The library can be a frustrating place. The thousands of books range from subjects such as Israeli Politics to Elephant Birthing Habits and can be a bit overwhelming. 
In theory, each book offers potential to learn, grow and find a passion to direct your life. With most books, I’d settle for a bit of trivia to spurt out in the elevator between floors 4 and 8 just to keep the awkward silence to a minimum. (“Did you know there are 118 ridges on a dime?”)
Even though borrowing a book is free, the cost can be substantial. The last thing you want to do is read 150 pages of a book to realize that you have, surprisingly, zero interest in learning about Genghis Khan’s Dermatological History. The investment of time can keep those without a system circling the racks, trying desperately to judge a book by its cover.
The good news is I finally have a system. After 40 minutes of not having a clue what to read, I grab the first book I find that I can hold in one hand (necessary for Subway reading) and has a title that makes me look like a bad ass. This has been successful with books such as The Plague, but been less successful with books such as the Lovely Bones.
I didn’t always used to be a reader. In fact, I’m quite new to it. Despite my father’s pleading and eventual threats, I always found something better to do than spend time with a book. Here is my History of Reading.
– Age 10 –
The only thing I read up to this point was the typed screens in Super Mario Bros 3 at the end of each level. Without reading those, I would have never known the princess needed my help.
– Age 12 –
Determined to get a free lunch, I read the entire list on the Dorothy Canfield Fischer (DCF) list. If you read ten books from the list, you would be entered in a drawing to get lunch with the author of one of the books. If you read all twenty, your spot was guaranteed. I pushed myself to get through every word of each book because my school lunch experiences to date involved blocks of shredded wheat and a bag of oats my mother had packed me. When it was announced that the school’s talent show would be the same day, I elected skip the lunch in order to reprise my famous one man play called FUTSO – the basic premise of which was that I fell down and said, “Dum de dum doo!” for 15 minutes.
– Age 14 –
Thinking I had discovered a loop hole in my teacher’s grading system, where he awarded points based on the number of pages read instead of number of books read, I tried to casually slip in a couple generously thick books such as The Tommy Knockers. When asked to prove that I had read the book instead of simply watching the movie, I simply described the plot of the book based on the picture on the cover since I had neither read the book nor seen the movie.
– Age 19 –
In a quest to find an identity, I decide to become an expert on something, anything. After hours of thought, I decide on Coyotes. Despite an honest effort, my expertise in Coyotes was limited to knowing that they are part of the dog family and that I didn’t give two shits about them.
– Age 22 –
Therapy costs about $120 an hour (otherwise known as $120 more per hour than I had to spend). However, library books are free and there are billions of titles in the Self-Help aisle to assure me there isn’t a problem in the world that can’t be solved through reading a book. After reading ½ a dozen books all with the following formula “You have (blank) as a problem. Stop doing (blank)!!”, I decide to write a book called, “You Can’t Help Yourself.”
– Age 23 –
While you can’t judge a book by its cover, you sure as hell can judge a person by what book they’re reading. Therefore I push myself to read books that are in excess of 1,000 pages and written in Latin.
– Age 25 –
Reading is a form of entertainment. School is over. Why all the pressure to learn? I refuse to read anything that is less than 7/8th dialogue and has a main character who is only referenced by his last name. “Hey, Davis…where’d you get that nice watch!?”
– Age 28 –
I considered getting a Kindle, but realized owning a Kindle shows you’re REALLY serious about reading. Perhaps a little too serious. In many ways, it’s equivalent to wearing a helmet on the subway.
And now the history continues. My new system may last me a lifetime, but seeing how my reading has changed throughout the years, it may not last for the rest of this year. Hmmm…I wonder if they have any books at the library on reading habits that have cool looking covers…
All I need is the money in cash, to ask zero questions and to bring something called, “the stealth of god.” At least that’s how it translates into English. I might be translating it wrong so I’m bringing a backpack filled with dice (it’s the only other thing I think “dios” could mean).
