While the rest of the world tries to lose weight, stop smoking and learn Italian, I have real resolutions. While I could write a post about my actual resolutions (I have only one: to stop calling 2010 “Twenty Oh Ten” by accident), I thought it would be more appropriate to concentrate my resolutions to the world of beer. As you can see…20(oh)10 looks to be a year of great improvement.

- Find Worst Beer Ever

I’m sick of everyone just inserting Budweiser under the title of Worst Beer. It’s lazy, it’s snobby and, most importantly, it’s just not true. While I’ll never tout the virtues of a pissy pale American styled Pilsner, Budweiser’s found a way to create a consistent pissy American beer at scale. Let’s face it, there has to be much, MUCH worse out there. Think of it this way: People who talk about an amazing burger might use McDonalds as it’s antithesis, but wouldn’t you find it more refreshing for someone to take the extra step and give credit to a burger made out of rat hair and cartilidge that’s just come out of a microwave by someone who gave up on washing themselves years ago? I would.

- Invent Hop Cologne

Hop heads know what to do when they’re around hops. They crush the hell out of them, cup the pieces around their noses and breath in excessively. The smell is mesmerizing. Why wouldn’t men want to have this be their scent? Hop for Men, would be just one of my scents in a line that included: gasoline, freshly cut grass, hay and BBQ.

- Have 3 Consecutive Conversations About Beer Without Being Called an Alcoholic

People who talk about beer at length get the alcoholic card pulled on them pretty quickly and rather unfairly. It would be like me hearing someone talk about their kids too much and me accusing them of being a pedophile. Either way, there are three ways for me to accomplish this resolution:
- Stop buying tall boys or cans of things that barely fit in my hand
- Stop ending each conversation about beer with, “Whatever does the trick, right?”
- Stop talking to my girlfriend about beer

- Invent Perfect Good Morning America Drinking Game

I’ve been a big proponent of breakfast beers (this might be the conversation to avoid if I’m going for this whole, “not an alcoholic” thing in 2010). Not only am I a big fan of breakfast beers, but I’m a big fan of taking a not very interesting experience (watching Good Morning America is chairman of this category) and turning it into a drinking game. As far as google tells me, no one has thought of making the obvious connection of booze and two damn chipper in the morning news stories. Side note: I had no idea what I was going to do if I searched for “Good Morning America drinking game” and actually found something. I’m sure I would have deleted the previous paragraph and told people about how I found an example of someone who is REALLY an alcoholic.

- Stop Spreading Rumors About Sam Castiglione

In what is most certainly 80% jealousy, I’ve found myself spreading all sorts of rumors about the founder and brewmaster of Dogfish Head. I need to stop. Although, I heard he is an actor who is being paid by the Craft Beer Union to give their industry a more youthful, rugged, masculine image.

- Do 5 Things on the 3 Beer List and Do 1 Thing on the 5+ Beer List

What’s the 3 beer list? It’s the ideas you come up with after having three beers. These ideas are generally brilliant. Here’s a hypothetical sample:
- “We should get hot dogs”
- “Let’s drive cross country this summer”
- “I’m going to call that girl”
- “Someone should invent a drinking game for Good Morning America”
- “Let’s get more beer”

The 5+ beer list is a different story. These ideas are usually disasters and should be avoided at almost any cost. Here’s some things you might see on a 5+ beer list:
- “I should call her again, right? 20 voicemails in one day isn’t too many, right?”
- “We should go camping in the winter!”
- “I totally could land in your pool if I jumped off the roof”
- “My friend and I will have so much more things to talk about if I hook up with his Ex”
- “Let’s get more whiskey”

Why do I have the resolution to do one thing of my 5+ beer list? Cause life can’t always be boring.