I would like to reserve your services for next Thursday if you are available. I need to move out of my three bedroom apartment into a one bedroom apartment on the western part of town. The reason for my move is personal, but needless to say, I am no longer welcome at such an expensive and rent hungry living space. The years of collecting less than specific objects will surely make this move a challenge. Also making this move a challenge will be my laziness. I’m not a go-getter and the concept of finding boxes, let alone PACKING boxes, gives me the shakes.

What I have done to this point is to organize the apartment into three distinct object types:
1) Breakable
2) Breakable by excessive force
3) Flammable

Some things aren’t easily categorized and the flammable pile really could include anything. An aquarium full of fish doesn’t have the risk of spontaneously combustion, but gasoline increases the likelihood of fire and that puts the aquarium firmly in the flammable pile. I suppose I could sub-divide this pile to make things more clear, but I don’t think having 75 piles makes your job any easier.

The trickiest piece I have is a ball of used car batteries that I have been strapping together for many years. I’ve thought about taking it apart since it’s certainly wider than any doorway in the house (go me!), but will wait until the professionals can asses. I’ve worked for many years to build this piece and I’d hate to take it apart if something as simple as removing the roof can be accomplished. Also, to give this ball further context, it’s so heavy that the floor is buckling (again, go me!).

Just so I’m prepared, what do the people who will be helping me move like for lunch – I insist. I currently have several types of Ramen noodles, but they are all variations on shrimp. If anyone on your staff is allergic to shrimp, please let me know so I can avoid that embarrassment and stick to offering glasses of water.

One other issue that I will try to resolve by Thursday is that I will try and locate my new apartment’s address. I remember it had a distinct downhill feel to it and remember several trees…and a turn, but without the exact address, I’m afraid moving may be difficult if not impossible. If, for some reason, someone on your staff is able to figure out my apartment based on the information I’ve provided (one bedroom, downhill, trees, turn(s)), let me know as it will save me considerable hassle.

Also, on further review, what looks like a mouse has gotten into the Ramen noodles so I’ll be providing broth of different shrimp varieties. I hope this is acceptable.

If there is other information you would need in order to make my move run smoothly or if you need me to organize my piles in a different way (I would certainly consider putting everything in an alphabetical row – from “After shave samples” to “Zebra samples”).

Sincerely,

Frank Furstein