Dear MTV,

I was recently watching your fine television station (which I’ve done for years…not continuously, but, for the most part, whenever I turn on the TV, I will see what’s on your channel. That’s more than I can say for TNT, TBS or that onion sandwich of a station Bravo).

I’m writing you at this moment to congratulate you on the great success of your reality shows such as Real World, Road Rules and Jersey Shore. They have been both poignant and pragmatic. While I will always be a devoted fan, I believe I can offer more – a proposal for a new reality show.

As someone who studies Nielsen trends, I’ve discovered that ratings are directly proportionate to the level of frantic and destructive behavior of a show’s cast members. It is through this deduction that I, Terry Danielson, propose myself as your next reality focus. I assure you, MTV, that I have a greater propensity for absurdity than any of your former stars. To say my absurdity is precipitously greater than Puck’s and The Situation combined would be true.

My language is coarse and beyond reproach. There isn’t a sentence that exits my mouth that isn’t controversial. I would refer you to some of my friends for confirmation, but, alas, my controversial conversations have pushed them away. Just this past week, I made the claim that social services are mismanaged, that consumer electronics are in a perpetual quest to become obsolete and that I found more inspiration from Victor Frankel than Oprah.

While my language can be biting, it is my temper that should be truly feared. My stunted fuse is infamous and worth any admission. Just the other night, I became so enraged, so engulfed by madness at Bill Ponderman for calling my civic hybrid a “1/2 hearted attempt at being environmentally conscious” that I went into the bathroom and threw the wad of Kleenex I keep balled up in my pocket on the ground. And do you think I picked it up? Eventually, I did, but not until after a substantial pause.

With ringent honesty, my sexual exploits are not as titillating as some I’ve seen on your programs. However, while my fortitude for such passions of the flesh is diminutive, much could be remedied with a hot tub or a multi-setting massage recliner. I also believe that I can add something more erotic than lust of a physical nature – popovers! Like the mitochondria and bioluminescence, popovers are undeniably breathtaking. They are what gave Marilyn her figure and Bob Hope his charmingly evil smile.

A typical episode could go as such: I wake and immediately head to the kitchen to clean out my coffee machine (something I do religiously and methodically every day). Then, after yet another failed attempt the finish the Sunday crossword puzzle (apox on you Mr. Shortz!!), I will make faces at my cat for a bit. After I’ve been thoroughly riled up, I will either make my way to Barnes & Noble or the Salvation Army. Anyone who says you can’t kill a day at either of those two establishments hasn’t attempted to touch every single item in those stores (I’m deeply fond of the way my hands smell after the Salvation Army). After a few more faces at Murray (the cat), I’ll assemble my evening affair and plan to randomly show up at houses of people I know. My hope is they are partaking in something social.

After consuming as much of whatever I am offered (wine, martinis, food, etc.) I am succinctly asked to leave. Depending on how much I’ve been able to consume before such a request is made I will either leave surreptitiously or with great fury/rancor.
Here are some potential angles that could be beefed up to make the show have more relevancy to your audience:

- Instead of Murray being my cat, maybe he’s my nephew. Making faces at him can be changed to, “mentally abuse”.
- I could only eat food I find in the pockets of clothing I touch at the Salvation Army.
- I could put my lil pop-up in each of my popovers.
- I could go to addresses of people who I know WON’T be home and paint horrific and obscene murals on all their walls.
- I could stay up past 9:00 pm every night.
- I will frequently listen to audio recordings of whales being strangled.

Please let me know your constructive feed back, as I am willing to discuss other potential storylines (perhaps I have a humorous email address?). This is a project I dramatically believe in.

With praise befitting royalty,

Terry