How are you? It’s been a very active time for me since I last wrote you. If you remember, the last time I wrote you, I was deep in drafting a lobster bill of rights. Well, I’ve hit a few snags, but for the most part, it is complete. I think it captures all the broad issues and even though I’d prefer it to be of greater scope, it’s at least a start.

Most of the snags came from a particular article on a simple naming convention. My goal was to set one standard way of naming lobsters so that people understand more about their lobsters from the get to. I mean, I think people would be shocked how few lobsters from Maine are actually from Maine.

What I proposed was that lobsters caught less than 3 nautical miles off the coast of Maine be referred to as, “Maynards,” and anything past that point, “Maynerds”. Lobsters originating from coastal areas around Asia would be called, “Curry-Roaches” and a lobster from South America ports would be obviously called, “Empenada Lobsters.” There was little support of this system within the lobster regulation committee.

And if you’ll excuse me a minute to rant about the regulation committee, they’ve given me nothing but frustration as of late. I know I was passed over to be general secretary, but I still think my voice should be heard within the chambers. They have so many stupid rules and incredulous social classes, that the only way to actually hold a position of power…is to kill a member. Obviously, I’m not going to be “killing” anyone, but it feels like sometimes, that’s what they want me to do.

Seriously, I do feel as though they are advocating murder there. The bishop-general for equitable shell fish told me the other day that I haven’t, “thought of that one killer idea yet.” That’s pretty obvious what he’s saying, right? They also leave knives out a lot and I swear Brandon, the minister of claw tail relations, wears that t-shirt with a balloon print on it because he wants me to stab him. That looks more crazy when I put it down on paper, but it makes a lot of sense in my head.

Besides the work I’m doing for the lobster bill of rights, I’ve kept busy with other, non-lobster related, activities. Found a gym that doesn’t make me wipe down the equipment after I use it. Always hated the dirty looks I would get after getting up from the chest press and walking away. I get why people want me to wipe down the machine, but I don’t understand why they look so wounded when I don’t. People have issues, I guess.

Hope things with you are good and you’re having a lot of fun running around the city. I know all this talk of lobsters must go over your head, but just sharing a little of my life. Feel free to write me about how you voluntarily get yourself in tight and crowded lobster trap every morning to go to work (the subway!).

Best,

Harold