – he coaches them straight to hell or he digs up the Indian bones and assembles them in some sort of ultimate defensive formation that keeps the headless supermen trapped for eternity. I don’t know, you’ll have to focus group that. Either way, he and Denise then make love on the 50 yard line and it turns out that her son isn’t dead…and is Tom Brady.

Credits roll, people cheer and we start on the sequel to the movie – which I think should be called, “Keep Your Head in the Game” but can be anything. This movie could be called, “Hey, you, ugly?! Get in here and watch a movie, you pathetic slug!” and it would clear $200 million.

I know how you guys work, so I’ll let you guys get to it. I’ll leave my cell phone number with the receptionist and look forward to talking dollars with you guys soon. We’re gonna be so rich, you’ll be able to buy Panama. Ciao for now, mis amigos!

Microsoft’s BIG Comeback

Posted on by patrickhmorris
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Just weeks after Steve Job’s return to the Apple keynote address in San Francisco, Microsoft saw an opening. The surprisingly lackluster response to the introduction of the iPod Nano with video recording capabilities was more of a reaction to the Apple obsessed crowd’s desire to see the same technology put on the increasingly popular and significantly more powerful iPod touch.

Meanwhile, Microsoft has been waiting for an Apple slip up. While the stylish designs and usability of Apple’s products has given it market share that borders on dominance, Microsoft sees an opportunity to bring the same conceptual designs of pieces like the iPod and bring them to another sector of the retail market.
At this morning’s press conference, Microsoft will be introducing the first ever 64 deck playing card shuffler. This is a severe upgrade over the latest incarnation (a 32 deck playing card shuffler – which many thought was the apex of card shuffling technology).

Only three years ago the thought of shuffling more than 3-4 decks in a single shuffling machine seemed impossible. “When I was growing up,” says Microsoft Chief Execution Executive, Paul Randal, “we had to cut the deck in half, flop them all together and make a huge mess of things. And that was ONLY one deck! Now, shuffling 64 decks is as easy as a flip of a button, a turn of a crank and the simple loading of 64 decks into this multi-slotted loading panel.”

Could this be the new Macro Shaft?

Could this be the new Macro Shaft?

Many in the industry are impressed, including electronics editor of Dimples magazine, Harry Barnstorm. “Microsoft has often been accused of being a follower, but this clearly shows that they can play the role of innovator. Hewlett Packard has been working on a 40 deck shuffler for the past several years, but product development deemed the technology impossible.”

While Microsoft likes hearing their praise sung throughout the industry, what the consumer thinks is what matters most. In a teaser campaign on its website, Microsoft had a video showing 2 second clips of the falls at Niagara with an end message saying, “There’s got to be an easier way.”

Rumors surrounding the product’s design have been flooding the Internet. The most popular design among tech heads is a vertical design that has detachable straps and a waist centered brace for easy portability. Microsoft is being tight lipped about which design is real. Says Randal, “I can promise you this – it’s going to be much smaller than you think as long as you think it’s going to be roughly 10 – 12 feet tall.”

Tentatively named the Microsoft Macro Shaft (named after it’s tall multi-slotted loading panels) the revolutionary shuffler comes in 4 different colors or “skins” and is expecting to be priced only slightly higher than the previous version at $799. “Technology has come such a long way,” says Barnstorm. “It’s a true testament to Microsoft’s genius that we are pushing the outer limits of card shuffling.”

As to what’s next in the card shuffling industry? Only brave chat room participants can guess. Says one poster, “The ultimate card shuffling technology may not be here today, but we are seeing glimpses of it with the introduction of the Macro Shaft. One day the thought of being able to quickly shuffle 100 decks of cards in a single device that not only looks great, but can fit easily in most passenger cars’ back seat will become fully realized.”

The entire tech industry will be watching the live webcast of Microsoft’s announcement this morning and as most analysts predict, the Microsoft Macro Shaft with 4 skins promises to be on almost every tech head’s Christmas list.

Criminal Status

Posted on by patrickhmorris
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My brother means no offense. How do I know that? He tells me right before he says something incredibly offensive. We’ll be sitting at a bar, having a beer, discussing something like what it means to be successful and he’ll say, “No offense…but you’re too ugly and stupid to be successful.”

None taken.

So it’s with that concept in mind I say: No offense, but the tragic murder of the Yale student this past week has made me laugh. The murder itself isn’t funny, but the way it’s being reported is. Journalism used to involve tiny note pads, knocking on the neighbor’s doors and asking people’s friends and co-workers questions to figure out what a potential suspect was really like. Now that makes as much sense as a JC Penny catalog because of sites like Facebook and Myspace.

Unfortunately, for every teen busted for being tagged in a picture holding a beer can, there are as many desperate stretches to paint a picture of someone through the information on their page. I especially liked a moment in a NYTIMES.com piece about the person who would later be arrested for murdering the 24 year old Yale grad student. It delved deeply into possible motives by painting an illustrious portrait of Raymond Clark and his girlfriend Jennifer Hromadka. When talking about Jennifer they pulled in this golden nugget:

Jennifer wrote on her MySpace page that she’s not perfect, but cautioned people not to judge her.

“Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I’m not perfect and I don’t live to be, but before you start pointing fingers make sure your hands are clean!!” the 23-year-old wrote.

