Back before time was kept, the gods ruled. The collection of gods lived high in the mountains, completely separated from the people. They lived without care of strife and the dismal lives befallen on mortals. The people lived in filth, squalor and mud, while the gods lived in luxury, sophistication and pristine beauty. They lived with gold castles, diamond roads and lakes of wine. This is the way it had always been.
One person who didn’t accept this was a man named Edgar Valentini. He was a simple man who had spent his entire life living unexceptionally. He’d never accomplished anything and began to grow bitter by the god’s luxuries.
One day, as he poured himself a bowl of brown sluddgy gruel, Edgar decided enough was enough. What was the god’s was rightfully for all. He decided that he would devote his life to this task. He packed a small bag with random objects, not knowing what he might find useful, and headed for the mountains where the god’s dwelled.
When he arrived, he was taken aback by the beauty and bountiful luxury that surrounded him. He was forced to shield his eyes from the light shinning off of the rubies as tall as several houses.
As Edgar walked in the mountains, he came across the great lake of wine called Lake Vino (the gods were immortal, but creative they were not).
Protecting the great lake was a large dam created by Patratacus – the ancient god of damming. His giant dam kept the lake of wine locked from releasing out into the valley and he protected it night and day. It was here that Edgar decided on his plan. Edgar approached Patratacus and sat at a rock facing out into the giant lake.
“Would you look at that,” he said to himself.
Patratacus had never seen a human before and didn’t know what to think about this small, dirty man. “I stare deep into this lake every day,” he said. “It has lost it’s glamour to me.”
“I bet you drink this stuff by the barrel full every day,” said Edgar.
“Me?” asked Patratacus. “Why I would never. It is forbidden.”
“You’re telling me that you’re out here every day, all alone and you’ve never once taken a small sip?”
“No.”
Edgar shook his head. “You don’t know what you’re missing. This stuff is delicious.”
Patratacus looked out into the lake. “Delicious? I was told it tasted of rancid bile.”
“No, no, no, they’re putting you on,” said Edgar. “Here, use my hat. Take a little sip for yourself. There’s plenty. No one will ever notice.”
Patratacus looked puzzled. He wondered why he’d been lied to and if this small, smelly man was in fact telling the truth. He decided the only way to find out for sure was to try some. He took Edgar’s hat, dipped it into the lake and took a sip. Instantly, he felt his taste buds tingle. He felt a warm sensation pull its way down his throat and deep into his stomach. It was wonderful. He quickly dipped the hat back in to get a bigger sip.
“See. That’s the ticket!” said Edgar.
With each sip, Patratacus felt better and better. He felt warm, alive and effusive towards all living things. Whatever this was, he thought, it was a part of him forever.
He was so enamored with it, that he failed to see Edgar sneak off to the base of his great dam. With the coiled spike that he’d arbitrarily packed into his satchel, Edgar penetrated the dam and unleashed a powerful stream that flowed down the mountain. Patratacus rushed to save the damn, but found walking difficult and decided to lay down and call his ex-girlfriends.
The mortals down in the valley heard a great rumble and looked out their muddy coups to see a great river of wine flow down the mountain. The people were elated and drank straight from the river with great joy.
Edgar raced down the mountain to share in his people’s elation.
The world was happy that day and for the rest of time people celebrated what they thought was a gift from the gods. For hundreds of years people celebrated VinoDay on February 14th, without a second thought towards the man who made it possible. In the late middle-ages, archaeologists found stone tablets that were determined to be Edgar Valentini’s personal diary. It was here that people discovered the true force behind the river of wine from the gods and VinoDay quickly turned into Valentine’s Day – the celebration of one man’s quest to be exceptional and share the glorious gift of wine with his fellow man.
Until, however, the roman leader Hallmarkious seized the holiday and changed its meaning to be about romantic love in order to sell more of his greeting tablets.
