Martini: Based on a True Story

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This martini, is positively transcendent. I don’t use that word lightly. You’ll have to believe me, but I don’t flaunt my way around town describing every thing that exceeds an adequate rating as ‘transcendent’. However, this martini deserves all of the praise developed in the English language. The boldness of the gin is so subtly soothed by the saltiness in the olives. There is also just the faintest hint of vermouth that seems to touch my lips and then excuse itself so delicately. It’s a marvelously constructed concoction and all my worship goes to your mixologist. I can only hope that he’s left some of his alchemy for a second one.
–
Bravo again, says I. He’s done it again. This martini had such a sense of quality to it, but did not feel like it had been a mere replication. Unique in many ways, this martini had a softness that the other did not and a supreme high note of clarity between the olives and the gin. Did he use a different gin, I have to wonder. While the anise flavor is still bold, it’s almost as if the gin feels a humble serenity that wasn’t present in the last one. Which, as I hope you know by now, whenever I say, “last one” it will be in reference to the previous martini, not an indication that I will be stopping after this one. Another martini, if you may.
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I’ve never tried drinking my martini with a spoon, but I’ve just given it a go. It’s delightfully fun. Also, another word of advice on derivating behavior that will chuckle your loins, I’ve removed my belt and fastened it exceedingly tight around my ankle. My foot feels quite dead. I’d imagine that a walk around this restaurant would result in me falling quite viciously on my face when I put pressure down on this lifeless stump of a foot. I won’t though because there’s a strong chance that my pants would make a direct beeline for the floor when I stood. Did I mention I’ve removed my belt? Well, did you bring my martini? Well then I guess we both look the fool.
–
One gulp. One fucking gulp. Have you ever seen anyone take down a martini like that? I basically off-roaded that martini. Is that a saying? If not, I officially have coined it. Also, during this meal, I’ve coined the phrases, “Dirty as a snake’s apartment” and “Well I’ll be tumble dried!” Sometimes I wish my life were taped. But, but…what was I saying just now? Right! Yes, I wish I owned a video camera. Here, pretend that notepad of yours is a video camera. Hold it up. HOLD IT UP!! Fine, you’re no fun. I’ll have another martini and tell your monkey behind the bar to send the entire jar of olives this time.
–
Please just set the drink there on the table. I’ve found that the floor is much more suited to my current situation. Oh, you noticed. I thought if I placed a few napkins over my legs, it would give the appearance as though I were still wearing pants. Your tip just went up and down at the same time, my friend. I’d imagine this is as good of a time as any to tell you about my ex-wife. Actually, full disclosure, I’ve never been married at all. I just have bitterness towards all women and have personified it into a fictional ex-wife I call “Brenda.” She’s one horrid bitch, I tell you. Now, if you don’t mind handing me that martini over there, I’d like to do an impression of a fountain.

The Future of Late Night TV

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There are only a few peaks to be reached in the world of comedy, but hosting the Tonight Show is one of the most undisputed. This has become even more prevalent in the past year after Conan O’Brien and Jay Leno’s public wrestling to be the one man behind the Tonight Show desk. Many criticized NBC’s handling of the situation (which has been described as deceitful, cowardly and manipulative) and few thought they could ever recover the prestigious mantle the Tonight Show once stood for.

However, in an effort to prove their ability to think outside of the safe, older demographic style of Jay Leno, NBC has scouted several new talents to one day give the Tonight Show the popular edge it once had.

Meet Stew Malo (real name). He’s been on NBC’s radar for the past few months and is quickly making a name for himself in the world of comedy with his edgy style rooted in call-back to traditional performers.

“I used to watch the Smothers Brothers a lot” Stew told me from the set of his independently produced talk show he airs on the Internet. “Those were some funny cats who knew the difference between a well crafted joke and kite stuck in the mud.”

Stew’s show, which was formally called “Eat My Balls” until NBC incentivized him to change it to the more consumer friendly title “Talking Funny”, is a 40 second daily talk show that consists of an abbreviated monologue and a sketch.

“Today’s generation doesn’t care about an hour long show and they won’t put up with a long monologue recapping the day’s news. We all watch the Daily Show for that. I think my ‘dirty milk’ bit is a step in the right direction.”

