Welcome to flight 867, non-stop to Tucson. We’ll be climbing to over 30,000 feet on what should be a smooth ride with the occasional pocket of what we here in the cockpit refer to as ‘mega-turbulence’ along the way. We’re not going to be traveling over any water on our flight so we’re going to skip the instructional safety video. In the event of an emergency landing, turn into titanium and pray god wasn’t watching when you made any retard jokes.

Our flight attendants will be coming around to offer complimentary headphones so you can enjoy our in-flight entertainment. Today’s movie will be some mild drivel, but hopefully should be enough of a distraction to keep you from sleeping. Please be mindful of your volume level, as our engines have been known to short out when too much electricity is being used in the cabin.

Our flight time today is 3 hours and 10 minutes, which, if you’re wondering, is just enough time to ruin your entire day. If you’re someone who uses jet lag as an excuse to go to bed early or sleep in the next day then please disregard the common fact that jet lag can be avoided by not being a total puss.

Please sit back, stretch your knees against the back of the seat in front of you and enjoy our flight. Anyone interested in becoming a pilot can give their flight attendant a nice, pert, slap in the ass and we’ll see if we can get you behind the stick.