To my esteemed colleagues and reputable managers,
Today is my last day at as a systems analyst at Systems Industries and I wanted to pose a formal letter of resignation that details my time here. It’s been 11 years since I started working at Systems Industries. I’ve met a lot of people and shared a lot of experiences during that time.
One that personally sticks in my side is a conversation I had with George Browning back in early 2001. He was talking about his favorite type of sushi (Toro – the fatty belly of tuna) and I thought he was talking about the fictional film depicting the attacks on Pearl Harbor called Tora! Tora! Tora! I now understand why he looked at me funny when I called his favorite sushi, “Racist Drivel.” If anyone knows where George is currently working, I’d appreciate it if they please forward my apology to him.
I would also like to take this opportunity to issue an apology regarding food being taken from the fridge. While I never once was the culprit, I did often coo with joy when hearing of someone’s food being stolen. Watching a co-worker shout the general concepts of ethics, with their eyes welling with tears, always made me laugh. I don’t care who stole your fucking Lean Cuisine, Barbara.
I’ve always considered myself to be a good worker, but in all my years, I was not ever able to adequately express what a systems analyst does. I can tell you what I do as a systems analyst, but those activities more closely resemble those of a 14 year old girl gossiping on the Internet than those of a systems analyst. I doubt calling your ex-wife a “meth addict” on facebook is what other systems analysts do.
While my quality of work was never exceptional – think of a bowl of onions being called a salad – my committmenet to the company was. Not once did I drink at my desk, view pornography on my computer or take more than an hour for lunch. However, while I also never fell asleep at the office, I have identified 17 places in the office that would be ideal.
My legacy will be my consistency and I would take no greater honor than if someone took up the tradition of rooting through people’s recently vacated desks looking for spare change. By my count, over 47 people have quit or been fired by Systems Industries during my tenure and I have purchased almost 30 scratch tickets with the change acquired during that time. I once won $75 on a ticket and spend the entire amount on lunch for one week. Those of you around in the fall of 98 might remember what I fondly called, “Steak Week.”
My new career as a systems analyst consultant is going to deprive me of the daily interaction with all the wonderful people who were kind enough to keep this rather candid letter from reaching the hands of my new clients. For that, I am sad.
However, you shall all be a wonderful memory in my heart. Now, I bid you farewell.
Adieu, Adieu, Adieu…Fuck You, Fuck You, Fuck You.
Eat My Dust,
Bernard Timpkins
We’re not going to be traveling over any water on our flight so we’re going to skip the instructional safety video. In the event of an emergency landing, turn into titanium and pray god wasn’t watching when you made any retard jokes.
