A series of letters from somewhere, someone or nowhere at all.

Dear Momma,

I bought a pack of gum today. It’s been a while since I’ve done that. Usually just walk up to the counter, look at the gum and continue on with what I’ve already picked out.  

Reminded me of the time when I was eight or so and I got gum caught in my hair. Do you remember that? It got stuck in there pretty good. Remember how you told me that the only way it would come out was if I mowed the lawn and did two loads of laundry? I thought you were crazy, but it worked. I remember it so vividly because that was the day before I woke up and all my hair had been shaved off.

You really had me believing that there was such a thing as a Buzz-Cut Fairy for a while, but I’ve grown up a lot since then. I know things. Things that maybe I wasn’t supposed to know. For instance, I found there’s more than one way to drown a cat (is that even the saying or did you lie to me about that too?) and there’s more than one way to get gum out of your hair. Basically, what I’m saying is, while in college, I experimented.

I experimented with everything – girls, guys, obesity.  But based on a late night discussion, someone opened my eyes to the possibilities of gum and hair separation. They helped me realize that lawn mowing and two loads of laundry couldn’t have gotten the gum out of my hair. To put it another way, you can’t put Tic Tacs under your pillow and expect the Tooth Fairy to give you a quarter, can you?

At some point in the night, someone brought up the concept that the best way to get gum out was by rubbing peanut butter through your hair. Sounded like something a crazy person would say, but we decided to go to the corner store and give crazy a try. We were going to push reality.

And believe me when I tell you, it worked. It wasn’t pleasant by any means and we should have thought through the chunky vs. smooth decision, but within a few hours, that gum was mostly out of my hair.

If I’m not mistaken, we had peanut butter in our house pretty regularly, huh? The chances of there being peanut butter in the pantry that day was about…what?…80%. Is it possible that you made me mow the lawn, do two loads of laundry and then shaved my head instead of just putting some stupid peanut butter in my hair? How did you get me to sleep through the shaving? Was I drugged? I must have been, because we didn’t have clippers and I’m pretty sure I had a burn mark on my scalp the next morning.

Anyway, as I mentioned at the onset of this letter, I’ve recently purchased some gum and subsequently got most of it stuck in my hair (the first four pieces were a complete accident, but that fifth piece is one I can’t be too sure of). I had a job interview today that I had to cancel (who would hire someone who has chunky peanut butter in their hair?).

Sure, this job could have really turned things around for me, but maybe this is all leading to a real opportunity to make some serious cash. To be fair, I don’t think you owe me anything, but if lies were to be amortized over the past 20 some odd years, I think you owe me a moderate level of compensation.

Think of it – there is no one currently in the gum/hair removal market! Peanut butter works, but it also can be used as a food item. Gross!

With a little testing, I think I could figure out how to make a product specifically designed to get gum out of your hair. People would buy this by the case-load because, “You’ll look like a moron with gum in your hair!” That’s the slogan. I’ve already trademarked it.

It’s a can’t lose! Let’s face it, gum isn’t something you can fix by yourself. It’s not like you can tie one end of a string around your scalp with the other end attached to a door knob. It just kinda yanks the skin off your forehead.

Let’s get rich together, mom!

Love,

Bailey