Malo’s ‘dirty milk’ segment takes up the lion share of his show and consists of Malo screaming expletives into a carton of milk. “It’s more of a commentary about how we’re told how to grow up and the dietary oddities we’ve adapted than it is about me calling the milk a ‘cock pussy’”.

When I asked Stew if he felt pressure to be inventive and separate himself from the traditional talk show host persona, Stew pushes a chair over. “Most people would see that chair fall over and say, ‘that’s not funny,’ but to me, it’s a chair falling over.”

While Malo is high up on NBC’s potential Tonight Show successors, they’ve also pursued even more unconventional hosts.

“We have scouted every corner of the country and we’ve found some unique comedy personalities. I don’t think most people would appreciate a comic like Ronald McRonald, but we see extreme potential.”

Ronald McRonald is perhaps  the most unconventional of the potential Tonight Show successor. Ronald performs what he describes as, Sunset Humor. His act consists of holding his hands over his head and slowly lowering them to his side.

“I think what Ronald is doing is amazing,” says current Tonight Show host, Jay Leno. “It’s a lot like the stuff I used to do when I was first coming up in the scene.” When asked if he thought Ronald’s Sunset Humor could capture a broad audience and be sustained on an hour long nightly show, Jay simply chuckled. “What do I know, I’m just the funniest man in America, not a fortune teller.”

Many at rival networks are calling NBC’s public talent scouting a carefully choreographed scam meant to draw attention away from Leno and their inability to find a formula that works. “I’ve heard they’re just trying to create a diversion from their long-term plans – which is to film a late night show in an empty studio with a laugh track,” said a CBS executive.

When asked to comment on “Operation Ghost” – as it is rumored to be called – NBC declined to comment, but asked, “do you think that would work?”

Who To Hate

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We, as a culture, love hating. We love commenting on articles (“you right like your in the 5th grade!”), we’re desperate to see icons fail, (admit it, the new Star Wars movies weren’t that bad…oh wait, yes they were), and most of all, we love finding groups of people to be our punchlines. Most of us, aren’t evil, but we find our separate niches of groups to stereotype and speak about pejoratively (if you’ve never said anything about hipsters, strollers, or tourists…you’re probably a liar). However, this is not a “we all deserve to have our mouths washed out with soap” article. This is meant to show that even though we’ve come a long way, it’s inevitable to refrain from delving into our guilty pleasure of laughing at a group’s expense.

Race
Back in the 1920’s, this may have been OK, but we, as a culture quickly figured out that it was NOT ok to discriminate or make fun of someone because of their race. Tell a slightly racist joke (is there such a thing as slightly racist or is it more a binary system where it is either one or the other) at a cocktail party and you’re likely to be labeled as the world’s biggest racist and shunned by everyone. You might even get punched in the mouth.

Country/Nationality
When I was growing up, it was all about Polish jokes. Not sure why we felt like we should pick on them and claim they were building screen doors on their submarines, but it seemed ok at the time. I’ve met many Polish people and not only are they not stupid, but very few even own submarines.

There was a period of time where the jokes shifted to Canada (partly because of South Park, but also because we thought, “we’re basically making fun of ourselves.” Which we weren’t). Either way, our comfort in making fun of an entire nationality wained when we realized that while it wasn’t racist, it certainly was discriminatory.

While this is still going on to a degree (somehow it’s ok to say Irish people are drunks), it has, for the most part been pushed away. However, because of the distance and my complete lack of knowledge there was a significant difference between New Zealanders and Australians this was pretty funny.

Genetics
Somewhere between when I was 5 and when I was 20, someone pointed out that a series of jokes where the punchline revolved around how an entire country was filled with buffoons was actually a form of bigotry and they looked for something that would relive them of a guilty conscious.

The solution…move away from a specific race or geographical area and just laugh viciously at a group of people connected by hair color. “You know, I hadn’t thought of it, but blond women ARE stupid! I bet they go into an M&M factory and throw away all the Ws! HA HA I HATE THEM SO MUCH!!!”

One problem with the blond women jokes was that there wasn’t a blond male counterpart. Hmm…what to do? Well…Hello, Gingers!

