The other day, you were walking with your dad, dragging your razor scooter behind you when the B61 bus passed you by, I believe your exact words were, “The B61 bus? Now I’ve seen everything.”

I couldn’t help but notice that you are, what, no older than 8? You are putting a stake in the ground at this moment as when you officially had nothing else in life to see? Does that mean we can cancel your cable, shut down your wifi and book your honeymoon in advance to “who gives a shit wherever, USA?!”

Didn’t think so. In fact, I can think of hundreds of things that you personally haven’t witnessed that you’re missing out on. Here are just a couple for you to review while you sit on your throne of whatever they make gold out of for spoiled brats like you.

The disappointment of the lack of the touch of a woman:
Sure, mommy feels nice. Mailman lady? Whatever, you hug her too. But as you get older, you find yourself having to deserve hugs and can’t just get them from any old nowhere. You will start to feel this when you’re in your twenties and discover the wonderful world of hugging your friends hello and good-bye. Then in your later 40s you’ll just casually wave from your chair as they leave and wonder if that means you don’t have to see those people for another few months. By the time you’re 60+, you will be lucky to hug a woman once every 15 years and when you DO hug them…prepared to hear them say, “ewww” under their breath.

The lack of care for a pet’s life:
How much would I have to pay you right now to kill your dog? $1 million?! $10 million!?! What if I promised I could bring back dinosaurs and they’d be your best friends? Don’t bother answering that one because I know your answer is no. You love your dog and can’t imagine a day without it. Well, you will. Someday you will be cleaning up after a pet, a member of the family as your stupid kids say, and wonder how far you would have to drive that dog into the woods for it to never find its way back. Here’s a spoiler alert – they always come back. However, one day, that dog is going to die and it will rank behind a traffic ticket in terms of importance to you.

An expanded vocabulary:
Do you know what Victorian is? How about, furnished basement? Any chance you use the phrase, “miles per gallon” in the sand box? Oh, you’re going to know what a rotator cuff is because it hurts, what a cufflink is because you lost one, that carpe diem is Latin for “you’re wasting your f’n life,” that delicate cycle is another word for an extra load you have to run, that a sconce is something that makes light expensive, that seltzer is the closest thing you to soda you can enjoy and that most of your life is spent making sure you have your keys on you at all times.

Cubicle coloring
You know how your mom yells at you to put on sun screen before you go out and how you hate that? Well, don’t put on sunscreen because it’s all the sun you’re going to get in your life. Once you hit the working world, your skin takes on this yellow color that looks like a bowl of instant oatmeal spilled out into a puddle of snot. That’s because, where you’re headed – the working world – there is no sun. You’ll have florescent lights – which were named that because it sounds magical and is better than the more accurate, “cheap lights.” Don’t use bathrooms that have good lighting or else you’ll find yourself staring at your hideous face for hours on end wondering if it’s going to crumble right in front of you.

All this is on your horizon. You haven’t seen nothing yet. There will be other busses on ever street and one day, deep into the distance, you’ll find yourself riding one you’ve never been on before because you went out of your way to follow a kid and his dad home just so you could find out his address and write him a letter.

Warmest Regards,
Tom Mausch