That’s some incredible journalism. I wonder if the journalist managed to actually go to myspace or simply looked over her co-worker’s shoulder while she surfed through Jennifer’s page. While the fall of journalistic integrity could be a valuable rant, I was more focused on the fact that Jennifer’s myspace status was under such judgmental scrutiny.

What would happen if, for some reason, I was placed in a very public investigation and MY facebook page was scoured for psychological insight? Here are actual Status Updates and what a criminal psychologist could potentially write about me. I encourage you all to do this for yourself and see how “normal” you seem.

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Would a poached egg over a brownie be a bad way to start the morning…or a perfect way to set the tone for a stay at home Sunday?

The suspect has a very unusual and unhealthy diet. He thinks he is a god who is above dietary concerns such as high cholesterol. He barely ever leaves the house and leads a secluded life – fantasizing about his next victim.

Off to the land down under – Mexico

The suspect has the geographical knowledge of a 4th grader. Oddly, his college transcript says he majored in Geography which means the college degree was acquired fraudulently. Probably lures his victims through an intricate series of lies.

The over under for how many hot dogs I could eat in one sitting is currently 6. What do you guys think?

He is always seeking approval and looks at normal activities as cumulative goals in the same way a serial killer internally competes to rack up a high kill count.

Governors Island…the blindest island in New York

He is a hateful person who murderously dislikes handicapped people, viewing them as inferior people who are a drain on society. He has a problem disconnecting people and objects – thus explaining his ability to kill humans in such a potentially gruesome manner.

32 Across: A place you’ll find bellybutton lint

He plays games with people – which is a common trait among cinematically depicted serial killers. A confession from him would surely be a cryptic message sent through the media.

You go to an acupuncturist to get acupuncture. You go to a chiropractor to get chiropracty?

The suspect is distrustful of doctors and people in authority. He disregards all science as heresy and believes healing can only come through rituals and sacrificial ceremonies.

Wants to remind you to call your mothers. They miss you/me.

He believes all people are connected to one mother being, which may or may not be extraterrestrial. He thinks his main purpose is to protect this, “mother” against those who wish her harm at all costs.

Wrote an article on puke

The undoubtedly guilty suspect has a fascination with excretions such as vomit and blood. He believes we are all sick and must be cured through his ritualistic killing. Has a general infantile predilection towards the world.

Next Year’s Basil

Posted on by patrickhmorris
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Another year and another failed attempt to grow basil in my apartment. My lack of patience, outdoor space and general knowledge has left me staring at a pot of dirt wondering why I couldn’t keep my basil alive for the 3rd year in a row. Next spring, I’ll have forgotten all the lessons I was intent on remembering. Therefore I’m compiling some tips to remind myself so I don’t make the same mistakes again for next year’s basil.

- Each tiny seed in the packet is a seed meant to grow into a plant:
Because the seeds are so small, I usually convince myself I’d be better off dumping about 1/2 of the package into a single hole or “mass grave”. No matter how much the package urges me not to, I can’t help it when laziness is one of the options.

- Plants need three things – Sunlight, Water and Food:
They don’t need Vivaldi, a stern talking to or beer.

- Making a contraption that acts as a makeshift window box is not advisable:
Since I don’t have a backyard, front yard or fire-escape, window boxes are my only option to get my plants direct sunlight. For some reason, I’ve convinced myself that since sunlight is free, I should figure out free ways of getting my plants to it.

- Don’t get angry when the window box made out of tape and old books breaks:
Trust me, the people who are more upset about my crap box breaking are the people who almost had it fall on them.

- Don’t name your basil:
Ultimately, it makes people feel uncomfortable. Especially if it’s a human name and you refer to it when recalling what you did over the weekend – “Lilly and I watched a movie.”

- Don’t over water:
When my plants are looking sad, chances are it’s because they lack sunlight. Unfortunately, since I can’t coax more sunlight to come into my apartment, I convince myself that a little more water ought to do the trick. This is equivalent to giving a kid who has cut their hand off some candy to get them to stop crying.

- Plants aren’t as sensitive as I think they are:
I’m sick and tired of feeling like my basil is dying because it saw me naked.

- Read to your basil:
I’ve heard talking to plants is beneficial to them, but it can be depressing for me. When I open up about my secrets and deep concerns in life, they don’t really talk back. Note to self: research books that make plants happy. Do all research on a non-company issued computer so I won’t have to explain why I’m researching plant porn. Again.

- Appreciate other people’s basil:
Going to the farmers markets and acting snarky to the people who have beautiful basil plants for sale won’t make my crippled and unfortunate plant grow any better. Just because they have nicer basil plants doesn’t mean I can refer to them as, “the Gestapo of the gardening community.”

- Stop referring to yourself as a gardener:
I might as well be telling people I’m a fisherman because I buy canned tuna.

- When the plant dies, throw it out:
Watching a dead plant rot, while waiting for a miracle is both lazy and makes people uncomfortable. It’s like wearing Crocs with socks.

- Don’t call anyone to mourn:
You are officially allowed to mourn the loss of your summer project for 3.5 seconds. Don’t go put on black and stay away from the phone. This is not a time to share your sensitivity or else people won’t pick up the phone when you call between the months of June and September.

- Don’t take it personally:
I’ve never gone over to friend’s house, seen their less than successful gardening attempts and gone, “I knew it…they are completely worthless people.” However, that’s what I assume everyone thinks when they see my basil. I’ve developed a habit of not returning things just so I could blame my lack of pet sitting gigs on something other than my basil growing abilities.

- Make better list for next, next year’s basil.