South Park started the Ginger hating ways and we laughed.
This kid responded to the South Park Ginger hating ways and we laughed even harder.
MIA used this to a level of intensity unseen in a music video…and we felt like she’d gone too far.

Lifestyle
The Jersey Shore was not only an entertaining show, but it all let us fully embrace the concept of calling someone a Guido. Sure, this is linked back to a persons nationality, but we feel better about it because it’s a lifestyle choice that anyone can partake in. “Hey, you said it first. I’m now free to call you and anyone else I see who is tan or has gel in their hair a Guido, right?”

Sure, it’s a lifestyle thing, we’re making fun people from Staten Island/New Jersey who live this lifestyle, but isn’t the other common trait that they’re all Italian? Just because a white person embraces the hip-hop lifestyle doesn’t mean we can start calling them racial slurs.

What’s Next?
We, as a collective, are always looking for someone to be the common punchline. With an increasing moral compass and advocate groups quick to point out our insensitivites, it’s going to have to be a group of people who participate by choice exclusively.

Therefore I nominate, the new group to feel our wrath and laughter…

Bracelet wearers. We can call them Braceleters and we can hate them for wanting to be fashionable (even a bracelet for a show or for a hospital becomes an item of fashion the second you leave those places with it still on). Seriously, how many Braceleters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2! One to screw in the lightbulb and the other to wear bracelets. HA HA!! I WISH THEY’D ALL JUST DISSAPEAR!!

Ok, so it might not be Braceleters who become the next acceptable group to hate, but check back in a year from now and see if we’ve found a way to discriminate against people who were born from Cesarean sections, were only children or like horses. I bet we will.

Love Dove, Inc.

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Hi, you’ve reached Sally, leave me a message and I’ll get back to you.

BEEP

Hi this is a message for Sally Swaddel. My name is Barnes Claypool and I’m calling from Love Dove Inc. I am returning your call requesting some pricing on us releasing some doves on your upcoming wedding day.

The basic service for a dozen white doves released at any point in your wedding ceremony is $350 plus any unforeseen costs such as…well, I can’t really predict them, but they have been known to come up. Soda for myself is included in the price I quoted.

Some other pricing options for you…if you’re interested in something a little more unconventional for your wedding, you can smother the 12 doves with a towel for $850. Or you can cover them in oil for $20 billion dollars.

Sorry, that was some topical humor. We don’t usually offer custom options like covering the doves in oil.

Just to create an explicately illustrative picture of things…here’s the general routine:

I will be introduced as Birdman. Not “Mr. Birdman” or “The Birdman.” This is very important…Birdman. Just…Birdman. I’ll get sued if you even stutter on the letter B.

I will then talk about how doves are very symbolic of your love. I will say you and your husband’s name for an extra $5 per name. If you want music, I can bring my iPod, but I don’t take requests. I’m an artist, not a jukebox. Then I open the cages, shake the cages pretty aggressively and the birds fly out. And personally, Ms. Swaddel, I’ve watched that part 5,000 times and I still get choked up watching those little suckers fly around. It’s like they’re terrified and elated by their new found freedom.

Many people ask me how I retrieve the birds after they’ve flown off. Well, the method is very complicated and largely scientific. If it looks like I’m just driving off while the birds are still flying around…I’m not.

Oh, one thing I should mention is that I do offer a price break depending on how many birds fly out of the cage. It’s pretty rare that all 12 of the birds will still be alive when I try to shake them out of their cage. You only pay for the birds that are alive and fly out on their own. Of course, I would also be open to shaking each one of these less-than-alive birds onto the ground for an extra $5 per.

That’s about it. I could also give you pricing on having 12 pigeons released or getting ten minutes to verbally abuse the doves, but I’ll let you get back to me on those. I look forward to working with you on your special day, Ms. Swaddel. I can be reached at one of the seven numbers listed on the card I gave you.

BEEP

How to Build Cabinets: A How To On Building Cabinets

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You’ve just moved into a new place and you’re stuck with the last tenant’s cheap, fake-wood looking cabinets. Can I get a “oh no they didn’t”? A great way to spruce up the kitchen is to buy new cabinets that fit your style and personality. For instance, the cabinets I purchased are what is called “sonic marble” and have an inlay of sparkles that reflect all the colors of the rainbow. They’re me thru and thru.

The first thing to do when your cabinets get delivered is to lay out all the pieces on the floor. Your first thought might be, ‘why are there so many pieces’ because there are, in fact, a ton of pieces. Literally way more than you could ever imagine.

You’ll need some tools. A hammer works great, but if you don’t have that, get a glass bottle and wrap it in duct tape. Also, you should have a philips head screwdriver for this, but gorilla glue, or other strong adhesives, can take its place. The rule with superglue is to not get it in your eyes and, despite our desire to give them crowns and wings, never use it on pets.

Take the side board and this front brace and measure them at a 90 degree angle. You can use the bottom of your foot for this because god was nice enough to make our calves and feet at perfect 90 degree angles. If you push too hard, you’ll break through the wood – as I’ve just done. I thought this was marble, but it looks like it was some sawdust glued in blocks and painted with something shiny. Despite the non-wood qualities of this particular cabinet, you can still manage to give yourself splinters – as I’ve just done.

This might be an excellent time to mention the need for footwear during a project like this. Even crocs would offer some protection. And while we’re on the topic of safety gear, some pants or underwear would be advisable. It will keep you from getting some superglue on your strawberry rhubarb. If, for any reason you DO get superglue on your strawberry rhubarb and it gets stuck to your makeshift hammer, remove immediately.

By now your cabinets are complete and it’s time to clean up. There will be lots of cardboard and packing materials to get rid of. If you have the proper equipment to dispose of it (garbage bags, tape/twine for all the cardboard) then you should simply stay within the traditioinal methods of garbage removal. However, it is rare to have such things without extreme advanced planning. I personally have resorted to tearing my waste into small pieces and flushing them down the toilet. It’s time consuming, but doesn’t require a trip out of the apartment (which are the worst!). Another, less adviasable method is to expell the waste out your window. Your neighbors will certainly have issues with it and I doubt the lady downstairs believed me when I told her it must have been raining televisions, but, once again, it beats having to go outside.

Once the cleanup is complete, you can sit back and admire your new and perfectly assembled cabinets. Umm…what the? Hmmmmm…my cabinets appear to be still completely in pieces on the floor. I must…hmm…must have missed a step…or…hmm…

Mountains Explained: An FAQ on Mountains

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Q: How do mountains form?
Several ways and all are too complicated to explain to morons. Are you a moron? Are you sure? If I say, ‘tectonic plates’ and your first thought is, ‘I love that band,’ go to the next question.

Basically, when two plates collided, something hast to happen. Think of all the car accident scenes in a Michael Bay film. When two cars crash into each other, various things can happen, but whether the car flips over, slides under, crushes equally or does a forward flip, you’re left with one thing: a movie that is a big mountain of shit.

Q: Could I make a mountain in my back yard?
If you have control over the tectonic plates in your backyard, yes. Otherwise, I suggest just chucking your garbage into a pile until you satisfied with the height.

Q: Why are some mountains bigger than others?
They aren’t. Some are just further away from you than others.

Q: What are the most famous mountains?
Everest, K2, McKinley, Vesuvius, Kilimanjaro, Kilimanbingo, Whassasisiupthere & Mt. Funk.

Q: Why do all James Bond ivllains put their bases in the sides of mountains?
Cause having it in the basement of the Stop & Shop isn’t nearly as bad ass.

Q: If a mountain & a million wolves got into a fight, who would win?
The wolves because a million is more than one (stupid).

Q: Are Islands just the top of mountains coming through the ocean?
Islands are wide enough rocks that can float on water. Walter Stands was the first person to successfully swim UNDER each of the canary Islands. He also holds the worlds record for most successive sneezes (45 million) and would have sneezed more if he hadn’t blown his brains out with a potato gun.

Q: What movie do mountains hate?
The Neverending Story. Mainly because of the rock biter, but als, most mountains think Atreyu was pretty gay.

5 Facts You Should Know!

- Minute Bol at 7’6″ once tried to climb Mount Everest and smoke weed to become the “highest person ever”. Unfortunately, he realized being a freak was good enough.

- ‘Mountain’ comes from the Latin word, ‘mounternevous’ which means, “boob like”.

- More people have died trying to roll the R of the non-spanish Mt. Killimanjaro than have died trying to climb it.

- Volcanos erupt when they hear retard jokes. That’s why the expidition to Mt. Vesuvius lead by Lunando the Mongoloid was such a bad idea.

- At any given time, over 2% of all mountains are filled with baby mountains

How to Ride on the Subway when Drunk

Posted on by patrickhmorris
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There are only a handful of reasons not to have a drink (and most of them are lame excuses). Pregnant? My mom drank when I was in the tummy, and I’m fine(ish). Got to wake up early? How do you plan on falling asleep without fairy dust cocktails (equal parts Gin, Scoth and either Vodka or more Gin)? The only excuse that makes sense to me is the excuse of driving. Drunk driving is no joke. It might be fun, but it’s not fun-ny. That’s why a place like New York City is one of the greatest cities in the world. The options for public transportation make a designated driver as useful as a non-alcoholic beer. However, while it’s a big plus to have a subway, riding it while having a bit of the tipsies in you can be a challenge. Here are a few helpful tips that will make your ride as smooth as…those things…what are they called? You know, the things that you shouldn’t put water on? Mogwai? Is that a real thing? Are they smooth? Anyway…

The stance
Chances are that riding on the subway has to be accomplished in the standing position. Grabbing a seat is great, but unless you’re on a lame train line like the J or 2/3, you’ve got to keep your legs in the upright position. Also, sitting on the train pretty much guarantees you’ll fall asleep and wake up in some part of Queens that doubles as a land-fill. I generally position myself in a stance where my legs are spread a little more than shoulder distance apart and staggered a little. Once you’ve established this position, you can tune your thoughts right to how much you have to pee. You’re going to have to learn to hold it. Subway bathrooms are not an option. I don’t care what the emergency is, pretend they don’t exist. There are only three places I’d like to pee less than a subway bathroom:
1. A porta-potty after a chili eating contest
2. On a giant piss eating bug
3. Abe Lincoln’s grave

Don’t count the number of stops left
It prolongs the trip and I immediately think, “Tourist” when I hear someone say, “Five more stops.” Tourist and Terrorist seem awfully similar to me. I’m sure the pentagon knows.

Take off those sunglasses
You think I can’t see your eyes, but I can. You’re looking at a sign that says, “You’re a complete asshole!” If your parents were hoping to raise a dick who has zero judgment, they are the best parents in the world.

Hungry?
Well there’s only some foods that are subway acceptable. If a food has a smell, keep it the fuck off my train. The only thing ok to eat is nothing.

Cover it up
I have no idea why drinking a beer in a paper bag is ok, but, as far as I’ve seen in movies, it is. I mean, we all know what I’m drinking right? Even a little girl on the train can tell I’ve got something that is “no no” in the bag. Can I put a knife in a bag and it would be ok? Would I ever be drinking a soda out of a bag? I think I should get a ticket for that. I mean, your kinda wasting a cop’s time and actively trying to make them look stupid, right? To me, a paper bag says, “leave me alone” and cops should respect that. Since when has it been illegal to be a mess?

Getting some space
There are two best ways to give yourself space on a train. The first is to pretend you are blind. For some reason, people respect that and clear out. Maybe it’s because they think you’re just going to randomly grab them and fiddle around with their sexy parts because you think you’re trying to open a door. The other best way is to wear a jacket made of live raccoons.

Pan Handlers
What’s the right response when someone asks you for money? I’ll tell you this – they don’t want the straw you’ve been drinking your beer out of. I know that for sure. I find it’s best to ignore these people unless you want to give them a dollar and discover the next morning that you gave some guy who was playing a bag of hair a twenty by mistake. And if you’re really drunk, then you just gave a guy who has a shopping bag and listening to his iPod $20. No one plays a bag of hair, idiot!

Dear Census: A Few More Details About Me

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Dear Census Bureau,

I recently filled out my census form and have since sent it back to you. I did my part, but I didn’t feel as though I was able to add the vital information that I believe is important to capture. For instance, I saw nothing on the form asking about specific pet information.

While I currently do not own any pets, I have, at one time or another over the past decade had close to 30 cats and 15 dogs. I’d rather not go into the details as to what happened to them all, but I can assure you that it wasn’t my fault. We had a very respectful funeral for each. I’m not saying that my deceased pets should be counted or that their existence should affect how public funding is doled out, but I did want to avoid an awkward moment if for some reason you guys started digging up my back yard.

Under the section asking me to determine my race, I was very confused. I don’t really evaluate myself as a specific ethnicity and didn’t see a space for me to write in: “I don’t fucking know.” I thought this question was incredibly rude and boarder line fascist in nature. What advantages does the U.S. government have by knowing that my neighborhood is culturally diverse? Will we get a medal of some sort? If so, please send money to each of us instead since I’d rather be able to move to a nicer apartment than a stupid medal. I don’t remember the realtor who showed me this place boasting the neighborhood’s cultural diversity as much as he pretended having a broken dishwasher was somehow an advantage to me. However, if this is a very deceitful ploy to see if my Lithuanian neighbor continues to claim he’s from Canada, kudos America, kudos.

I did see on an advertisement that one of the purposes of the census was to discover how to allocate resources for hospitals. Let me be the loudest voice you hear when I tell you that I think hospitals are the worst. I don’t care if I was a doctor who saved childrens’ lives every day, I would hate having to work in a hospital. Not only are they creepy motels of death, but it would be absolutely impossible to call in sick. Last week I called my boss and told him I had flangelitous. The next day when I came in, he asked if I was doing ok and a thumbs up later, I was back to work having just got over a made up disease. If I were a doctor, I couldn’t make up diseases or even fake a cold every once in a while. People would be putting thermometers in my mouth, asking me to turn my head and cough and trying to diagnose the problem. Of course, I have to pretend I’m sick because I don’t think the hospital would think it’s ok for me to take a day off from saving childrens’ lives just because Tuesdays are the only time I can steal from the Lithuanian’s garden.

Also, I just wanted to confirm something – just because the census is taken every ten years, doesn’t mean that someone born today wouldn’t exist under the protection of the law until the next census, right? I currently have a bet with my friend about this. He says that these cases are known as ‘invisible children’. That just sounds crazy to me, but he was right about Red Mango being better than Pinkberry so you never know. Just thought I’d check.

I’m a loyal citizen and want to make sure I’m doing my part to better help this country understand who I am and what I need. Let me know if you need more detailed information about myself or if you’d like me to infer any information about my neighbors. You may not need to know that I got my ears pierced at the age of 9 or that I believe my neighbor owns a Chrysler Seabring that just has Jaguar logos on it, but if so, I would be more than happy to forward that info along.

Sincerely,

Albert Fantamum

A Response to “Dear Sis: Real Brotherly Love”

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Dear Harry,

I received your letter a week or two ago and have been in shock ever since. At no point in my lifetime did I think I would receive something from my brother so inappropriate. It was beyond disturbing. My first thought on reading it was, ‘this explains more than I’d like to admit.’

To think of you being so perverted to the point of thinking this was OK made me sick to my stomach. I write this letter now with a waste paper basket next to me, as I might get ill thinking of the moment you decided to write me a letter, declaring your love for me.

In your letter, you asked me what was wrong with you loving your sister. My answer: everything. Really? You didn’t know this? There are only a few relationships in our lives we are blessed to have that aren’t ruined by sexual feelings and the love of family should be cherished, not made sexual.

Are you so desperate that you sent out a letter like the one you sent me to a child hood friend? A co-worker or the elderly woman who makes your coffee at the bakery? Well, apparently you are as I received all of those letters and the 60 or so other ones you sent to my address by mistake. First time using a mail merge, Harry?

The one thing I am thankful for is that none of these women received the letters you meant them to get, but I couldn’t be more distraught knowing you intended they be read. By sending these letters I can see you’re desperate on an historical level and completely out of touch with reality. Your letter to our deceased grandmother was particularly disturbing.

Get help. Now! I’m giving you two weeks to check yourself into a mental hospital or I’ll be forced to show mom the letter you wrote to a box of boston cream donuts. Hopefully you will be able to receive help and realize there are other ways to feel loved in this world. At this point, I’d be more comfortable with you having a severe drug problem that kept you lying on the bathroom floor, swimming in your own filth than to think of you as a member of society sending out letters telling your own sister how you felt when you saw her wearing a bathrobe.

Harry, I care for you deeply and I desperately want you to get help. Immediately. I’m here for you if you need me, but not if you want me.

Take care. Get help.

Your sister,

Pamela

Dear Sis: Real Brotherly Love

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Dear Sis,

It’s been a while. I feel like I only see you around the holidays and somehow, as we’ve gotten older, even that has been a challenge. Just because I haven’t seen you since last Christmas doesn’t mean I haven’t been thinking of you. I think of you constantly. My thoughts towards you have been consistent for a long time now. I’ve written and re-written this letter, trying to find the best way to say this, but haven’t found a way that surpasses being direct.

I want you.

I’ve known it since we were little kids, but haven’t been able to fully grasp its meaning until recently. There’s always been a tender connection between us and while I’ve attributed this to sibling affection, it’s been a more intense and stirring feeling for me in recent years. The exact moment I truly understood what my feelings meant, I can’t pinpoint. I do know that this past Christmas was difficult for me – now I think you understand why I refused to add your socks and underwear in with mine when I was doing a load.

I know this confession comes as a shock to you, but I hope not entirely. You’ve administered too many playful moments and affectionate hair tosselings for my feelings to be completely unreciprocated. Most books that I’ve read affirm my feelings that these are flirtatious actions.

So where do we go from here? Are we doomed to be forbidden lovers? I say no. From my perspective there are three main reasons why you would not want to be with me: 1) Genetics, 2) Family tension, 3) Society’s glare.

Genetics shouldn’t be a concern for us. As I remember, you never liked playing with dolls when you were growing up and I’ve heard you say in recent years that the thought of giving birth made you never want to have kids. I’d much rather adopt an under-appreciated soul from a backwards nation than bring another mouth into this world. Adoption will fill our hearts with the happiness of knowing we made a difference and will relinquish us from any guilt if our kid comes out with one crossed eye.

While our family’s opinion might seem like a big deal, I actually believe it will be a strength for us. Most couples are pulled apart for holidays and constantly struggling with pointless power games trying to ensure the other person’s family doesn’t take precedence in the relationship. You and I will not have this problem. The only problem will be figuring out whose room to stay in when we go home for Christmas! Just joking, your room is fine.

Unfortunately, the final obstacle, society, is the most difficult. I’d be lying if this hasn’t been a rather significant roadblock for me as well. However, every time I think of people’s reactions, I am uplifted by the memories of others who have shirked society’s shackles and done what they knew was right. Where would we be today if Christopher Columbus had listened to society’s oppressive claim that the world was flat? Protugual, that’s where! I’d rather venture out to the oceans and potentially fall off the side of the world than spend another day bowing to the pressures to find a love society approves of – which, as I understand it, means anyone who came from a different uterus.

We’re perfect for each other and you know it. We both understand each other and where we came from. We have always gotten along and been able to talk to each other about anything. I’ve felt close to you for all my life and that’s something I will never be able to say about anyone else, ever.

Our strength could lead to a global movement where people fight for love instead of oil, greed and whatever the hell they’re doing in Afghanistan these days. Our fight. Our victory. The world’s benefit.

I’m sorry to be presenting this to you through a letter instead of in person. I’d much rather be able to convey my seriousness and my passion through my eyes instead of my words, but didn’t want to have this be looming over Thanksgiving. Even though I would try to keep my feelings from getting in the way of a nice family meal, I can just picture me saying something stupid like, “Mom wants you to help with the Turkey and I want you to stop making me horny.” Sorry, that was crass, but honest. It’s comments like those that I was hoping to avoid by writing you a letter.

Promise me you’ll think it over with an open mind. Your first thoughts will certainly be to cower to conformity, to hide because of fear, but the more you resist those feelings, the more you will realize how right this all feels. Remember when I was helping you ride your bike and that first moment I let go of the seat? You felt scared, shaky and as if you were going to fall at any second, right? Well, you didn’t and the freedom you felt by riding on your own was worth the risk of falling.

I’m willing to fall with you because I’ve already fallen for you.

Give me a call when you can. Mom usually goes to bed around 9:30/10:00 these days so if you want to call without having to talk to her, call sometime after that. I’ll bring the cordless up stairs with me so I can get it before it wakes her.

Love (in both ways),

Harry